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Text
by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and
Sean Carless; Photoshoppery
by Sean Carless and
RD Reynolds
Follow Justin on Facebook here
and on Twitter here;
Check out Sean on Facebook here
and his website here
JEAN-PIERRE LAFITTE SHOOTS OTHER EYE OUT WITH RED RYDER BB GUN
By Justin Henry
Hohman, IN – Professional wrestler/freelance pirate Jean-Pierre Lafitte had wanted a Red Ryder BB gun his entire life. Despite many Christmases of asking his parents and writing to Santa, begging for the somewhat dangerous toy, Lafitte was always rebuffed with the phrase, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.”
This year, visiting with relatives in Hohman, Lafitte was finally given a vintage Red Ryder BB gun from his cousin, Ralph Parker.
Within minutes, Lafitte had put his other eye out.
Lafitte, who lost the use of one eye after a childhood accident, thus steering him into his part-time career of high-seas piracy, had lost the 50/50 proposition and dinged his other eye with the first shot he’d fired.
Parker was so distraught, he could barely enjoy the vintage leg-lamp that Lafitte had gotten him.
“Jean-Pierre and I had each wanted a Red Ryder BB Gun with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time,” said a sullen Parker, sipping his Ovaltine. “We stood in line to see Santa that one year when we were both nine, and that line went all the way to Terre Haute. And we were at the back of it! That year, I got my Red Ryder, but he didn’t. He’d never gotten one, and this year, I wanted to change that.”
Emergency personnel treated Lafitte on the scene and transported him to Hohman General. Once at the hospital, there was a minor issue with the accident report.
“I panicked when helping fill out the report,” explained Parker. “I didn’t want anyone to think gunplay was the result of the eye injury, so I tried to say it was ‘soap poisoning’. We corrected the mistake later, and I apologized.”
As for Lafitte, the wrestler is in good spirits and plans to be more careful with the gun in the future.
“This means no shooting at metal signs,” laughed Parker.
VINCE MCMAHON ENROLLS DANIEL BRYAN IN JELLY-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB IN LIEU OF BONUS
By Justin Henry
Aberdeen, WA – Daniel Bryan is not happy at all.
The technical wrestling wizard was expecting a hefty bonus for his productive year in World Wrestling Entertainment, but was dismayed to see what the reward was for all of that hard work.
Earlier this week, Bryan received a letter in the mail from Stamford, Connecticut, thinking it was the Christmas bonus that he was going to use to go gift shopping with. However, the contents of the letter were merely a welcoming notice into a “jelly of the month” club.
Despite being a noted lover of blackberry jam (January’s featured jelly), Bryan found himself enraged at he’d waited all that time for a bonus from Vince McMahon, only to get this “bag over the head, punch in the face” from his boss.
“I was waiting for that money, because I was going to build a pool for my parents,” said Bryan, who seemed rather worse for wear. “It hasn’t been a great holiday season. First, Eddie Kingston brings his whole family to my place in an RV, and I didn’t even know they were coming. The tree was too big for my house, and I spent three days trying to figure out why my 25,000 Christmas lights wouldn’t turn on. It’s been one disaster after the other.”
For his part, Eddie Kingston has offered to kidnap McMahon and put a big bow on him, but Bryan has advised him not to.
“I appreciate what Eddie’s trying to do, but I can’t let him commit a crime. I’m more preoccupied right now with trying to get this squirrel out of my Christmas tree.”
Bryan then left to hum “Mele Kalikimaka” and fantasize about having sex with AJ on the diving board of the pool he doesn’t have.
Archived Headlies:
WWE ADDS “FIVE MINUTE TIME LIMIT” TO RAW MATCHES TO “HEIGHTEN DRAMA”
WWE FORGES SOLIDARITY PACT WITH PENN STATE AND SYRACUSE VICTIMS, FIRES TERRY GARVIN’S CORPSE
WWE FINDS YOUNG FEMALE AUDIENCE’S INFATUATION WITH HAVING STRONG DIVA ROLE MODELS TO BE “ADORABLE” / MIDNIGHT ROSE TO MATT HARDY: "SHE WAS MINE BEFORE SHE WAS YOURS!" / CREEPY F—KING WEIRDO HOPES TO PURCHASE KAMALA’S AMPUTATED FOOT, ADD IT TO COLLECTION WITH KERRY VON ERICH’S FOOT PURCHASED AT BLACK MARKET AUCTION
CHARLIE HAAS EARNS MONEY AS “TECHNICALLY PRECISE, BUT CHARISMATICALLY BANKRUPT” BIRTHDAY PARTY CLOWN / WWE SUSPENDS TWITTER FOR THIRTY DAYS DUE TO WELLNESS POLICY VIOLATION
MICHAEL COLE’S HOUSE WILL HAVE PLENTY OF “TRICK OR TWEETERS” THIS YEAR / SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES IN WWE ’12 ASK USER, “ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULDN’T RATHER BE JOHN CENA?”
