Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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WWE FINDS YOUNG FEMALE AUDIENCE’S INFATUATION WITH HAVING STRONG DIVA ROLE MODELS TO BE “ADORABLE”
By Justin Henry
Stamford, CT – A spokesman for World Wrestling Entertainment reports that CEO Vince McMahon, among several other higher ups within the company, can’t help but smile at the blissful ignorance of its young female fans who look at the awkward, scantily-clad “Divas” as role models.
Indeed, a large number of females from ages 12 to 25 have inundated Twitter, Facebook, and other social networking sites with constant praise for the likes of Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, Beth Phoenix, Natalya, and other women that are merely there to sell posters and other masturbatory items to desperate male fans.
“At first, McMahon was just filling a quota by having women wrestle on his show,” said the anonymous WWE source. “But then he figured they’re just women without any real coordination or timing, so why not throw them on TV in booty shorts and cleavage-baring tops? He had no idea that a whole generation of girls would see them as inspirational figures, but Vince sure does get a kick out of it.”
Reportedly, McMahon had two office workers compile several pages worth of this pro-Diva feedback from women for his amusement, mirth that he has shared with his subordinates.
“They howled as one fan called Eve Torres, ‘a strong lioness who paves the way for the feminine brood of tomorrow.’ We almost lost Laurinaitis to oxygen depravation, and he could barely utter the sarcastic words, ‘Yeah, that’s totally what I thought when I hired her!’”
According to the source, McMahon is planning to hire outside talents like Sara Del Ray and Madison Eagles, both respected talents, and make them coffee gofers for Laurinaitis on Raw.
“They’ll never wrestle,” explained the source. “But wait till you see the segment where the two women discuss how amazing a talent Kelly Kelly is, and sigh as they wish they could be half the woman she is.”
MIDNIGHT ROSE TO MATT HARDY: “SHE WAS MINE BEFORE SHE WAS YOURS!”
By Blade Braxton & Simon Beach
Cameron, NC – Matt Hardy is no stranger to social networking controversy. On Tuesday, he was at it again, this time posting a naked picture of himself and his girlfriend, fellow pro wrestling personality, Reby Sky, on Twitter.
The response to Hardy’s birthday suit post was business as usual, as many Twitter users took to the internet to voice their negative opinions about his latest attention-seeking exploit. Many people claimed that it was an obvious Photoshop, as the usually chunky Hardy appeared to be quite slim in the photo. Turns out, it may be an even bigger deception than what was originally thought.
“Reby was mine before she was his,” claimed Midnight Rose, 36, an indy pro wrestling manager and cast member of WrestleCrap Radio.
He mentioned he first met Sky when she used to parade around Giants Stadium as the superhero-costumed NY Giants Girl. “In 2010, I was in New Jersey watching my Detroit Lions do battle with the Giants on the road, mang” explained Rose. “I wore a flowered wrestling mask; she was dressed up like Supergirl. We hit it off immediately when we first ran into each other. Even though the Lions lost that day, Reby made me feel like a Super Bowl champion when we later relaxed on that now infamous red couch and she served me some pineapple. That is really me in those naked couch photos everyone has seen!”
Their affair however, was not meant to be. “I’m paranoid, mang,” Rose continued. “If I was with any woman who found Eli Manning attractive, I’d spend my whole life worrying when she would leave me for the next guy she came across who looked like a deformed, anorexic teen wearing a #10 football jersey. I had to move on to other pelicans.”
Rose had these parting words for Hardy.
“I don’t blame him for Photoshopping his head over mine and my manly body. I think every fugly male cock-a-roach who was ever born in North Carolina would probably do the same if they were smart enough to move beyond Microsoft Paint. I just demand that Hardy tells the truth, or I will be forced to reveal more, less innocent photos of Reby to the public, mang.”
Threats that Rose has made to reveal additional risque photos of Sky if Hardy doesn’t come clean and respond to his claims have mostly fallen on deaf ears. A simple Google image search of Ms.Sky will turn up enough naked material to help the average 13 year-old boy ease his way into puberty.
CREEPY F—KING WEIRDO HOPES TO PURCHASE KAMALA’S AMPUTATED FOOT, ADD IT TO COLLECTION WITH KERRY VON ERICH’S FOOT PURCHASED AT BLACK MARKET AUCTION
By Justin Henry
(NOTE: Justin Henry, the author of this piece, is a fan of Kamala’s and did not wish to make light of the unfortunate events that were brought on by Jim Harris’ health. As the author, he saw no issue with the piece as a) Kamala was in positive spirits in a post-surgery video, thus negating much of the sad sentiment surrounding the news and b) the story is less about the amputation and more about the disturbing fictional character therein.
Mr. Henry apologies to any readers who are offended by this piece, but hopes you understand his intentions.
Justin, along with the entire WrestleCrap staff, wishes Kamala a speedy recovery.)
Ripley, MS – A creepy f—king weirdo by the name of Delmon Piggler is known by some local residents as the owner of a former professional wrestler’s foot.
In 1988, Piggler purchased the foot of Kerry Adkisson, known professionally as Kerry Von Erich, who later died in 1993. Adkisson lost the foot in a motorcycle accident in 1986, and while few fans knew of the incident, Piggler was well aware.
“Foot’s out there, some of dem cop got it,” said a disturbingly unimpeccable Piggler. “I wanted foot so I could give to Terry Gordy as trophy, but Gordy does not have phone number listed. So I kept foot, now I show neighbors. Sumuh-dem like it, ladies ain’t real impressed though. Modern Day Warrior foot, it don’t scare up that much tail, I tell you what.”
Piggler is now interested in purchasing the foot of James Harris, known to fans around the world as Kamala the Ugandan Giant. Harris recently lost his foot to diabetic complications, ending what was recently a semi-active ring career.
“I hope some man out there can help a fellow man out, get me Kamala’s number. Black foot and white foot in jars on a shelf, that’s a story. That’s a story right there, you don’t see that often. I can trick people saying I killed intruder that was half black half white. Kids love stories like that, and I love telling em.”
In addition to being a creep, one whom none of us here at WrestleCrap would allow near our children, Piggler has made other bizarre requests.
“I walk up to Matt Borne one day with hacksaw, bout twenty-fi years ago, ask if he needs that foot for anything special. No, was the answer. I like Matt Borne, he has strong legs.”