Classic Induction: Barack vs. Hillary – Screw Elections, Let’s Settle This in the Ring!

4 Submitted by on Fri, 08 March 2013, 10:15

WWE, 2008 
Text by Triple Kelly with RD Reynolds

Another month, another holiday behind us. The day of bloodsuckers, mindless zombies and flesh-eating ghouls. Halloween? No, silly – I’m talking about ELECTION DAY! And to commemorate this year’s Election Day, we’re going back to take a look at yet another former Gooker Nominee. I know we get a lot of International ‘Crappers that come to the site and post on the forum so I’ll try to explain it simply for those not familiar with the US Presidential race.

Last year, the United States of America reached a milestone in history by having both a black man and a woman as the potential Democratic Party nominees to run for President. While the Republicans had an old white guy, a middle-aged white guy, and well, what do you know, another middle aged white guy, to potentially replace another old white guy.

Don’t worry, I’m not gonna get political here because this is a wrestling website and I will treat it as such. (Note from RD: Good girl. Politics and wrestling do not mix!)

Anyways, with 2008′s US Presidential race being such a significant moment in the history of civilization, and because there was yet another Democratic Primary being decided the next day (seriously, these primaries felt longer than The Hundred Years War), WWE decided to capitalize on this fact by having a WRESTLING MATCH, yes let’s just call it that for now, between “Barack Obama” and “Hillary Clinton” to take place on Monday Night RAW.

Sound intriguing? Sound fascinating?

No?

Sound horrible?

You’re on the right track now!

And what would a battle between two presidential hopefuls be without pagentry?

Yes, pagentry!

Pagentry in the form of a $2.78 red, white and blue crepe paper decoration from Wal-Mart, but pagentry nonetheless!

Lillian Garcia is here to introduce the combatants in this soon to be legendary encounter.

Hey, remember all the hubbaballo about how WWE was feeding Lillian incorrect lines to make her look like a buffoon following giving her notice to the company?

Well, here she screws up the word “first.”

I somehow doubt Vince was screaming stupid stuff in her ear six months prior to telling him she was leaving.

“Bill” and “Hillary” make their way to the ring to the classic strains of Hulk Hogan’sReal American theme. That couldn’t be a knock on the Hulkster, could it? Could it?

I should note that Bill is being played by the same impersonator that portrayed the 42nd President during Wrestlemania X and Summerslam ’95. Or was it ’96? I have no idea cause I wasn’t watching the WWF television then. And I don’t think I’m alone in that.

(Note from RD: I sometimes think I was literally the only biped on the planet watching wrestling back then.

Ironically, I sometimes feel the same now.)

As Bill enters the ring he fumbles in the ropes while Lawler laughs. In fact, Lawler laughs at EVERYTHING going on.

You know what stinks? Lawler used to be really cool. I mean, whether he was being the man in Memphis, tearing it up with Bret Hart in the WWF, or even his early days as a WWF announcer, he was the kind of guy who you just wanted to hang out with. You wanted to cheer that guy.

Now? Now he’s the commentary equivalent of the radio “hole” that just laughs at everything that’s said, even when it’s not funny and maybe not even meant to be.

From being the King of Memphis to Robin Quivers.

Lovely.

And because Hulk’s theme is playing, the pair have to do Hulk ear cups at all four sides of the ring for about 5 minutes while there is DEAD silence. Not a good sign. Speaking of not good signs…

Come on, get me creative than that.

I like the fact that this person made this sign, obstensibly thinking that there may be undecided voters who would be somehow skewed on who to cast their vote for by watching Monday Night Raw.

(Note from RD: “Don’t blame *me*. I voted for Kodos!”)

Hillary, wearing Ace Steel’s Donald Trump wig, cuts a scripted promo that Stephanie McMahon would be proud of. While Bill steals the spotlight by hamming it up some more with earcups and Hulkster poses.

Alright, alright…I’ll admit that part was kind of funny.

Not pee your pants funny, but “I could see this making people who thoughtErnest Goes to Camp was kinda funny” funny.

But then Hillary takes Bill in the corner of the ring and bitches him out for what seems like 5 minutes while everyone boos heartily cause they can’t hear anything and they want this crap to move along.

Not a chance, my wishful thinking Public Enemy friend.

Boy would I love to see Hillary and Barack re-enacting New Jack and Vic Grimes at ECW’s Living Dangerously 2000.