HULK HOGAN FINALLY CRUMPLES MOAMMAR GHADDAFI AFTER 26-YEAR SEARCH
TRIPLE H VS. BROOM MATCH RATED "DUD" BY DAVE MELTZER
WWE.COM POLL RATES YOSHI TATSU HIGHER THAN JUSHIN LIGER, GREAT MUTA IN GREATEST JAPANESE STARS RANKINGS / MAN FOLLOWS BATISTA INSIDE HIS PIT OF DANGER
EXECUTIVE BEHIND WWE NETWORK FAILS WELLNESS TEST / SHOCKER: TED DIBIASE’S REAL FATHER REVEALED AS KEN PATERA
KELLY KELLY EXCITED ABOUT MUPPETS COMING TO RAW, REUNITING WITH MOTHER JANICE / “SLATER OR GABRIEL?” BECOMES NEW “GINGER OR MARY ANN?” OF BACKSTAGE DEBATES
WWE BUYS RIGHTS TO FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH FRANCHISE, BEGINS WORK ON ‘JASON VS. CENA’ / COWBOY BOB ORTON RENEGES ON PRIOR REMARK TOWARD SON; NO LONGER REGRETS “NOT PULLING OUT”
DIXIE CARTER’S FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM BOASTS HAS-BEENS AND NEVER WERES APPROVED BY HULK HOGAN AND ERIC BISCHOFF / CM PUNK FANS FINALLY BUY INTO “CYCLICAL BUSINESS” AS REASON FOR LOW RAW RATINGS
MOAMMAR GADHAFI WILL STEP DOWN IF WWE LETS HIM HAVE RICARDO RODRIGUEZ / MAN AWAKENS FROM COMA AFTER 8 YEARS, CAN’T BELIEVE WWE ACTUALLY PUSHED RANDY ORTON
MICHAEL MCGILLICUTTY TEARS SHOULDER WHILE DOING “BEHIND-THE-BACK” TOWEL TRICK / KAMALA MOWS LAWN
EVAN BOURNE TAKES AJ TO SEE “SMURFS 3D”, RESISTS URGE TO HOLD HER HAND/ STAUNCH OLD-SCHOOL FAN TAPES SUMMERSLAM ON SUNDAY, WON’T WATCH IT TIL LAST MONDAY OF THE MONTH
MAN ACCUSED OF STALKING TAMINA ORDERED TO GET NEW PRESCRIPTION GLASSES / “CM PUNK’S CURRENT WWE TITLE REIGN IS THE GREATEST EVER!” ACCORDING TO INCLUSIVE POLL
HILARIOUS HEY DUDE EPISODE CAUSES JOSH MATHEWS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY WHILE RECORDING SMACKDOWN / FAN UPLOADS ENTIRE 1999 EPISODES OF WCW SATURDAY NIGHT, “DOESN’T MIND” CREEPY MESSAGES FROM OTHER FANS
RANDY ORTON ASKS TO BORROW “HEAT MACHINE” FOR USE IN DAILY LIFE / MATHEMATICIAN DEVELOPS “PWTORCH / TNA MATCH RATING SHORTCHANGE THEOREM”
DOCTOR THAT PERFORMED ROB CONWAY’S SEX CHANGE INTO EVE TORRES HONORED / MAN HACKS KURT ANGLE’S TWITTER TO POST REASONABLE, PLEASANT MESSAGES
IRS CASHES IN MONEY IN THE BANK BRIEFCASE FROM 1991, BEATS JOHN CENA FOR WWE TITLE / RUFUS DETWILER, MAN WHO PLAYED ‘ORIGINAL’ SCOTT STEINER, DEAD AT 46
JOHN CENA DECLARES POOP “NO LONGER FUNNY” AFTER COUSIN’S TYPHOID DEATH / MAN THROWS ANGELINA LOVE ACROSS YARD, PROMPTLY RETURNED BY DOG
DOLPH ZIGGLER TO TAKE NICKY’S PLACE DURING FORTHCOMING SPIRIT SQUAD REUNION / NEXT SEASON OF TOUGH ENOUGH TO SEARCH FOR NEXT BARELY USED ANNOUNCER
JEFF HARDY RETIRES FROM WRESTLING TO BECOME SANDWICH ARTIST / LANCE STORM CRITICIZES OWN REALITY SHOW ON HIS WEBSITE’S BLOG ROLL
JEFF JARRETT SAVED CHYNA FROM SPCA ONE HOUR BEFORE EUTHANIZATION / GENERATION ME FINISH CHORES, ARE ALLOWED TO STAY UP TO WATCH IMPACT MAIN EVENT / INDY PROMOTION TO RUN “SUPER BLOODY DEATH TOURNAMENT”, SEEKING REC CENTER TO HOST IT
JOHN CENA TO MENTOR SIN CARA, TEACH HIM HOW TO WRESTLE / RUMOR: VINCE MCMAHON HAVING AFFAIR WITH STAMFORD SUPERCUTS EMPLOYEE / DESTITUTE LEX LUGER SCRAPS STEEL FOREARM PLATE FOR CASH
