Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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WWE.COM POLL RATES YOSHI TATSU HIGHER THAN JUSHIN LIGER, GREAT MUTA IN GREATEST JAPANESE STARS RANKINGS
By Justin Henry
Stamford, CT – WWE.com has devoted web space in the past to ranking the top matches, superstars, and moments in wrestling’s storied history. However, for reasons of self-interest and politics, the rankings don’t always jive with common fan sentiment.
This week, WWE unveiled its “Greatest Japanese Stars in Wrestling History” list, and the results were, well, interesting to say the least.
“F—KING BULLSH—!!!!” screamed Dave Meltzer, upon reading the story on his smart phone during a three hour tanning session.
The top ten list, in reverse order, went 10)Super Ninja, 9) Jushin Liger, 8) Great Muta, 7) Yokozuna, 6) Kung Fu Naki, 5, Kwang, 4) Taka Michinoku, 3) The Regular Funaki, 2) Yoshi Tatsu, 1) Mr. Fuji.
As one would imagine, many fans are angry about this.
“What kind of crap are they trying to put over on us?” wrote fan Jonard Dobler, of Mechanicsburg, PA. “Fuji, Kwang, Yoko, and Super Ninja aren’t even FROM Japan! And they put Funaki on there twice! Where’s Hiroshi Tanahashi? Mitsuharu Misawa? Geez, I’d have taken Jado and Gedo on there! It’s like they WANT us to get depressed and snack our way into an early heart attack so that they don’t have to hear from us smarter fans anymore!”
Indeed, WWE.com has been inundated with hateful response to the list, with some calling it “the most poorly-written, ill-informed garbage since James Caldwell began reviewing episodes of Raw and Impact”.
WWE.com, however, stands by the placement of talent on the list.
“I don’t know how anyone can question this list,” said WWE.com staff writer Jason Melatio. “I’ve been watching wrestling for sixteen years, and I’ve never seen the likes of Liger or Muta come to WWE and challenge real superstars like Cena and Orton. If Liger’s so good, can he break the STF? I doubt it. Fuji would use salt, and Tatsu’s good enough to hang with the roster now, so they get high placement. Until Liger and Muta prove they can do better than crappy looking palm strikes in front of a silent crowd, they better get used to their rankings.”
Debate continues feverishly on message boards throughout the web, as Melatio’s statement has only intensified the anger being felt by devoted fans of puroresu.
“What’s next, they’re going to make a list of the top Mexican wrestlers and have Pedro Morales be number one?”
Melatio responded, “He’s a Puerto Rican, you dumbass! The top five are clearly Del Rio, Mysterio, Eddie Guerrero, Vickie Guerrero, and Savio Vega!”
When it was pointed out that Vega is also Puerto Rican, Melatio excused himself for ten minutes, and returned with a well done Photoshop of a Vega publicity shot, now with him wearing a “Hello, I’m: MEXICAN” sticker tag.
“And if I hear anyone complaining about El Santo being #10,” threatened Melatio, “Mariachi Brock Lesnar will take his place!”
In a related story, Juan Rivera (who played both Vega and Kwang) is delighted to have been on both lists, and hopes to make the French wrestlers’ list by claiming to have been Sylvain Grenier.
MAN FOLLOWS BATISTA INSIDE HIS PIT OF DANGER
By Justin Henry
Washington, DC – Since June 2005, former WWE Champion David Batista has walked for miles inside his pit of danger, as it was a place where no one followed him.
Recently-retired mail clerk Herb Jimrob, 64, of Silver Spring, MD, recently began a nightly walking jaunt to stay fit in his golden years. Walking upwards of eight to ten miles a night, Jimrob claims, makes him feel many years younger.
However, a recent dispute between Jimrob and Batista has the potential to turn ugly.
“Mr. Batista informed me, very angrily, that I was not welcome to walk inside his pit of danger,” Jimrob told us in a phone interview. “He kept yelling “I WALK ALONE!” in a raspy scream, then would hold the “O” sound in “alone” out, before punctuating it with this weird grunty noise, like “hoouhh!” He did this several times during the course of our argument, and I was a little offput by that.”
It is believed that no man has dared to walk inside the pit of danger since Batista claimed unofficial ownership of it in 2005, and apparently no one has been able to convince him to share access to the pit.
“He told me he was sick of me talking ‘out my head’,” claims Jimrob. “Then he told me he didn’t understand a damn thing that I’d said. I was confused as to why he was talking in rhymes, like he was some kind of mid-life crisis Mad Hatter or something, but the man didn’t even have a hat! Also, who goes walking at night in a pin-stripe suit and $400 aviator glasses?”
Jimrob explained that he merely tried to make peace with Batista, who was having none of the bartering session. That’s when things took a turn for the worse.
“I refused repeated requests from him to leave, because there were no signs that indicated restricted entry. Then he finally flipped his lid and began shaking this nylon rope up and down like a maniac. Then he struck a rather frightening pose with his thumbs raised and, then, he slowly turned his hands upside down to do a ‘thumbs down’. This whole time, he was mimicking a collective crowd cheer with just his mouth. I’d never seen anything like it.”
As for what happened next?
“Then he fell down, clutching his thigh. He may have blown a muscle out during all of that exertion. Maybe he shouldn’t wear an expensive suit while exercising?”
Batista was taken to Georgetown University Hospital, where he was diagnosed with a torn quadriceps. Jimrob accompanied Batista to the hospital to make sure his fellow man was okay.
“He seemed fine, except for the injury. Oh, and he was telling the doctor that he swallowed down a thousand years of anger, and that the weight of the world had fallen on his shoulders. Poor man needs to see a shrink. I hope he gets help.”
Jimrob also declared that he would continue to walk inside the pit of danger, reasoning that, as long as Batista’s injured, it’s a place where no one will follow him.