Classic Induction: Goonies R Good Enough – But Are They Good Enough to Stand Up to Piper, Blassie, and Sheik?

10 Submitted by on Fri, 19 July 2013, 10:06

Music Video, 1985
Text by RD Reynolds

Not sure if I’ve ever mentioned it or not, but I am a child of the 1980′s. And if I haven’t…well, to be fair, you’d probably have to be an knuckle dragging mouth breather to have not noticed it. Listen to one episode of WrestleCrap Radio (come on, we really want to break a dozen listeners!), and it becomes patently obvious that my childhood chums were an Atari 800 and a Rubik’s Cube. Heck, even my infatuation with wrestling started out in a very 1980′s way, via the promotion for the inaugural WrestleMania on MTV.

Ah, MTV. Now that there was my first true love, watching hours upon hours of Duran Duran, Madness, and Men Without Hats. Just one look at that lineup and you will correctly infer that I have always, in fact, been a total dork and loser.

Still, even my nerdiness knew its limits. Madonna? Never got into that scene, nor did I ever once think that Spandau Ballet was “hip” in any way, shape, or form. And never once did I wake up before…uh…go going with Wham.

And then there was the oddball case of Cyndi Lauper. Now here was someone you’d think would have an automatic bye into my own personal geekazoid jukebox. Never happened. When you consider that she was hanging out with my new heroes like Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper, well…I guess that says a lot about what my ear canal thought of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

As much as I hate hate HATED that stupid song, she would later perform one far worse. One that was from a movie that I loved - The Goonies. Even more impostant than the Spielberg tie-in, though, was the fact that the video featured more wrestlers than your average episode of WWF Superstars.

Thus the reason it’s featured here today on wrestlecrap.com and not on wowdoesthissongandorvideosuckballs.com.

Although, the intro scene, featuring the image of Captain Lou Albano staring at one-eyed Uncle Remus version of himself in a giant wall mural just might be case enough for him to appear on both sites.

The story goes thusly: Cyndi and her pop (Captain Lou) have a gas station that is about to get shut down thanks to “those no good cheating creditors.”

The irony of the situation is that Great Great Grandpappy One-Eyed Peg Leg Lou Albano has treasures a plenty, but like any good one-eyed peg leg, he’s hidden them.

Hey, if my grandkids were Captain Lou and Cyndi Lauper, I’d probably smelt down every last dubloon and chuck ‘em into the sea.

Hey look! Customers!

And who better to greet them than WWF women’s champion Wendi Richter, who is outside the gas station selling produce.

Heck, that might have been her real job at this point for all I know, as she was strong armed behind the scenes and canned right around the time this video was shot.

Back to the video, as the “customers” hop out of their limo, revealing themselves to be the nogoodnik squad of “Rowdy” Roddy Piper (dressed like he’s going to a wedding), “Classy” Freddy Blassie (dressed like he’s going to The Sands), and the Iron Sheik (dressed like he just got down humbling a camel in the old country way).

Sheik tells the Albano clan that their gas station is now his “popurty“,  and Piper punctutes that statement by telling them to hit the bricks.

Just when you think life could not possibly get any better, the Fabulous Moolah drives by in a pick up truck. And in the bed of that truck is, naturally…

NIKOLAI VOLKOFF MILKING A GIANT PLASTIC COW.

Please, don’t ask me to explain that one. Instead, let us just move along to the whole crux of the video, which is that Cyndi has found a hidden cave (which we know is such thanks to an arrow and the word “HIDDEN CAVE”) and decides to head into the darkness.

What a nice kid – her dad is headed for debtor’s prison, and she decides its time to do some spur of the moment SPELUNKING.

But hey, her trip down the earth hole isn’t all for naught, as she runs headfirst into…

Chunk!

Mouth!

Short Round!

The GOONIES!

The crew greets their new friend with a TREASURE MAP to Peg Leg’s hidden bounty.

We then proceed to get about 60 seconds of clips from the movie, none of which feature Cyndi Lauper or Nikolai Volkoff squeezing a pseudo bovine teet.

Boo!

Soon enough, though, we’re back to matters at hand – namely, Piper, Sheik, and Volkoff dressed up as pirates and hunting down our heroes.

I’d ask why the bad guys are suddenly pirates, but…

…then I’d probably also need to explain why, in the middle of the cave, there’s a Benihana and for that I have no explanation.

