Thought for sure we had this up here at one point, but according to fellow Crapper Paul THAT AIN’T THE CASE! Perhaps I just remembered that it came in Number One on The Four Greatest Items Wrestlers Have Ever Attempted to Pawn Off on Fans – Via the INFOMERCIAL in the WrestleCrap Book of Lists! (posted in full beneath the video), available rightchere for your Christmas shopping needs!
1. The Genius Meets the Gazelle: While Hogan and Styles may have shilled to the best of their ability, they were both rank amateurs in comparison to Lanny Poffo. Anyone who wants to sell something should watch this man in action, preferably hunting down a copy of the spots he did with Tony Little to sell the world the Gazelle, a walking/running/skiing/slipping on ice and attempting not to fall on your ass exercise contraption. For the infomercial, Lanny told the story of how in a match with Andre the Giant, Andre lifted him up in a suplex that caused his toes to curl up in his boots. While other men would have visited a podiatrist in an attempt to right his wayward foot digits, Lanny instead became introspective. “I’ve been alive for 47 years,” the former Poet Laureate explained to those transfixed to his every word on their couches at home, “and a lot of my tomorrows are yesterdays.” He further explained that he wanted to be the best he could for his remaining days, and to that end, he was searching out exercise equipment. He found it as a friend was flipping channels and there he was – the man, the myth, the legend, Tony Little himself. “I said, ‘Whoa! There’s Tony Little!’” (Before we continue, just imagine for one moment that you are, in fact, at home looking for something to watch and a friend of yours said such a thing. Ok, we’ll continue on now.) “When I saw that machine, the first thing I said was, ‘It’s low impact. It’s gentle on the joints. And it’s very easy on the credit card.” (Ok, sorry…imagine once again that you’re watching TV with a friend and he said, and we quote, “That is very easy on the credit card.” Onward.) According to Tony, though, Lanny’s biggest contribution wasn’t his shilltastic abilities, but rather that he helped a lot of men understand the Gazelle wasn’t just for the ladies. Lanny agreed, then went even further stating, “The Gazelle has an identity crisis. It’s exercise equipment, but it thinks it’s playground equipment.” We are now eagerly anticipating The Kangaroo, which appears to be a refurbished bouncy castle that ships with a VHS of Lanny doing flips as Tony yells at him to “Reach for the stars!”