CLASSIC INDUCTION: Illegal Aliens – Chyna vs. Anna Nicole Smith? We are SO There

19 Submitted by on Wed, 14 January 2015, 10:00

Direct to Video Release, 2007

Today, fellow Crappers, we are going to review Illegal Aliens, a science fiction film starring Anna Nicole Smith and Joanie “Chyna” Laurer.

Just typing that, I think my fingers might have orgasmed.

For a guy that runs a site called “WrestleCrap”, you have to admit, that’s a pretty juicy order. Here we have two of the most plasticy, phony women the world has ever known, and they’re in a SCI-FI MOVIE. And according to the always accurate back of the DVD case, it’s like Men in Black meets Charlie’s Angels!

Seriously…what on earth could be more ripe for comedy than that?

You know what, I usually try to do these long, drawn-out intros, but screw that…I’m way too excited tonight. 

Let’s dive right into this pile of steaming pile of shit!

The film’s “plot”, as it were, is that a space agency has sent three of their top agents down to protect the earth. The trio have ditched their default ET forms to become “hot chicks”. Why, you ask? Because according to the narrator, “hot chicks have it easy.” 

And right there, we get out first life lesson of the day, one specifically for all the young girls out there: if you’re a hot chick, life’s all sunshine and lollipops. 

If you’re some fat pudgeball troll, well…no sunshine. 

Presumably, though, you could have all the lollipops you want. You are a pudgeball, after all.

But no sunshine.

Anyway, after an intro featuring drawings of three “hot chicks” that wouldn’t warrant even a reject letter from the Draw Tippy folks, we get a true sci-fi intro.

And by “true sci-fi intro”, I do mean the most rudimentary CGI this side of a “Learning Studio Max 3D” junior high class. 

Seriously, it’s like they just threw whatever stock models they had against a space background. Think I’m kidding?

Look, here’s a pig flying past Jupiter!

(Note from Blade: Alien Ham! ALIEN HAM!)

Eventually the pig and some weird sperm looking thing crash land on earth. Following a discussion of what to turn into, including a debate on whether humans or cats are the dominant species on the planet, we see the emergence of our heroes, Anna Nicole and two more of the skankiest skanks this side of a Diva Search. 

Actually, I take that back – at least the crack ho’s WWE finds are somewhat attractive. 

These three look like rejects at a Boise gold club amateurs night. 

Anyway, it seems the threesome has arrived on earth to stop the most evil of all beings in the galaxy:

Yep, you guessed it.

Damn, why didn’t they show up, oh, I don’t know, maybe 1998 or so?

I kid, I kid. After all, had the time-space continuum been disrupted in such a manner, we’d have been deprived of such stellar acting perfomances as this

And that would have been just wrong.

So anyway, boxes labeled “TOP SECRET” are stolen, helicopters are flown, buses flip over, and crap blows up.

And when I say “crap blows up”, I ain’t talking a car or two.

I mean like half the movie is either fiery explosions…

…or stock footage of buildings imploding, all thanks to the miracle of stock footage. 

Seriously, they use so much stock footage in this film they really should have dedicated it to Ed Wood.

In the brief moments between pyrotechnics, we get fun stuff like Anna Nicole bitching about how she can’t go to the grocery in a bra. 

Somehow, I find it impossible to believe she never actually did that.

OH! And then there’s this subplot in which the girls’ mentor, Syntax, tells them how to conquer evil. 

Screw MIB and Charlie’s Angels – they blatantly stole that bit from Superman II.

Well, if you replace Marlon Brando with some no name scrub and put $5 computer speakers from Big Lots next to the “hologram”. 

Anyhoo, the crux of the plot is this: Chyna is going to build a mega-gravatron dealymabob. 

Now I’m just going to go out on a limb here as to what a “mega-gravatron” actually does: it will blow crap up. 

She likes to do that.

And so she laughs and laughs. 

And then she kills some men. 

Cuz she likes to do that too, you know.

Anna Nicole, would you care to rebuttal

Sorry, kid – that’s too bizarre even for a WrestleCrap Radio Dream Analysis.

Did I mention this film is chockful o’ comedy? 

Well, that’s probably because it isn’t. 

Still, I do have to admit that I did laugh while watching it. Twice, in fact.

Once because the girls’ cell phone carrier is apparently “Whorizon”…

…and once because Anna stuck a dildo in her ear.

Confusing a dildo for a Q-Tip? That’s always good for a belly laugh. Seriously – try it at Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma’s, and let us know how it goes.

