Christy Hemme vs. Big Fat Oily Guy: Don West: “This is Like Bad Porn”

0 Submitted by on Wed, 26 December 2012, 19:49

TNA, 2007
Text by RD Reynolds

It seems odd to me that as TNA, err, excuse me, IMPACT Wrestling nears its tenth year in existence, they’ve never quite figured out who they want to be. They seem to change on a weekly basis from being a company that wants to be the attitude era of the WWF to wishing to be WCW reborn to to focusing only on giving fans great in-ring action with the X-Division. You’d think after being around for so many years there would be some kind of stability in their direction, but it…

You know, I always like to write these long, drawn out intros, but seriously, do I need to do so here?

I mean, just look at this image:

That sums up TNA (screw it, I’m not calling it Impact Wrestling).

If you ever wanted a summary of Dixie’s laughingstock of a promotion, the 320×234 pixels you see above tell you everyting. A fat guy in a tiny thong parading in front of a fan that desperately wants to believe that TNA is actually about wrestling.

And you can just tell that fan so, so badly wants it to be true. He wants it to be a real alternative to WWE, he wants it to be something it’s always had the potential to be, only to see that potential not only squandered time and again, but squandered in a manner that makes you embarassed to be a wrestling fan at all.

I mean, I look at that and wondering what I am doing with my life.

AND I’VE SPENT THE LAST DECADE MAKING MY NAME BY MOCKING STUPID STUFF LIKE THIS!

~sigh~

So yeah, in 2007 TNA came up with yet another one of their wacky slogans. You know those, right? Stuff like “Wrestling Matters”? Remember that? How about “Cross the Line”? And the creme de la crap, my personal favorite, “We Are Wrestling!”

Yep, you sure are.

So what, pray tell, brought such an image to our TV screens? Glad you asked.

Actually, no, I’m pissed off you asked, because that means I have to go back and watch this again.

Anyway, it all started with this lovely lass right here:

Yep, that’s right. Christy Hemme.

Confession time: I think Christy Hemme is quite skantastic.

That’s a compliment.

Really. It is.

She’s hot in a filthy ho-bag kinda way. When I originally started writing this paragraph, I typed “she’s easy on the eyes”, but I couldn’t even finish that sentence because it was so ludicrous.

I can say that about, say, Molly Holly.

Nice, attractive young girl.

Could totally see going to the mall with her, maybe stopping at Starbucks for a Vanilla Bean Frappucino.

“Molly Holly is easy on the eyes” I can type without hesitation.

Christy, though…no. In fact, I can’t ever see her at the mall. She’d probably walk by Victoria’s Secret and scream at them about how they’re a bunch of prudes for dressing like that.

Then I could see her hopping on a motorcycle and doing a wheelie down the hall way.

Good with a sword?

That I can totally believe.

Easy on the eyes?

No.

No way.

One other thing Christy isn’t: a good actress, as was evidenced by the beginning of this whole chain of events that led to that flesh lathered thong above.

Ok, the backstory.

Christy wants to be involved in wrestling, and wants everyone to remember all the great women wrestlers of the past. In particular, she wants Billy Gunn and Road Dogg Jesse James, parading around TNA at the time as the Voodoo Kin Mafia and proclaiming themselves to be the true foundation of DX in a storyline that really deserves its own induction, to think about who the real backbone of that group was.

Shawn Michaels?

Triple H?

Heck, X-Pac?

No silly!

What about Joanie Laurer?

What about Chyna?!!

Billy Gunn reacts exactly like you’d expect Billy Gunn to react to such a question – he calls Christy a slut.

So on the one hand, Christy is standing up for women and Billy is being a chauvenistic prick.

On the other hand, she’s bringing up Chyna – CHYNA!!! – as a role model for the fairer sex.

Who on earth is supposed to be the babyface here?

Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.

So anyway, this leads to Christy screeching and screaming in the most annoying manner possible for several weeks, until Jim Cornette (at the time the TNA President or Commissioner or GM or whatever) decides to allow her to stand up for women the globe over.

And how does he do this?

By putting her in a tuxedo match.

So for those of you keeping score, in TNA the 19th Ammendment = a Tuxedo Match.

No matter where you live, fellow crapper, be very glad Dixie and her crew don’t run your country.

Most of you I’m sure know what a tuxedo match is all about, as the goal is to strip your opponent out of his or her fancy getup. They are always quite awful, and we’ve featured at least one of them on the site in the past.

Still, this one does have Christy Hemme, who while not being easy on the eyes…

…is quite skantastic, remember?

So this could be fun.

Who’s her opponent?

Velvet Skye?

Angelina Love?

Tara?

Madison Rayne?

The pervy mind reels at the possibilites.

Not even TNA could screw this up, could they?

Was it ever in doubt?

And now I have to do a backstory on the Big Fat Oily Guy (who was portrayed by former Jobber of the Week Tiny the TNA Time Keeper).

Joy.

So WWE had a character around this time called Big Dick Johnson (again, an induction that is overdue) who would prance around wearing just a thong.

TNA decided to mock WWE for something so stupid by…well…doing the exact same stupid thing.

Not sure that’s a very effective way to mock something.

So to the match we go, with horrible punches being thrown whilst various pieces of clothing are pulled away.

All the while, Mike Tenay tries to call this action, proclaiming that Christy is “going to the mount.”

Is it to late for me to stop this induction?

Naturally, it’s not long before we have an oily, shirtless, de-pantsed Christy.

Wait, that’s a typo.

We have a depantsed Christy and a shirtless oily guy.

That first sentence must have just been wishful typing.

Sometimes I really hate this company.

And a sunset flip attempt leading to a…

…Christy getting a face fully of oily weiner ain’t gonna help.

Nor does Christy yanking Guy’s pants off.

To be fair, though, Don West claiming this was like watching bad porn made me laugh.

Until it made me ponder the image of Don West actually watching porn, which made me vomit.

And so as Oily Guy retreats past the “We Are Wrestling” fan…

…Christy celebrates.

Until Billy shows up and threatens to show the world his fart chamber.

But it’s a SWERVE!

Instead, he rips off Christy’s shirt.

So Billy ends this by basically attempt to rape her?

That has to make Christy the babyface.

Right?

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Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!

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