Classic Induction: ECW Strip Poker – Featuring Ashley, The Shy Trannie

12 Submitted by on Wed, 17 September 2014, 12:00

WWECW, 2006
Text by Triple Kelly

I know what you’re thinking as you read that subject line up there, and I admit I somewhat agree: I feel very unqualified writing up this week’s induction.

It would be more fair if it were written by RD, Blade, Sean Carless, Derek Burgan, Dr. Keith or Harry Simon. Because they, being heterosexual males (depending on who you ask, just kidding guys :)), can honestly better weigh in on any segments involving the Divas and have their opinions taken seriously by other male wrestling fans because, well…they have a penis.

Actually, I should state that they all have penises. I doubt they all share one.

I hate to be crass like that, but seriously, I’m a heterosexual female…well, unless you ask my mother, who’s still not convinced despite the fact that I follow a business where sweaty men in little trunks can‘t stop touching each other. My long-winded point here is that obviously any write-up I do on the Divas will likely be taken as “biased”, “bitchy” and “catty”.

And to be fair, there is some truth to that.

Have you ever seen and/or heard someone of your species, race or religion say or do something real stupid that makes you ashamed to be in the same species/race/religion as them? Well that’s how I feel about WWE Divas on a weekly basis. This may or may not be the fault of the Divas themselves but I blame whoever is in charge with putting these women up front to the point their matches and segments are the designated “get up and go to the bathroom”. A majority of the male fans I talk to tell me the WWE has the unique talent for taking amazingly beautiful women and transforming them into amazingly boring women.

Kevin Dunn, I’m looking in your direction.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to women in the WWE completely. Just bring in women that actually are fans of the business, KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING, weren’t plucked from underwear model catalogs or episodes of Hotel Erotica during a Johnny Ace spankathon and can tell the difference between Gary Hart and Bret Hart without being coached (that one goes for the writers as well).

Which brings me to another often-requested induction, a 2006 Gooker nominee, a desperate attempt for ratings on Tuesday night…Divas Strip Poker on WWECW on The Sci-Fi Channel (I can think of at least two things wrong there).

You know, I understand that there are you male folk out there that would be up (no pun intended) for seeing the Divas prance around in their underwear. And if that’s the case, you were no doubt thrilled upon the very first kisser you got to see:

BALLS MAHONEY!

Ah, how I miss Balls.

Wait, that came out totally wrong.

What I meant was I miss Mr. Mahoney’s smiling mug on my TV screen each week. Remember that whole thing with him and Kelly Kelly and the teddy bear and him giggling about things they did?

Good times.

Anyhoo, Balls is all decked out for the event, complete with tux, bow tie, and a very dapper card dealer’s visor. I don’t believe I’ve seen one of those in wrestling since the heyday of The Gambler.

““I promise you, one or more of these women will get naked!” Balls reads off the teleprompter.

Waitaminute…what’s that TV-14 logo doing there? Since when can you have NUDITY on a TV-14 show?

Something tells me this going to get about as Extreme as the television edit of Showgirls.

And probably have worse acting.

Each Diva introduces herself…and tells us what she’s wearing. Not like “I’m wearing a bra”, but rather giving us the designer of their clothes.Did they think the geeks watching Sci-Fi on a Tuesday night waiting for Raptor Island 2 or Tremors XVI: Mission to Moscow would be taking notes for future reference?Trinity is first. She appears to be and sounds 2 treatments away from finally becoming a woman.Good for you, dude!Or girl!Or whatever!

Kelly Squared is up next, and explains that she is an exhibitionist.

Yes, for you newcomers, that was her original gimmick. She would tell us she was an exhibitionist, dance around a bit, and then be unable to figure out how to remove her bra.

She notes that she may or may not be wearing underwear. “You’ll have to wait an see!”

Actually we won’t because it’s TV-14 so if you’re not wearing any underwear, we’ll be treated to the sight of Clarence Williams III’s head between your legs as a censor block…at least that’s how it should’ve been.