Other than that, what happens in this film…

…well, for starters, Anna has the ability to change into other stuff, like cars and helicopters. Here she converts into a 1973 Camaro. Somehow, that seems poetic: what was once hot and sexy is now beat up and rusty.

Still, I have to question the directors for not giving Chyna these abilities. That would have been much better. Heck, it would have even lead to a better title: Tranny-formers.

Thank you, thank you – I’ll be here all week, enjoy the veal.

Then there’s the scene where Chyna cries, making the saddest face this side of (Blue) Balls Mahoney.

OH! And how could I forget the time Anna recited Shakespeare?

Well, kind of! 

And then there’s a bit where a guy buries his face in one of the girls’ crotches. You know, I never thought that could NOT be erotic.

How wrong I was.

And that’s pretty much the entire film. 

Save for, naturally…

EXPLOSIONS!
EXPLOSIONS!

EXPLOSIONS!

EXPLOSIONS!

Of course, you can’t have a movie starring Anna Nicole and Chyna without having them duke it out at the end.

Well, I guess you can, because Illegal Aliens ends with the two basically rolling around on the ground, looking for all the world like an elderly couple trying to fall asleep after eating too much at Bob Evans.

The grand finale sees poor Chyna getting thrown into an electrical closet and electrocuted.

Damn, girl. 

Did you learn NOTHING from No Holds Barred?

Wait, that’s not the end. Hell no!

Instead, we get more…

Indeed, the film ends as only it could – with a three minute montage of the greatest explosions in recorded history. 

And I am so not making that up.

Looks a lot like the old Demolition intro video, come to think of it.


Sadly, the world will be forever deprived of Illegal Aliens 2, as Anna Nicole passed away shortly after filming. 

What a bummer.


Love this classic induction?  Then we urge you to check out the WrestleCrap Archives, which you can access online by clicking here!

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19 Responses to "CLASSIC INDUCTION: Illegal Aliens – Chyna vs. Anna Nicole Smith? We are SO There"
  1. John C says:

    I do love me some bad movies but by God what in the blue hell is this garbage. It makes the Skinemax snoozefests look like The Godfather 1 & 2. And if this is someones idea for spank material, why. Are they into manly muscular beastly looking abominations or are they into drugged out has beens. That slow baby talk voice A.N.S. used couldn’t be more unappealing. Ole Anderson doing a book on cd of the Kama Sutra probably sounds hotter. Must watch Birdemic 2 to get my brain back working properly.

  2. Kareem Ofweet says:

    Any nudity in this one?

    • Rob Hill says:

      I am so concerned that you asked that…

      • Attitudeerawasawful says:

        Why on earth would you be concerned? You must obviously be gay cause that is the most important question anybody could ever ask about this movie! Hopefully some straight poster here can give an honest answer about the nudity in question! I’ve never seen this movie but female nudity (Especially Anna Nicole Smith) is F’ing amazing!

        • X-Paki says:

          Go and watch One Night in Chyna if you want to see Joanie Laurer’s cock-clit.

          • Attitudeerawasawful says:

            Thankfully, I’ve never seen the Chyna sex tape. I just assumed the guy asking about the nudity was doing so cause of Anna Nicole Smith. I thought it was a given that no normal man would ever want to see Chyna naked.

            • Guest says:

              Yes no normal man still hung up on her appearance prior to her makeover or after she starting falling in with drugs and a steady stream of awful sex videos.

  3. ANS says:

    …sounds EXACTLY like Zelda Rubinstein.

  4. Geoff says:

    Considering that Chyna did that tape with X pac and Anna Nicole did that thing with that old geezer she married? I’d be more concerned if there WASN’T nudity in this one.

  5. Preparation Triple H says:

    This looks like something Michael Bay could have done, except there appears to be some sort of plot.

  6. Mister Forth says:

    It’s as if an executive said “We need to waste this cash”.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Completely worthless movie aside from providing fodder for this site.

  8. OneManChainGang says:

    Is Anna Nicole purposely making her voice sound like a 4 year old’s or is that how her voice really sound?

  9. J says:

    I think that’s how her voice really sounds

  10. Anonymous says:

    Wow considering all the explosions being done on this movie, you’d think this had been made by Michael Bay.

  11. Jimbolian says:

    For a moment, I thought that was Lisa Edelstein (Dr. Cuddy from the TV show House) was in this dreadful film. Thankfully for her career reputation, it’s not her.

  12. Jason says:

    I live in the city where this was filmed (Rutland, Vermont) and I bartend at the restaurant they stand in front of in a shot or two (The Palms). This isn’t said with pride, rather sadness that this is the ‘best’ that the local “film company” can produce :/

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