INDUCTION: A Christmas Story 2: Subtitled: “Ralphie’s Quest to Get Him Some”

39 Submitted by on Sun, 21 December 2014, 15:00

Direct to Cash Grab Release, 2012
Text by RD Reynolds

Like many of you, my holiday season isn’t complete without at least one viewing of A Christmas Story. I mean, with the goofy 24 hour showings, how can you NOT watch it? It’s almost like TBS is seeing if you can watch it in various chunks, kinda like a puzzle, then you put it together in your brain. And honestly, I’ve often wondered if I had nowhere to go, if I had nothing to do that day, I’ve wondered if I could just sit and watch it over and over again. In many ways, it is not only the ultimate Christmas movie, it is one off the best movies ever. Period. The characters are wonderful, the plot is great, and the comedy contained therein is just fantastic.So when I heard that there was going to be a sequel this year, I immediately thought, “Hmm, that sure sounds like a bad idea.” And when I saw the trailer, I learned it wasn’t just a bad idea, it was the worst idea in the history of man.

But it was only the worst idea in the history of man for about 2 days. Because after that, word got out to you, my Fellow Crappers, who decided that I, RD Reynolds, should review it this year for Christmas.

YOU told me I had to do induct A Christmas Story 2.

This meant I had to watch it, study it, do screen grabs, and then write a pretty in-depth analysis of it.

I’ve never said this before, and I likely will never say it again…and it’s absolutely not in the spirit of the season…but I need to say it.

I absolutely hate each and every one of you.

So the movie opens the same as the original – with a shot of the house.

And it kinda looks like the same house.

If that house was cut in half and built in 2009.

Seriously, the siding on it looks nicer than the siding at the Reynolds ranch (which was built like 11 years ago).

So yeah, it looked kinda something like the original.

And that’s a theme throughout the movie – stuff is sorta the same.

Only now it’s been stripped of all its humanity and character.

Probably a lot like the bloodsuckers who decided this movie needed to be made.

This is Ralphie.

No really, it is.

He is now 15 years old.

Note I said 15 years old, not oldER.

I understand your confusion: when I first saw him I was like, “So this is the story of a 23 year old Ralphie? That’s weird.”

Next we meet Randy, who appears to be 3 years older.

The mother, on the other hand, appears to be somehow YOUNGER than she was before.

I’d seriously rant and rave about these bizarre time space continuum issues, but that would take away time to discuss the worst part of this film…

THE OLD MAN.

Who they have completely butchered beyond belief.

It’s like they went up to the actor (Daniel Stern) and asked him if he had ever seen the original.

He said no.

They told him, “Well, he says ‘It’s a clinker!’ in it. Can you do the same?”

Then he said sure, and they did one take.

The end result?

This.

Which sounds nothing at all like the original.

Again, ongoing theme here.

So he’s no longer a grumbling growler, he now has the voice of Fred Flintstone, and spends the film bellowing out a most disconcerting combination of profanity and cliches.

I remember another film character who spoke in profanity-laced cliches: the guy Dennis Hopper played in Waterworld.

So now when I think of THIS horrible movie, I will think of THAT horrible movie.

And when I think of THAT horrible movie, I will think of THIS horrible movie.

It’s like an infinity mirror of suckitude.

Oh man, then we have Ralphie’s friends. That’s right, Flick and schwartz are back, but unlike the other folks in this film, they resemble the originals in no way at all.

Schwartz is now a pretty non-descript Jew (don’t blame me, that’s what the movie tells us!) and Flick looks like he’d be more at home hanging out with Archie and Jughead.

Or perhaps a member of Biff Tannen’s gang in 1950’s Hill Valley.

Either way, they don’t look like they belong here at all.

And then we get NEW characters, the lead of which would be Drucilla Gootrad.

DRUCILLA .

GOOTRAD.

That’s allotta name.

Allotta stupid, STUPID name.

It may be the single dumbest name I’ve ever heard, and I wrote about a guy named Bastion Booger.

Anyway, she’s Ralphie’s love interest.

And yes, you did read that correctly:

I did in fact say ” LOVE INTEREST.”

Because as you will soon discover, this movie is all about Ralphie trying to GET HIM SOME.

You have zero idea how much I wish I was making that up.

I mean ZERO idea.

So he appears in various dream sequences in which he and Drucilla (DRUCILLA!) wind up macking.