And here’s Maria, the human Bratz doll, who is a scatterbrain this week (a regular Gracie Allen, you are), which might change next week depending on who’s writing the show and keeping score.

And Candice Michelle, who wows us all with her “acting skills” that she learned doing soft-core grinds on a guy’s crotch, all the while pretending to enjoy it.

I have but one question: why has she never been on Inside the Actor’s Studio?

Where’s James Lipton when you need him?

And now RD and Blade’s favorite Diva Search tranny, Ashley Massaro. “I’m wearing a tank top with blood smeared on it that says F’ Love”.

Sadly, she is thus far the most intellectual of the group.

And finally we have Kristal, who apparently has no problem partaking in a TV show where she’s supposed to behave slutty and strip.

I should note that one year later, she would leave the company for refusing to take part in a “degrading storyline.”

Fight the Evil Male Power Structure, Sister Kristal!

Balls informs us of the rules of the game, which has now been bumped down to “everyone gets one card and the Hole with the lowest card has to strip”.

Ok, he didn’t say that exactly but close enough.

So yes, this is a strip poker game in which no poker is played.

We’ve been SWERVED!!

Still, I can see the logic here.The Divas didn’t have time to read up on and learn tough concepts like “5 card draw”, wild cards, a “flush” not being what you do to the toilet after eating each meal to keep your job, and that the chips are not, in fact, edible.

Before the game, we get a toast.

“To the death of the original ECW and wrestling as we know it!”

Bottoms up!

The cards are dealt and I notice the ones that draw the high cards are proclaiming victory.

What? I thought they wanted to lose? Just three minutes ago they were talking up their bras and were all like “look at me, I’ve got breasts!”

You paid Dr. 90210 $5,000 for that rack and now you DON’T want people to see it?

I’m so confused.

Ashley is the first “loser”. Despite telling us that she’s the “shy type”, she happily takes off her “F’ Love” shirt and playfully twirls it around.

Oh come on, Ashley, lose those inhibitions!

You can if you try!

During the show, we get a Brian DePalma split screen (how I’m wishing Carrie White would wreak her telekinetic vengeance on everyone involved) between a wrestling match going on in the ring (hey! who would’ve guessed this was a wrestling show?) and the Divas stripping in the back.

Joey Styles and Tazz gotta act like this all quite naughty and salacious. “Hoo Hoo!”, says Joey, channeling his inner Howard Stern.

Later on, Kristal removes her skirt and shakes her ass like she’s in a BET music video until she gets spanked by the demure, reserved Ashley Massaro, which causes Kristal to tell Ashley to back off because she signed up to strip, not to be molested by another woman.

Yeah, I don’t see the logical lead-up between the two actions either, quite frankly.

I’m just very pleased this did not happen when Cowboy Bob Orton Jr. played cards with Captain Lou Albano at the Heroes of Wrestling PPV.

VERY PLEASED.

Candice loses her corset while Tazz endears himself to us more by asking,“Cawwset? Cawwsetti? What is dat?

At this point I’d love to stuff one down his throat to keep him from killing his own career even further. Joey joins in to debate what that article of clothing is called.

I tell ya, these two have the on-screen chemistry of Ron Tronguard and Greg Gagne.

Balls bends over to pick up Kristal’s high heels but tells us he can’t go to the blackboard to answer the math problem if you know what I mean and I think you do. But then again, Balls also got a woody while watching Kathy Bates get in the jacuzzi with Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt so it’s no big deal.

Glen or Glenda says ever so convincingly, “since we’re getting naked, I can’t help but think about men”, especially that John Cena. Oh so HAWT.

Candice one ups her in the convincing department by remembering all her lines verbatim, “of course he is, he’s a movie star now”.

Technically isn’t a movie “star” someone who has made more than one successful movie?

Al Pacino is a movie star.

Harrison Ford is a movie star.

John Cena is a “sports entertainer” who was cast in a movie financed by the wrestling company he works for.

He isn’t a “movie star”, bubbles.