Next we get “Barack Obama” coming out to The Rock’s theme (YA GET IT? HUH? HUH?). Don’t ya love how they try getting this stuff over by using past successful wrestlers’ characters and their entrance themes? He shakes hands with the fans at ringside like the good political flesh presser that he is and…

Oh good Lord…seriously, anything I write here about that image to the left is not going anywhere but something highly offensive.

Nor will I make a President LBJ reference to his treatment of his beagles.

But y just know Vince is in the back watching this and doing his babyface announcer Vince from 1989 laugh.

Since we got Barack/The Rock (*groan*), we get more of The Rock’s characteristics being imitated…badly, like announcing “BARACK HAS RETURNED TO….” and I swear, the crowd could not care less.

Now I’m not sure if it’s because the median age of the crowd is about 10 years old or didn’t watch the WWE when The Rock was a main player or cause this is all pointless and boring. I’m thinking a mix of all three.

We also get a People’s Eyebrow…caught from a bad camera angle…

…and Barack interrupting Bill with, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!”

Actually, I think every debate, Presidential or otherwise, would have that line in it.

Just once, mind you – like a trump card you could play one time to shut your foe up.

And of course, “IF YA SMEEEEEEEEEEELLL….” I’m telling you, the crowd is dead.

You know, I was never a big fan of “The Rock” but boy this makes me miss him mightily to see someone else do all his crappy catch-phrases only performed poorly with zero charisma.

(Note from RD: Whoa whoa whoa…never a big fan of the Rock? Seriously? What is wrong with you?!!)

Oh great, now we get to have “the match”. The referee wants to check Hillary for foreign objects, like her two-sided baseball cap with the Yankees logo on one side and Chicago Cubs logo on the other. Bill tells the ref that no man’s touched Hillary in “so many years it’s not funny”.

I think he stole that line from Angry Jim Ross!

Hillary starts off by tripping up Barack and pummeling him and giving him an Andre bodyslam like she’s mud wrestling Monica Lewinsky.

She also gives Barack a Hulkster legdrop which I will admit, she does better than the real Hulk these days.

And like Yokozuna, Barack kicks out of that deadly Legdrop of DOOOOM (copyright Scott Keith).

But Barack gains the upper hand and gives her a, yep you guessed it, The Barack Bottom. Too bad it wasn’t into a pile of dog s*** like the “good old days”.

Barack then sets her up for The People’s Elbow but Bill has watched plenty of Bobby Heenan and Jim Cornette tapes to know to grab Barack’s foot when he hits the ropes so he’ll trip and fall right on his ears, I mean face. And being a good heel, Bill completely denies any involvement.

Come to think of it, Bill’s been the best heel manager in WWE in quite awhile. Get him to be a mouthpiece for the guys that can’t talk and maybe I’d start watching the shows again!

The ref then veeeerrryyy sloooowwwlllyyyy starts counting them both out to a chorus of boos.

Where’s 911 when you need him?

Eh, not quite as good, but we’ll take him.

Especially since the sound guy had his music cued up and all.

After giving Barack a Samoan Spike, Bill tries to talk to Umaga but Umaga will have none of it.

Bill, again exhibiting uncanny heel manager skills, heads for the hills, leaving Hillary all alone with Umaga.

Somewhere, Bobby Heenan is smiling.

And yeah, you know the rest.
Of course Barack became President, appointed Hillary to be his Secretary of State and Bill Clinton is still a fun-loving Ex-President. Me?*I* voted for Turd Sandwich! Mostly because P. Diddy showed up at my door and told me to Vote or Die…literally.

And if my commentary this week hasn’t been up to snuff, it’s because I’m still celebrating the NY Yankees winning their 27th World Series.

THE EVIL EMPIRE REIGNS SUPREME ONCE AGAIN!!

BOW DOWN BEFORE THEM!! :)

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4 Responses to "Classic Induction: Barack vs. Hillary – Screw Elections, Let’s Settle This in the Ring!"
  1. Peter says:

    I remember the Bill Clinton impersonator from the 1995 Survivor Series, with Sunny on his lap. Lucky bastard.

    And I also remember this segment being completely dead too. Didn’t they do one with a Rosie O’Donnell impersonator vs. someone else? I’m sure in the future we will get some other crappy impersonators duking it out. Can’t they bring back Celebrity Deathmatch so we don’t have to put up with this?

  2. MrMaddog says:

    They also had the Clinton impersonator on Raw during the Monica Lewinski scandal. Lawler was doing a telephone interview with him and “Bill” and asked him about Monica. The response: “I did not have any improper relationships with Monica Lewenski…we just had good sex!”

    Damn I miss the Attitude Era…

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