Remember the fun dream sequences in the original? Like when he went blind from soap poisoning?

Here we get him fighting, and I am not making this up, NAZIS.

NAZIS!

All of whom are somehow more likable than this guy.

So the ‘plot’ revolves around Ralphie wanting a car for Christmas.

Yes, he went from wanting a BB gun to wanting a CAR!!!

Maybe it’s just me, but I have NEVER heard of anyone outside of a Toyota commercial actually getting a car for Christmas.

Just asking for one seems wrong, the kind of horrific greed only surpassed by Susie telling Santa he needed to bring her a house in Miracle on 34th Street.

Long story short, he winds up finding his dream car at the local dealer, and he proceeds to wreck it.

He also loses his pants in the process.

Again, I wish I was joking.

I will say this, and it’s a word of warning: if depantsed teenage boys is your thing, this is the movie for you.

I do want to make it very clear, for the record, it is not my thing.

And I am willing to bet it’s not yours either.

At least I HOPE it’s not yours.

A blow mold reindeer winds up impaling the convertible top, and pants-less Ralphie is given an ultimatum: pay $85 to cover the repair or go to jail.

Of course, $85 is a lot of money back now, so he convinces his friends to help him make the money by getting jobs at Higbees, the department store that was featured so heavily in the first film.

The lush, spacious store now appears to have been jammed into a single hall, one that is continually remodeled to look like different rooms.

Not sure I mentioned it, but it appears they filmed this as absolutely cheaply as they possibly could.

Reusing the same sets for different locations, seeing the same actors playing different characters…yeah, it’s bad.

The boys start in the gift wrapping department, where Schwartz wraps up a baby…

…and Flick gets his tongue stuck in a tube.

I somehow doubt the first movie would have become the beloved classic it is if his tongue looked like THAT when it got stuck to the flag pole.

The boys are then moved to various other jobs in the store, ranging from dropping stacks of shoes, spraying perfume in their own faces, and taking bras off mannequins.

And then humping said mannequins.

Hey, don’t blame me.

All I did was loop that image.

I had nothing to do with writing or filming this.

I didn’t put together a storyboard with “RALPHIE HUMPS MANNEQUIN” on it.

That was someone else.

Someone evil.

Possibly Satan himself.

And then there’s the foul mouthed Santa, who in a show of good, old fashioned family fun talks about how his wife is a whore.

Maybe the writers thought this were penning the sequel to Bad Santa.

That’s pretty much the only explanation I can come up with for half this film.

So Ralphie and the boys wind up as elves…

…who wind up having a giant candy cane fight.

Stealing bits from SANTA WITH MUSCLES?

That there is the sign of a bad, BAD movie, kids.

Then the show takes a VERY weird turn, as we now see Ralphie getting fired, homeless families, and Mom preparing for empty nest syndrome.

Pretty depressing.

Oh, and The Old Man goes ice fishing because he doesn’t want to pay for a turkey.

Because he’s cheap, you see.

So somehow Ralphie gets re-hired at Higbees, and he has to dress up like a dog.

Or a donkey.

Or something.

Wait, that’s a reindeer?!

If you say so, movie!

He then gets punched in the gut, in the only scene in this movie I would ever want to see again.

In fact, it may be the only thing that gets me through the rest of this induction.

Ah, much better.

Anyhoo, Ralphie doesn’t quite generate enough money, as he winds up $1 short.

Fortunately, Schwartz has a dollar, but it’s his LUCKY dollar that he got for Hanukkah. And he won’t give it up, because, you know, he’s JEWISH.

So Flick and Ralph do the only thing they can to get that dollar: they rape Schwartz.

And when I say “they rape Schwatz”, I mean they rip his pants off and put their hands down by his junk.

Again, don’t blame me.

I’m just reporting what I witnessed.

Money in hand, Ralphie goes to pay off the car dealer, but then has a change of heart and takes some homeless folks to The Chop Suey Palace for dinner.

Meanwhile, the Parkers have fish for Christmas dinner, despite the Old Man never having caught a single one the whole movie.

Oh, I get it – Ralphie BOUGHT the fish.

Or Mom bought the fish.

Whatever, I ain’t going back to watch it.

We then get a couple more obligatory throwbacks, as Aunt Clara makes a sailor suit…for RANDY!

And the Old Man gets a new leg lamp, I guess from Ralphie.

