Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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KELLY KELLY EXCITED ABOUT MUPPETS COMING TO RAW, REUNITING WITH MOTHER JANICE
By Justin Henry
Cleveland, OH – Catching up with WWE Divas’ Champion Kelly Kelly after Raw on Monday night, the 24-year-old star was quick to gush excitement over Jim Henson’s world-famous Muppets being booked to perform on the Halloween edition of Raw.
“Ever since I was a little girl, I have LOVED the Muppets,” exclaimed Kelly, as she flicked the W’s from her bag of M&Ms into the trash can. “I love Kermit and Fozzy and Animal, and from an early age, I really appreciated their acting talents. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for Kermit to grow up as a talking frog, and there’s probably not a lot of jobs for talking frogs because people are, like, mean, so I’m glad he found his way into fame. I’ve always wanted his autograph; do you think I can get one?!”
The decision to have the Muppets on Raw has been a source of discontent among long time fans, particularly those who bemoaned having celebrities in “guest host” spots on Raw, for seemingly no other reason other than to put forth a positive image for WWE, in light of Linda McMahon’s 2010 Senatorial campaign.
Kelly Kelly does not see the correlation between the two ideas.
“I think people need to stop hating so much on WWE for its ‘image’. I don’t recall a time when WWE was ever a bad place to be. My bosses handle everything professionally, like when Vince McMahon explained to me that Chris Benoit was merely a creation of the media, designed to cause us harm by pretending he worked here before. I’m happy that Vince explained it to me, because I could have sworn I’d seen Chris backstage, but was just the media’s ‘smoke and mirrors’. What a friend I have in Vince McMahon to ward me off of the evils of the hateful media! And besides, if we were a bad place to be, why would the Muppets come here? If anything, it’s OUR positive image that would help THEM be better people! We are the longest running epileptic show in the history of…..epilepsy or something.”
But the arrival of The Muppets provides an interesting bit of reunion for Kelly Kelly, and will allow viewers to see a family come together.
“For those that weren’t aware, my mother is Janice, the guitar player from Electric Mayhem. I mean, it should be pretty obvious: we’re both blonde, have permanently squinty eyes from trying to comprehend math, have loose morals, and are at our most active when somebody has their hand inside of us. Ha ha, I’m just kidding about the math part!”
Kelly was also asked if Janice would accompany Eve Torres and her to ringside for her match that evening.
“I’d love to have both of them out there! I just worry that my mother might get hurt out there. She’s very laid back and not a fighter in the least. Then again, you can’t say the same about most of us Divas! And unlike Eve, at least my mother has a personality!”
“SLATER OR GABRIEL?” BECOMES NEW “GINGER OR MARY ANN?” OF BACKSTAGE DEBATES
By Justin Henry
Dayton, OH – Former teammates, Nexus lackeys, and Corre lackeys Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel are known for many things. Among other qualities, they’re both known for a lack of personality, inability to stand out due to poor writing, and their penchant for being squash dummies for opponents that are actually used to climb the ladder of prestige in WWE.
You can add to that list a debate that has sprung up backstage in WWE locker rooms.
Both Slater and Gabriel stand out for their rather feminine appearances, especially in a world where raw masculinity and destructive demeanors would be considered pre-requisites.
In a traveling symposium that harkens back to the time-tested “Ginger or Mary Ann?” debates from Gilligan’s Island, the backstage co-horts of Slater and Gabriel are now discussing which of the two they find more attractive.
And it ain’t the Divas having this debate, either.
“Well, I have to say that I’d pick Slater, that vivacious rogue,” said WWE veteran William Regal. “The fiery red hair is a delightful throwback to the alluring wenches of classic British literature; the ones whom the townsfolk judged as promiscuous and would service you faster than one could utter “Jack Robinson.” If I had my pick of the two young men, I’d be inclined to take that lad Heath. I’ve got me an arrow he could fix a quiver to.”
Others, however, don’t share Regal’s viewpoint on Slater’s stereotypical “red headed” fieriness.
“Gabriel’s more low maintenance, and I like that in a man,” said Jack Swagger. “I like to tell stories about my amateur wresting achievements, as well as the work life back in Oklahoma, and he politely smiles, asking to hear more. I’ve known women to look at me with dreamy-eyed wonder, but Justin Gabriel is just something more. He’s also into cleanliness and hygiene, which I like. Once before a photo shoot, he stopped me before I could walk onto the set and picked an entire chicken nugget out from between my teeth. *sigh* Only him.”
Even Jim Ross, the hardened sensei of hyperbole and salesmanship, has gotten in on the debate, even if he can’t decide which of the two comely young men is to his preference.
“In this business, having the skill set of a Heath Slater is what’s required to take that ‘next step’,” said Ross, while tweeting. “He does, however, lack that one attainable intangible that keeps him from making good on his destiny of winning this playfully homoerotic debate. What that quality is will be something that becomes clear as he “makes his bones” in seductive fashion. As for Justin Gabriel, I like what I’m seeing out of this young man, who “brought his own shovel” to this dig. I like his upside, and only Justin Gabriel can stop Justin Gabriel from reaching his potential as a preferred femme amongst men. Time will tell if his “sniffing of the trail” produces a good find, or merely a false scent.”
When asked for his opinion on the matter, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon has stated that he has no idea who either man is.