Don’t be disappointed, friends. I admit I’m usually a fairly clever guy when it comes to just making up crap out of the blue, but not today.

Do you know why I’m not today?

Do you REALLY want to know?

Then take a listen to this.

I know what you’re thinking, kids. “Oh, RD, that little snippet’s not that bad. I’m sure the rest of the song is ok.”

But it’s not. You see, that little clip is basically the whole damn song. Just take that 30 second clip, and loop it for four minutes straight.

That same refrain over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVERAND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Good luck getting that pile of crap out of your head. I’ve been trying – and failing – for the past twenty-two years.

So Cyndi gets trapped on a rope bridge as the song mercifully fades out. As for Cyndi, no idea what happens to here. Maybe she drowns, who knows. She deserves far worse for that song.

All I know is that I will now bow down and be thankful that my torture is over.

Cue one last close up of Cyndi screaming for help, begging anyone to help. Steven Spielberg, are you listening?

Awwww dammit! He is!

His advice for Cyndi?

Quote: I don’t know.

Ok, I totally forgive you for War of the Worlds.

And best of all, like I said, this stupid video is over. Man, the things I put up with for you guys.

Wait a minute…what the heck is THIS?

No. No.

NO NO NO!

I totally forgot – this was a TWO PART VIDEO. They showed the first part of it, then teased for you to watch the conclusion later.

And it contained the exact same annoying ass song throughout them both!

So Cyndi and the Goonies get captured and put on the pirate ship, where she is attacked by an octopus.

Hey Calamari! Can you wrap your tentacles around me ears until this damn thing is REALLY over?

Cyndi and the kids escape, find Pappy’s treasure, and…

…take it right to the Blassie and Sheik to pay them off.

The two will have none of it, however. deciding they’d rather have a dilapidated gas station than gazillions of dollars.

Note to self: never have Sheik & Fred Blassie handle my personal finances.

Just as things look most bleak, across the parking lot appears a GIANT PINK CLOUD, which produces…

ANDRE THE GIANT!

The Eighth Wonder of the World promptly pummels Sheik, Volkoff, Piper, and Blassie.

No word if the plastic cow escaped Andre’s meaty mitts.

So everyone sang and danced and lived happily ever after.

You can too…unless you dare click this link!

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Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
10 Responses to "Classic Induction: Goonies R Good Enough – But Are They Good Enough to Stand Up to Piper, Blassie, and Sheik?"
  1. originalflavorgobias says:

    wowdoesthissongandorvideosuckballs.com

    License to print money!

  2. Bill "Wild Legend" Davis says:

    As I recall, WWF Magazine did a story on the “making of” this lovely piece of work. The two funniest things about it were 1) the magazine said that Volkoff, Sheik et al. weren’t originally in the video, but “showed up out of nowhere” and “tried to take over”. So the directors let them stay. (I guess they had nothing better to do than crash a Cyndi Lauper video?) 2. While trying to describe everything all kayfabe, they included a photo of the Iron Sheik arriving on the set wearing a T-shirt that read “Adidas.”

  3. patricko says:

    Man, I just watched this movie for the first time in 30 years, with my daughter the other night.
    Why should the video be any better than the actual movie?

    Oh, and Lauper’s in the movie.
    They’ve got MTV going in the house where all the kids are, at the beginnin of the movie, and make sure to include a couple seconds of Lauper in a video on MTV.

  4. Eric Hinkle says:

    Hmm, from what little I could recall of this masterpiece, I though it was supposed to be some weird dream Cyndi was having. And yeesh, I just realized that like RD, I am actually old enough to remember when MTV showed music videos.

  5. The Scanian Maniac says:

    I remember when they aired this music video on Saturday Night’s Main Event, and how I cringed when Roddy Piper and the other heels were running after Cyndi Lauper with pirate’s sabres, in a painfully ridicilus show off way.

  6. DasbeCannon says:

    I recently saw this music video either on VHI Classic or an On Demand service. While Goonies is far from my favorite film, the score for the film was pretty decent. Also upon seeing the inductions of Donald Trump, Mike Tyson, and for some reason Drew Carey, to me the celebrity wing of the WWE hall of fame will be incomplete until the induction of Cyndi Lauper. In a sense while the wrestlers were the heart, soul, and fire of the Rock N Wrestling Era, it was Lauper’s involvement that ignited the spark for that fire.

  7. Trekkie313 says:

    I have never seen The Goonies either. Love Cyndi Lauper as a person, don’t really dig the music.

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