Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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WWE ADDS “FIVE MINUTE TIME LIMIT” TO RAW MATCHES TO “HEIGHTEN DRAMA”
By Justin Henry
Stamford, CT – To add a sense of drama and tension to the otherwise compact matches on WWE Monday Night Raw, World Wrestling Entertainment has announced that all matches will institute a “five minute time limit.”
The move was made to ensure that every match, no matter how marginal the performers, has at least one intriguing quality.
“McMahon has finally admitted that he doesn’t expect fans to particularly care about matches between Jack Swagger and Alex Riley,” said one staffer. “So if he can put the two in a match and stretch it out to about three, three and a half minutes, he’s banking on the viewer to think, ‘Hey, this might go to a draw!’ and have Swagger and Riley, or whoever the persona-less stiffs are, exchange quick pin attempts in order to get the crowd going.”
The idea comes in response to complaints from female fans over the Divas getting ninety seconds or less to wrestle.
“McMahon is hoping that the fans will be dumb eno—er, will think that a ninety second win makes sense in the context of, ‘Well, they were trying to win quickly because of the short time limit,” said the staffer.
This also raises the question of whether or not main events on Raw will be held to this time limit, given that more time is needed to develop whatever storyline is being pushed hard for the next PPV.
“Look,” the staffer said, wryly. “We’re probably going to abandon this about three or four weeks from now, just like Vince will probably panic and have John Cena stop acknowledging the booing fans. Vince’s ADD has gotten worse since he drank that coffee laced with YJ Stinger, so stop keeping high expectations, okay?”
The potentially short-lived idea is expected to begin this Monday night.