Text by Blade Braxton
It’s no secret to listeners of Wrestlecrap Radio, that I am a huge fan of the original He-Man and Masters Of The Universe cartoon. I regard the original set of episodes as some of the best cartoons of the 1980’s. The abomination you’re about to see today however, is quite different. Straying far away from most of the series continuity, it appeared to have been written by Satan, directed by Rod Serling, and produced by Rob Black. Yes kiddies, get set for a stocking full of voyeurism, atheism, bestiality, incest, and yes, FLYING VIBRATORS….batteries not included.
Our holiday yarn begins at the Royal Palace of Eternia, where all the heroes are getting the decarations ready for a big winter celebration of a very important figure’s big birthday. It’s nice to know that Jesus is loved on Eternia. Oops, what was I thinking? This cartoon was written by Lucifer. The December birthday they are celebrating is actually the birthday of the twins, Prince Adam and Adora, better known as He-Man and She-Ra. God help us all, the ruler of the free world, King Randor, has never even heard of Christmas.
You know, after being married to his wife for over two decades, Queen Marlena – who was originally from Earth – you’d think maybe, just maybe, one of the biggest holidays she used to celebrate on Earth might’ve come up in conversation at least once. Talk about a dysfunctional marriage. Crap, look at the poor guy. He’s dressed himself up like the Burger King for God’s sake. He’s obviously crying out for attention. Marlena, quit daydreaming about servicing Mekaneck’s mekacock, and talk to your husband every once and a while.
Meanwhile, out in resident inventor Man-At-Arms tool shed, he and Prince Adam are working on a device called the Sky Spy, which according to Man-At-Arms is capable of spying on Skeletor, and quote, “watching his every move.” Good one, Perv-At-Arms. Forgot about just launching a bomb at his home base of Snake Mountain and wiping him out, let’s build a voyeuristic flying ship that’ll spy on ol’ bony in the bathroom to see whether or not he wipes from front to back.
Things quickly go down hill, as Eternia’s slap-sticky magician, Orko, does what every irritating sidekick from Godzooky, down to Dungeons & Dragon’s Uni has done since the dawn of cartoons…he fu#ks something up…..bad. He gets inside the Sky Spy, and causes it to launch into the sky. And he doesn’t stop at just peeping on Clawful making out with sandcrabs at the beach while wearing a g-string, no sir. Orko and the Sky Spy end up blasting all the way across the galaxy, finally crash landing on Earth.
As Orko floats around on this strange, snow-filled new world, he hears two kids screaming, as they are about to be covered by an avalanche of snow. He uses his magic teleport the kids to safety. On second thought, appearing to be cartoon images of two of the most annoying kids ever- Jake Lloyd from Star Wars : Episode I, and Carol Ann from Poltergeist, why didn’t he just let them get buried.
The brats – equally annoying in their own right – in between the whining, pissing, and moaning about getting lost, missing Christmas, and other assorted ramblings they do all show long, do have time to tell the uninformed Orko the story of the Christmas spirit. A story which includes happiness, peace, and most importantly, presents. Our Lord and Savior’s birthday, smirthday…we want a peace pipe loaded with ganja and a Nintendo Wii.
Back on Eternia, our heroes have figured out a way to bring Orko back from the faraway Earth. Seems She-Ra must go on a perilous journey to save the joker. Before she goes, she and Adam engage in the most incestuous embrace since The Empire Strikes Back, and then he expresses some questionable love towards her.
With all the forbidden love out of the way…it’s time to rescue Orko. You know what that means, all you 80’s cartoon fans. Yes, it’s time for… The Way-Too-F’n Convoluted Rescue Plan!!!!
In order to save Orko, Man-At-Arms must use his retractor ray to bring him back to Eternia. Easy right? Well, It’s also gonna require the following:
1) a special crystal to operate the ray. A crystal that She-Ra must…
5) Last, upon obtaining the crystal, run into another gang of robots, named the Monstroids. Perhaps the worst robots ever invented, these guys look like the rip-off Transformers one would purchase at the Dollar Store.
Using the ray to teleport Orko, Jake, and Carol Ann back to Eternia, the rather effeminate Bow decides he should serenade the two whippersnappers from Earth with a hideous holiday song. Note Bow’s “musical instrument,” which for a lack of a better name, we will dub it the “fagsichord.” No wonder why She-Ra wants to bang her brother, this fairy is her only other choice for a mate.
As bad as Jake and Carol Ann screeching is, look at the power of said fagsichord. It’s caused fellow She-Ra sidekick, Kowl, to kiss and make out with Orko. Crap, guess we really needed to see a flying owl make out with a floating, amputee-like Smurf in the form of Orko.
Things were peaceful. Things were happy. Things were gay. This moment was good. All of a sudden, hell appeared in the sky.
Look, it’s a BIRD!!!!!!
It’s a PLANE!!!!!!!
It’s a FLYING ROBOTIC COCK!!!!!!
The evil Hordak is flying the giant Dildonator, and he shoots it’s red wad ray and kidnaps the kids, kicking off the remainder of the show which would challenge how effective Eternia’s Amber Alert system is, as the next few minutes would see the kids first getting abducted by Hordak’s Helicockter, quickly rescued by the WORST characters ever seen on television, a brutal combination of the Ewoks and the Go-Bots, the hideous Manshines.
They weren’t free for too long, as the Monstroids showed back up, abducting the tots. Not wanting to be showed-up by knock-off Transformers, Jake and Carol Ann were quickly kidnapped for the third time in the span of five minutes (not even receiving a single piece of candy in the process of said abductions, either), this time by the most evil man on Eternia, the Lord Of Vengeance himself, Skeletor. How evil is Skeletor? He starts yelling at Carol Ann to get up as she collapses from hypothermia in the snow.
Then something rather Twilight Zone-ey happens. The kids tell the story of Christmas for the third time, this time to Skeletor, who had never heard of it. Once again, the kids talk all about presents to an uninformed Eternian. Can Jesus get some love, here?!? I know all these clowns on Eternia worship a sorceress who turns into a squawking orange bird, but come on. What inspirational text or historical facts are written about the Sorceress in the Eternian bible? Let me guess… “And on the 8th day, she shit on Skeletor’s head.”
I’m beginning to think these kids have some kind of Charles Manson / Jim Jones mind control going on here. Upon hearing the story and drinking Jake and Carol Ann’s Christmas Kool-Aid, Skeletor does the unthinkable – he does a face turn. He gives the kids coats to keep warm, carries their Manshine mutt of a robotic dog around, and ultimately saves the kids from child abduction number four of the evening, by blasting Horde Prime’s ship out of the sky. He meets up with He-Man and She-Ra, gives them the kids (who after all these abductions, are going to need some serious therapy and medication) and like every other demented kid of the 80’s who grew up worshipping the diabolical bonehead….what the hell is going on?
With Man-At-Arms transporter ray working, the heroes wish Jake and Carol Ann a merry Atheist Day…oops, I mean Christmas, and they are sent back home to Earth. Our story ends with a very questionable He-Santa and She-Ra, practically flirting and flashing each other the bedroom eyes.
I’m surprised that he didn’t kiss her under the cameltoe…uh, I mean mistletoe. Say He-Man, is that a yule log in your pants, or are you just REALLY happy to see your sister?
Ho Ho Ho!!!!!!!