Classic Induction: Michelle McCool Loves Life: Happiness is Apparently a Pair of Shorts Jammed in Your Rectum. Who Knew?

27 Submitted by on Sun, 06 July 2014, 15:00

WWE, 2007

This may be a first. I’m not sure I’ve ever inducted something for the sheer reason of being nothing more than totally and completely pointless.

What I am about to write about wasn’t neccessarily bad.

It wasn’t offensive.

It didn’t hurt business.

It didn’t make me want to shove my fist through the screen.

Those are generally the prerequisites for an induction. This, though…this is new ground.

An induction due to unabashedly POINTLESSNESS.

Our topic today would be a series of skits WWE aired in the summer of 2007 in which Michelle McCool proudly stated that she was, and I quote, “loving life.” She stated this over and over and over and over. In fact, if you saw the skits originally, I guarantee that you can still hear her words echoing in some repressed corner of your mind, as she explained her bliss in the most simplistic manner possible while doing the most simplistic things possible.

I’ve seriously spent an entire week trying to come up with something, ANYTHING, in wrestling history that served absolutely less of a point. The closest I could come up with was that stupid Karate Fighters toy tournament from the mid 90′s, but even then, I can say, “Well, they were trying to sell toys; it was a promotional thing.”

What on earth was WWE trying to sell here?

MICHELLE MCCOOL’S HAPPINESS?

And make absolutely no mistake about it: this bitch sure loved life.

One week, for instance, we got thrilling footage of Michelle running down the beach. And if you like Michelle, this was no doubt a dream for you. She looked dynamite in her little bikini.

But it wasn’t just eye candy. No sir, we got way more than that, namely…COMMENTARY!

Thanks to her fantastic voice over, we learned the following fascinating facts:

1) Michelle loves running on the sand.

2) She likes the warm sun.

3) She likes a cool breeze.

4) She likes sand in her toes.

5) She likes to have her long legs in front of her. (Which would mean, of course, that half the time she’d be pissed because the running motion dictates that the legs wind up BEHIND you.)

4) And yes, most assuredly, SHE LOVED LIFE.

FASCINATING!

 

 

Get this, though – not only did she love running (and life), but she was also quite taken by SWIMMING!

Well, maybe not swimming so much, but rather “POWERING THROUGH THE WATER.

You know what would be fun? A regatta featuring Michelle McCool vs. an Evinrude.

My money’s on Michelle!

You know what else is really neat?

Lounging by the pool!

Sipping a cold drink!

And making sure you don’t get burnt!

If I didn’t know this was Robo-Michelle saying these things, I would seriously thought Johnny 6 had found a new line of work.

All joking aside, it’s now it’s time for my favorite of Michelle’s favorite activities.

Sure she may have been fun to listen to waxing poetically about the sun and wind and swimming and drinking cold drinks and getting sand in her toes and avoiding skin cancer…that stuff was all fun.

But nothing…NOTHING…can prepare you for Michelle’s exploits…

ROLLERBLADING!

Actually, I may have misspoken.

According to Michelle, it’s not so much roller BLADING she loves, but rather…

“JUST ROLLING AROUND!”

Seeing the world on wheels, we are alerted, is always more fun!

And apparently this fun is multiplied by wearing the tighest shorts imagineable jammed straight up your rectum.

Seriously, look at that.

Now I’m no doctor, but I gotta believe it’s not entirely safe to completely suffocate your anal cavity like that.

Oh what fun Michelle looks to be having, especially as she “feels the bumps in the street!”

Or maybe she said “bums in the street.”

If so, I know just the guy she can feel up!

But there’s nothing better than spinning.

SPINNING AND SPINNING AND SPINNING!

Apparently it makes you so dizzy that“who knows where you might end up?”

I hope for her sake she stops spinning sometime, otherwise she may never make it home.

 

No matter where she finally lands, though, Michelle knows one thing for certain:

“I’m Michelle McCool, and I’m loving life!”

Oh, and I’m RD Reynolds, and I’m also loving life.

Pretty much due solely to the fact that I’m done with this induction.


By the way, if you really want to see more, just do a search on YouTube for “Michelle McCool rollerblading.” It’s worth finding it just for the comment from a guy named “m0t0main” who writes, “a shitter skating shit.”

I have no idea what that means, but it seems appropos.

Written by

Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
27 Responses to "Classic Induction: Michelle McCool Loves Life: Happiness is Apparently a Pair of Shorts Jammed in Your Rectum. Who Knew?"
  1. Thomas Moffatt says:

    LayCool are long overdue an induction simply based on the fact they reached a level of annoyingness not witnessed since Nipple H was in her prime…

    • Luchaporn says:

      They were kind of fun annoying though.
      I enjoyed Laycool simply because they were Divas with characters that went beyond “nice chick who is also a total whore and proud of it” or “mean whore” or “angry woman who hates pretty women even though she’s just as pretty”.