Mom looks furious.

And let’s get real – she really did get shafted in this movie.

While everyone else got presents, she got a heapin’ helpin’ of nothing.

Meanwhile, Ralphie got a car.

YES, A CAR.

And just when you think this thing can’t possibly get any dumber…

…Drucilla shows up and starts hitting on Ralphie.

The 15-year old and his new squeeze then drive off together as the film comes to a merciful yet long overdue end.

 

In the end, I hope you are all very happy with yourselves: Christmas has forever been ruined for me by this movie.

Largely due to this image:

I honestly don’t know that I will ever love Christmas like I once did.

I mean, seriously, Ralphie rear ending a mannequin.

Ralphie and Flick raping Schwartz.

The Old Man morphing into Fred Flintstone.

Everything great and wonderful about Christmas completely, utterly, forever ruined.

~sigh~

If there’s anything that can renew my Christmas spirit, I don’t know what it is.

Wait, that did it!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Written by

Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
39 Responses to "INDUCTION: A Christmas Story 2: Subtitled: “Ralphie’s Quest to Get Him Some”"
  1. Scrooge McSuck says:

    I want to watch this so badly, but cannot justify spending more than 3 cents on a rental/purchase. That soundbite of Daniel Stern doing the klinker line is all that needs to be heard.

  2. Murph says:

    My entire childhood is ruined…

  3. Rick says:

    Drucilla looks like Ron Weasly with a wig on in the black and white photo.

  4. wrestlingobscuirty says:

    Why does this film exist? Money? There isn’t enough money in the world to justify this film. I haven’t seen it and I can’t imagine that I will. I know I shouldn’t pre-judge, but come on. I feel sorry for you RD. I really do.

  5. Will says:

    I never watched the first sequel they did with Charles Grodin and still have no interest in seeing this one. What were these guys smoking when they came up with this?

    • James says:

      Now there’s my question: I remember avoiding My Summer Story and Ollie Hopnoodle like the plague, just because they WEREN’T A Christmas Story. Now that I like Jean Shepherd in general, would I actually like these films or were they crap? They can’t be worse than ACS2, as Shep is still alive and still involved.

  6. evilmidget says:

    “That’s a lot of money back now” MST3K reference for the win. I just about died

  7. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    It hurt so bad just re-reading this review and re-living the horrific incompetence and brutal stupidity of this movie.

    THANKS FOR NOTHIN’!

  8. Down With OPC says:

    They’ll probably make A Christmas Story 3 any day now.

  9. Anonymous says:

    This looks SO awful. I do not envy/understand RD for having/choosing to sit through this streaming turd.

  10. Sean Bateman says:

    A peice of Christmascrap that should not been made, like Christmas Vacation 2

  11. Daniel, In So Many Words. says:

    Wait, wasn’t the whole thing about Ralphie paying back the damages on the car was that he would go to jail if he didn’t? So, if he used that money to buy that homeless family a nice dinner (honestly a much better use of the money), then he presumably didn’t pay back the car damages…SO SHOULDN’T HE HAVE BEEN IN JAIL BY THE END?!

    My head hurts.

    • Dylan Hargreaves says:

      A detail left out of this induction is ironically one of the stupidest elements of the film – Ralphie goes to the dealership and tells the guy he gave the money to the homeless family. He has no evidence of even raising the money let alone giving it away. Despite this, the dealer – who had previously been threatening – sporadically decides, with no coercion at all from Ralphie and no other subplots to justify it (having a relatable change of heart due to circumstances within the movie, or hell I’d even accept Ralphie guilt-tripping or blackmailing the guy as at least it would be some sort of explanation), that he will forgive the entire debt due to it being Christmas. It’s such a ridiculously lame way of ending the central conflict cold turkey (no pun intended) that they might as well have not even included it and just had it open-ended as to whether he went to jail or not.

  12. John says:

    As a fan of the original since it first came out on video in the 80’s seeing the trailer for this abomination made me want to vomit on my tv. Just awful putrid garbage trying to replicate the original good thing. It feels like Vince Russo must have had a part in writing the script since it uses his trademark of re-doing something that worked before but just make it really bad instead. Going through my cable listings it shows this turd being on the CMT Channel, is it between all the Hee Haw reruns and Ron White comedy specials. Hopefully all the twits “behind” this get a very merry Deliverance style Christmas this and every year.