EDGE HAS "NO PLANS” TO RETIRE FROM ADULTERY / REMINDER: APRIL 18 IS KANE’S “FACE TURN/HEEL TURN” CALENDAR DARTS NIGHT / TRIPLE H RETURNING NEW BLU-RAY PLAYER TO PAY FOR WRESTLEMANIA CHAIR SHOT FINE
VIRGIL HAPPY TO HAVE WRESTLEMANIA STREAK IN TACT / RARE 1989 “DISS TAPE” FOUND IN WWE PRODUCTION STUDIOS / BOBBY WASHWEY WOOKING TO WEALWIZE POTENTHIAL OUTHIDE WING
TNA TRADES JEFF HARDY TO REHAB FOR SCOTT WEILAND / HARDY TRADED BACK TO TNA, WHO WILL NOW HOLD LOCKDOWN IN LEGIT PRISON TO ACCOMMODATE HIS SENTENCE / TRIPLE H CONTEMPLATING BUYING BLU-RAY PLAYER WITH BOX OFFICE GROSS FROM "THE CHAPERONE"
HEIDENREICH EXCITED ABOUT JOINING ANIMAL FOR WWE HALL OF FAME INDUCTION / CODY RHODES TO ATTEMPT TO DUPLICATE HIS FATHER'S SUCCESS BY TALKING NON-STOP RHYMING GIBBERISH / PAUL ROMA "VASTLY UNDERRATED” CLAIMS PAUL ROMA
JOEY STYLES CELEBRATES THREE “REBELLIOUSLY EXTREME” YEARS RUNNING WWE.COM / JACK SWAGGER TAKES OUT OVERSIZED NOVELTY TEETH, PUNISHED FOR REVEALING NORMAL SMILE / COLT CABANA PROVES THAT JUST ABOUT ANYBODY CAN BE NWA CHAMPION
REPO
MAN TO STEAL ALBERTO DEL RIO’S CARS UNTIL PAYMENTS ARE MADE / RODERICK
STRONG “CAN’T WAIT” TO BECOME FORGOTTEN WWE
MIDCARDER
/ TNA
SIGNS AL WILSON JUST TO PROVE WWE ARE FRAUDS
THE HARDCORE FANS DEMANDED IT: KEVIN THORN, BIG DADDY V TO HEADLINE NEXT ECW REUNION SHOW / WWE RUMORED TO BE BUILDING DEATH STAR / VETERANS WORRY THAT IMPRESSIONABLE EVAN BOURNE MIGHT HAVE JOINED A GANG
JACK TUNNEY FAKED DEATH, WILL BE REVEALED AS ANONYMOUS RAW GM / SON OF TNA’S ABYSS “BLADES” DURING SCHOOL PLAY TO KEEP CROWD INTERESTED / AREA HOTTIES TO ATTEND NWA FANFEST, MESS WITH HOPELESS VIRGINS
SENILE KEN PATERA, GRIMACE HAVE ‘UNEASY’ TRUCE AT CONVENTION / RIC FLAIR TO BUY OUT TNA CONTRACT BY SELLING KIDNEY / MARK HENRY, LONG-LOST SON REUNITE
US HERO WITH GOLDEN TRUNKS BECOMES HOMELESS MAN / DIXIE CARTER “SURPRISED” TO FIND TNA DVDS IN FYE BARGAIN BIN / TUPAC-BIGGIE FEUD BEGAN OVER STAR RATING DISAGREEMENT
Headlies Contributors
Justin Henry is a writer by day, and a writer by night, so at least he has some level of continuity. He enjoys writing commentaries and satire, so that he can make fun of people who make more money than he does. His work has been read and/or glossed over at TheWrestlingFan.com, CamelClutchBlog.com, WrestlingNewsSource.com, WorldWrestlingInsanity.com, and now WrestleCrap.com. He also once met Sonjay Dutt at a flea market.
Catherine
Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department,
which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs
out. She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing
something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized
in a song that was made popular four years before her birth. Catherine
enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing,
and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot
J.R.
Sean Carless
is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing
bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com,
Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