Maria proudly proclaims, “I love ponies!”

Hey, I thought I recognized her from that video where the girl gets underneath one and puts her mouth on his–well, it was something Blade was telling me about it.

We should probably just move on.

Kelly Squared loses the next hand dealt and takes time to demonstrate her Exhibitionist gimmick to a Pussycat Dolls song and take off her bra (they made it easy for her this time, no clasps) with her back to the camera.

TV-14 doesn’t get any better than that, folks!!

Candice, that intellectual colossus with the life preserver in her chest, is just about to take off her bra when she suspects there’s been some cheating going on. Candice can’t seem to think of what to say next because the teleprompter broke, so she accuses Maria of cheating.

Maria, our cheerfully retarded Diva, proclaims she doesn’t even know how to cheat.

OH MY GOD I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING!!!

Oh, the humor in that is staggering and biting (yes, this bites alright).

Candice will have none of this and rips Maria’s bra off to reveal a big fleshy blur. Then Maria retaliates by ripping off Candice’s bra, then each others’ underwear, so now we have two big fleshy blurs.

Well, Balls did live up to his promise.

There was nudity.

Nudity that we did not see.

And if you truly expected to see something you hadn’t seen before on basic cable, you’re a big silly goose.

The girls all scream like when you’re in elementary or middle school and the lights in the classroom go out so immediately everyone screams.

As the girls roll around on the floor, Balls chants, “E-C-W! E-C-W!”

All the while, my chants of “This Show Sucks!” drown him out.

And the show is mercifully over.

 

I suppose if you’re a 14 year old boy or a repressed adult who has no access to strip clubs, girlie magazines, Girls Gone Wild Infomercials or internet porn, you’d find this all very erotic. But really, this was about as EXTREEEEEEME as going into the bra and lingerie aisle of Wal-mart with your mom.

Wrestling is great.

Nudity is fine.

But the two SHOULD NOT MIX.

Especially not with Balls Mahoney on the scene.

 


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12 Responses to "Classic Induction: ECW Strip Poker – Featuring Ashley, The Shy Trannie"
  1. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Has there ever been a WC induction from the original ECW?

  2. the14thlistener says:

    Hey the text next to Trinity’s first picture is white and blends in with the background.

    Picking on the SyFy Channel incarnation of ECW seems feels like shooting fish in a barrel to me. While there were some really good moments on the show, I could never get over the idea that it was just doomed because WWE was running it as “Tuesday Night Heat” with storylines.

  3. Cpt SuckerPunch says:

    whenever i think of triple kelly i always think of another great induction she did, bushwackers on family matters, which featured the gem of a line courtesy of the bushwackers, “we hate CAAWPS!”…so when i read the glen/glenda line “since we’re getting naked, I can’t help but think about men”, especially that John Cena. Oh so HAWT.”, i read that in my head with a bushwacker voice…

  4. Time Lord Soundwave says:

    It’s probably been addressed before, but whatever happened to Triple Kelly?

    • "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

      Essentially she got burned out and decided to move on to other things. We all miss her contributions a ton. 🙂

  5. Mister Forth says:

    They really tried way too hard to eclipse the legacy of ECW with stuff like this.

  6. Anonymous says:

    There’ve been worse things aired on wrestling shows, but nothing that would have made me more embarrassed to be seen watching than this.

  7. Buzz Line says:

    You know, I thought I watched WWECW strip poker and yet I do not recall any of this. All I remember is someone wearing caution tape. I wasn’t an ECW fan and was even less of a WWECW fan but still wonder how I could have forgotten all that.

    Not until this induction did the size of Trinity’s nose and pitch of her voice dawn on me. Still, she beat up CM Punk, Delirious and Amazing Red. She’s awesome. The question is why pick Trinity over Tracy Brooks if all WWE wanted were strippers? Tracy at least posed for that oh so important Playboy Magazine. Trinity seems more suited for one of those CMLL body building contests (who also have better women’s divisions than WWE)

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