Broomfield, CO – The current direction of various storylines in TNA have lead many to believe that former writer Vince Russo has secretly returned to the company, though Russo himself is unsure if that is true.
“Bro, you know as much as I do,” said a shrugging Russo. “I stopped reading the dirt sheets a long time ago. I haven’t even been to TNA in months. I mean, I don’t think I have. Or did I? I don’t know. Ever since Colorado legalized pot, everything’s been a haze.”
The rumors of Russo involvement have been rampant for the past few months based on the erratic booking of TNA talent, convoluted stories, quick and unnecessary title changes, heavy emphasis on backstage skits, and a lack of logic. All of these factors resemble Russo’s “Crash TV” style of writing which helped bring WWE to new heights and WCW to the lowest of the lows.
“You know, I read that Eric Young is now TNA champion,” mused Russo, contradicting his earlier statement about not reading wrestling news websites. “It sounds like something I’d do and it’s a great idea. You know why? Because nobody would expect it. It’s a shock that’ll keep people from changing to something else. There’s a million channels out there now, the internet, cell phones, all that crap that takes away ratings. And that’s what wrestling is all about. That and swerves. And shoots.”
When questioned about his name being CC’d on emails from TNA creative, Russo said, “I get lots of emails all the time. People want my advice and I’m happy to give it. I don’t keep good track of my finances, so I couldn’t tell you if they’re paying me or not. Bro, I don’t even know if I dressed myself this morning or if my wife had to help me,” he said, staring down at his New York Knicks jersey, cut-off sweat pants, and green Crocs. “And how did I get all these plane tickets to Nashville and Orlando? Is someone Tyler Durden-ing me?”
Despite being unsure of his current status, Russo proposed several ideas for TNA. “First, we gotta have more Willow. I mean, he needs to be in at least 5 more segments. That high-pitched voice is money. Second, I’ve been watching a lot of Game of Thrones, so we need to turn Abyss into a Hodor character and Rock Star Spud into Peter Dinklage’s character. Maybe he can just wrestle on his knees or something. Third, no more of that flipping X-Divison crap. Fourth, more Sam Shaw and Christy Hemme. Fifth, put the ‘T-N-A’ back into TNA if you know what I mean. I got a friend that runs the best strip joint in Denver. Maybe you heard of it? It’s called ‘Melons’. Great joint. Awesome potato skins. We’ll get some of his girls, put ‘em in bikinis, and have em do a Hot Fudge Sundae match for the Knockouts title. Money.”
Russo immediately emailed Dixie Carter his ideas along with his grocery list, a picture of Grumpy Cat, and a quiz from Buzzfeed to that determines which character you are from “Mean Girls”.