      • Superstarl says:

        Agreed. Laycool was the first time I saw divas with personalities in a while. Its a rare thing in today’s day and age. I thought they were fun.

    • Evan Waters says:

      Laycool were generally fun, though. They played off each other very well, both in-ring as well as in segments. (McCool would do offense and Layla would take the bumps.)

    • Nick Nutter says:

      LayCool were so annoying I changed the channel on them to the Pro Bowl. DURING THE ROYAL RUMBLE.

    • DarthPitch says:

      The problem with Laycool was that they were basically just a ripoff of TNA’s Beautiful People. And when you have to resort to ripping off TNA gimmicks, you know you have problems.

  2. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    That photoshop of Blade never fails to make me smile.

  3. Eric says:

    These were shot literally right after the Benoit tragedy and were basically a ‘LOOK! A KITTEN!!” distraction to the fans. Think about it, WWE has it’s legit lowest moment and suddenly irreverent videos of a hot blonde having fun and frolicking appear on TV for no real apparent reason.

    Think about it….

  4. Frank In New York says:

    the episode of the old progrem where they kept playing the soundbites from this was classic. also RD saying she looked hungry, she needed to eat a sandwhich. “I’m Michelle McCool and I’m loving a sandwich!”

    • gobias says:

      Think of the cross promotional opportunities with McDonalds.
      -shot of her holding something from McDonalds-
      “I’m Michelle McCool…”
      -taking a bit and swallowing while the riff plays-
      “And I’m lovin’ it!”

  5. E-Squared says:

    Being that these random vignettes were inducted, what did you guys think of Maryse’s initial role in WWE as Smackdown’s return-from-commercial-break announcer? Now it might not deserve an induction, but was there any point to it than to see a smoking hot woman in bed not wearing a lot telling us that Smackdown is back from commercial?

  6. smdh says:

    “Laycool” is the absolute WORST name for a tag team EVER! I’d rather they’d be called “Cool-Lay-ed” at least that would have been a play on words, albeit a stupid one. A very poor, annoying rip-off of TBP. McCool’s voice is even more grating than Stephanie’s.

    • Thomas Moffatt says:

      Thank you – someone who agrees, they were SO annoying…

    • Guest says:

      I don’t know what’s more awful your criticism or your bad pun.

      • Formerly From Tokyo says:

        They WERE annoying, and that WAS a stupid team name, end of.
        When people could look at them and think they were a good anything, you know just how bad things were/are for Divas. Sad thing is McCool, at least, could wrestle. Why WWE likes to take wrestlers who have ability and stick them with stupid, distracting gimmicks is anyone’s guess. A team of The Kat and Terri Runnels would have been more entertaining, though for different reasons…..

  7. Thomas Moffatt says:

    If you’re looking for an induction for pure pointlessness then try The Godfather’s waste of time appearance at the 2013 Royal Rumble…

    • Chins says:

      Not enough for a full induction, perhaps instead there could just be a blanket entry for all (or at least a lot) of the pointless Royal Rumble entrants over the years.

  8. Adam Cota says:

    Michelle likes to “roll around,” huh? I’m sure Mr. Calaway can attest…

  9. Brad Essex says:

    RD just remember who her husband is and pray he don’t read this.

    • AK says:

      By the time Taker actually gets to RD for this induction, he’ll have passed Wrestlecrap onto RD Jr.

      Yeah, this would have read/sounded a lot better if it came from Bobby Heenan.

    • John Matrix says:

      Why? Do you think Undertaker will beat up RD because he wrote a humorous article about his wife?

      • "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

        Pfft, R.D could take him!

      • AK says:

        Nope!

        It was just a poor attempt to channel my inner Bobby Heenan. If the Brain commented on here, he would have made a post that is pure gold much like all the quips he has done hundreds of times before.

        I can’t picture the Undertaker going after R.D for something that is funny and not malicious in any way.

        However if this was the 90s, then this would have been a great way to start a Taker/RD feud. Would have been a hundred times better than the Taker/DDP stalker angle.

  10. John C says:

    Happiness to me would be transforming into the aformentioned shorts jammed in her anal cavity. Rectum damn near killed ‘em.

  11. BaltoJim says:

    You, too, can love life as much as Michelle McCool. All you have to do is BO-LIEVE!!! (After all, as a gimmick, it’s just as pointless and annoying…)

  12. Chins says:

    At least she’s hot. I’d still choose this over the hour of Nitro that had no wrestling. Though it’s hard to like her so much when I know she’s probably having her aforementioned anal cavity breached by Undertaker’s phenomnis as we speak.

leave a comment