VINCE MCMAHON ENCOURAGING TALENTS TO CHRISTMAS CAROL VIA TOUT
By Justin Henry
Stamford, CT – WWE’s investment in the social media microblogging service Tout has been widely panned by viewers of the company’s television product, due to perceived abuse of its product placement.
Now, the infatuation with Tout has extended to the holiday season.
Following a self-penned parody of Jingle Bells sung by his staff, WWE CEO Vince McMahon is now asking his performing troupe to do any and all Christmas caroling this year through “Touts”, which are 15-second videos that serve, more or less, as “visual tweets.”
The results thus far have been mixed.
“I just can’t figure out a way to get all of Winter Wonderland done within 15 seconds,” said a bemused Kaitlyn. “I asked Vince what I should do, and he said as a Diva, I should have perfected the art of doing my job abnormally and insultingly fast. I don’t know what was more appalling; the chauvinistic attitude of his, or that he called me Marlena.”
“I can’t sing that fast, but I found a workaround,” claimed Daniel Bryan. “I just put on reindeer antlers and said “NO! NO!” for 15 straight seconds. After it went viral to YouTube, a bunch of fans claimed it was a genius display of humor, and that it proves how great I am. You know, I don’t say this too often, but my fans really frighten me. I kinda hope they’ve been sterilized.”
Longtime employee William Regal offers a simple solution to his peers that may be frustrated by this unusual mandate from their eccentrice boss.
“Just do it once, even if it’s a simple “Jingle Bells”, which takes less than 15 seconds. Vince jumps from concept to concept anyway, so it’s not like this trend is going to last. Just make him happy today, and you’ll be employed forever. Look at the Brawler; he reminds Vince on a daily basis that he enjoys IcoPro shakes with his breakfast, and he’s still going strong.”
CHRISTIAN OFFENDED BY HOILDAY SIGN AT TARGET
By Justin Henry
Tampa, FL – WWE superstar Christian is a pretty laid-back, with-the-flow type of fellow. He’s considered by his peers to be one of the more down to earth, understanding individuals on the company’s payroll.
But this holiday season, something caught Christian’s eye, and set his patient nerves a kilter.
“I’m shopping with the wife at my local Target, grabbing some appliances for my folks,” Christian recalls. “Then I see a big sign above a DVD end-cap that reads ‘Happy Hoildays.’ Hoildays? They misspelled an important, easy-to-spell word! And they dare hang that word on a banner for all to see? It’s preposterous!”
Christian, in his youth, won 4 provincial spelling bees, and considers himself a traditionalist in the field of linguistics.
“I don’t have children, but I’d have a hard time explaining the gall, the nerve it takes to hang that sign in a public place to them. I mean, don’t these people think? Families who hold a different standard will see that sign as well, and if they’re better at containing their outrage than I am, well, kudos to them. But it’s just such a divisive, ignorant thing to do.”
Christian has even gone as far as to alert other media and community watchdogs about what he feels is poor taste on display for all to see.
“I really feel like there’s a war against what I believe, and although I’m pretty even-tempered, I feel my view needs to be heard. I guarantee that it’s a view shared by others, and I won’t allow such garbage to be seen, and possibly brainwash America’s youth!”
Christian did admit, however, that he was able to buy a waffle iron at a reasonable price at Target, one that his mother would surely enjoy. But it doesn’t change how he feels about grammar.