  13. Marvelous says:

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110168/

    I remember seeing this years and years ago. It seems like this is a better sequel than the induction at least

  14. James S says:

    I think it’s funny this movie has the arrogance to call itself the Official sequel, especially to a movie that is an all time classic.

  15. Brad says:

    I have a thing against sequels, and this is a perfect example as to why. I loved the original, I own it on DVD and still watch it when it’s on TV. I can’t watch this for the same reason I was never able to watch Slap Shot 2, I’m worried it will ruin the original for me.

    I will stick to remembering how awesome The Old Man was when Darren McGavin played him…”DON’T ANYBODY MOVE….THE FUSE IS OUT!”

  16. Eric Hinkle says:

    “Fortunately, Schwartz has a dollar, but it’s his LUCKY dollar that he got for Hanukkah. And he won’t give it up, because, you know, he’s JEWISH.”

    For the love of mercy, please tell me that they didn’t actually give this reason in the film.

    • Dylan Hargreaves says:

      No, but it was pretty obvious that’s what they were going for since literally his only identity was “a non-descript Jewish boy.” I put it down to laziness more than prejudice but it’s still wretched. Why they feel justified in stealing the dollar anyway is beyond me, Ralphie was the one who wrecked the car. Schwartz has no obligation to help him repay his debt at all and in fact has spent ages selflessly trying to help him by spending his time working along side him at the store. All of a sudden we’re supposed to accept that stealing a gift he holds dear is ok just because it has a financial value? What’s sadder is that, for as horrible as the father is in this, he did actually offer to give Ralphie some money – $2, to be precise. This was before Ralphie had got his job so it seemed stingey at the time, but why wouldn’t he go back to his dad now he’s $1 shy of the required amount and ask if the offer was still available? But no, stealing from a pantsless supposed ‘friend’ is the more Christmassy thing to do. What a pile of turd.

  17. william stevens says:

    rape is the least funny most horrible thing in the universe. it should never be made light of, and you are a monster if you laugh at it.

    is what i usually would say.

    but instead i’m saying the simple, expository explanation “they rape schwartz” might well be the funniest three words ever written in sequence on this web site.

    good show.

    • Dylan Hargreaves says:

      With no disrespect to anyone unfortunate enough to have been raped (I myself was the victim of sexual harassment and minor assault by another guy, it’s awful), it’s feminist drivel to suggest it’s the “most horrible thing in the universe.” Ask someone who’s lost a close member of their family, such as a spouse or offspring, whether they’d rather have been raped instead. You won’t find a single one who wouldn’t say yes.

  18. James says:

    And if you want another in-depth look at this, check out what some guy did here: http://www.rspwfaq.net/2013/11/review-christmas-story-2.html

    Just sayin’

    Can’t wait for that It’s A Wonderful Life 2, I tell ya….

  19. James says:

    This review is timely, not just for the holidays but also due to the threats of a sequel to It’s A Wonderful Life. Got a place on your hard drive reserved for that induction, R.D.?

  20. MX says:

    You have no idea.

    I worked next door to where they were filming the street scenes in Vancouver. I saw them set up for it and film for like a week, every day when I was trapped inside staring mournfully at the backlot across the way. My disdain only grew as they prevented us from getting out of the parking lot due to their trailers and prop 50s cars. It should have been destroyed. It never should have happened at all.

    I wanted to burn it all down. I wanted to so badly.

    I’m sorry.

  21. Felicity says:

    To see the real 15-year-old Ralphie, watch the good/bad virtual reality movie “Arcade” (1993). Q has a cameo!

  22. Stephen says:

    I’m not familiar with A Christmas Story, neither this film nor the first film. To my fellow Brits; was this at all popular in the UK?

    • Dylan Hargreaves says:

      Not particularly, but it wasn’t really a success in the US to begin with either. It’s like It’s A Wonderful Life, it was only a moderate success at the box office and critics were sort of passée to begin with, but it grew a huge following when it came to television and is now considered a classic. I imagine it won’t be long before Christmas Story does start to grow a bigger fanbase in the UK, especially with internet access making it easier to find out about beloved films we previously didn’t know much about.

  23. CP says:

    Every time I see the picture of Flick’s tongue in the tube I can’t help but be reminded of the fact that the kid who played Flick in the original movie grew up to be a porn star.

leave a comment