TNA TRADES JEFF HARDY TO REHAB FOR SCOTT WEILAND
By Justin Henry
Orlando, FL – In a startling development, Total Non-Stop Action has traded former two-time TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy to an Unchained Futures, a rehabilitation facility in Modesto, CA, in exchange for former Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver front man Scott Weiland.
Hardy will serve the remainder of his three year TNA contract, about two years and ten months remaining, at said facility, while Weiland will finish the final four months of his six month stint with the Panda Energy-owned wrestling promotion.
“It was believed that Mr. Hardy needed to take necessary steps to beat his addictions and better his life,” said TNA President Dixie Carter in a statement. “However, due to the faith placed in Mr. Hardy with both the length, and value, of the contract he was offered, we felt the obligation to acquire a talent of suitable value in exchange for giving Mr. Hardy a much-needed sabbatical.”
Weiland has no previous wrestling experience, and is apparently none too pleased that this deal was made without his consent.
“When we broke the news to Mr. Weiland about this trade, he nearly caused a scene in the arts and crafts room,” said Glen Polserdio, a spokesman for Unchained Futures. “We assured him that it was only for four months, and then he was free to re-sign with us or any other rehab facility, but he talked up a bunch of nonsense about how TNA only needs two weeks to devalue his name. He seemed really shattered.”
Weiland has promised to not only show up in TNA in worse shape than Hardy ever has, but to corrupt the rest of the roster with co-addictions.
As for Hardy, the “Charismatic Enigma” also flew off the handle when told of the trade.
“Jeff screeched, and he threatened to show up to rehab in the same shape he showed up to Victory Road in,” said Jeff’s brother, Matt Hardy. “When Jeff was told about the group therapy sessions, he said he planned to bumble his way through in about 1:28 and then leave. I haven’t seen Jeff this angry since I hid his Play-Doh containers after he finger-painted the dog. Feels just like last week. Actually, come to think of it, it WAS last week.”
However, Jeff Hardy may not have long at Unchained Futures.
“We’ve already gotten a trade offer from a boot camp in Bethesda, MD,” said Polserdio. “They want to trade nine of those teenage brats that used to appear on Sally Jesse Raphael for Hardy. They figure that if Jeff tries to ‘tie one off’ in Maryland, after he sticks the needle in, he’ll get fined for blading. We’ll see how long he can afford those penalties.”
As for Weiland, the voice behind “Sex Type Thing” and “Slither” is expected to debut at the next set of Impact tapings to be special enforcer for one match, turn heel in the same match, and get laid out by the heels he helped the following week.
“After that happens,” said Weiland in a statement, “I’ll be more than glad to team with Jeremy Buck for no discernable reason.”
UPDATE – HARDY TRADED BACK TO TNA, WHO WILL NOW HOLD LOCKDOWN IN LEGIT PRISON TO ACCOMMODATE HIS SENTENCE
By Sean Carless
Moore County, NC – Lethal Lockdown: for TNA enthusiasts it has become an annual event; a match housed within the unforgiving and inescapable confines of a steel cage. For former TNA World Champion Jeff Hardy, if lawyers fail, it may become a permanent home.
TNA officials, fearing their meal-ticket’s impending departure and subsequent incarceration, have already thought of a surefire solution to their woes, however:
writing TV that makes sense and paying the undercard talent what they’re worth MOVING THE ENTIRE PAY-PER-VIEW to the North Carolina Department of Corrections! They feel that, by broadcasting from the Prison itself, they will at least guarantee that not only Jeff Hardy shows up, but due to the stringent testing and pat-downs that will follow, he’ll show up in actual condition to compete disappointingly.
But how does the Charismatic Enigma himself feel about the prospect of wrestling amongst those whom could potentially accost and molest him in the shower-rooms afterwards?
“JBL is coming to TNA?” a bewildered and confused Jeff Hardy then asked somewhat innocently, not quite understanding the grave connotation of our question, applying orange make-up to his face so to match the customary brightly-colored jumper of the D.O.C. “Haven’t they hired enough cast-offs here already?”
As for the other competitors involved –those TNA wrestlers who’d fill out the remainder of the card– despite the inherent dangers of battling amongst murderers and drug addicts (Not this), many are actually very excited to be wrestling in front of such a large house – in addition to inquiring if they themselves can seek permanent refuge there, claiming that being relegated to Explosion is like a life-sentence anyway, and the laundry room and License-plate-press at least pays more.
But what can we expect from the show itself - besides painful sodomy? (A finish Orlando Jordan had apparently suggested for months in TNA, regardless). The answers may not surprise you.
Before his WWE reemergence, Kevin Nash was set to return on this night to his former “Oz” gimmick; only this time tweaked in favor of the popular late 90′s HBO TV show of the same name; a transition Nash himself was said to initially embrace since, for he, it has been 1998 for 13 years and counting.
However, according to Jeremy Borash (before strangely wishing death upon our families) the big man ultimately balked when he learned that his role would then include inciting the Prison’s Muslim brotherhood, murdering an undercover NARC by shoving him down an open chasm, and jabbing an incarcerated Mafioso Don with an AIDS-infected needle.
“Can’t I just get X-Pac and Hall to maybe shit in his salad or something?” Nash was reputed to answer, moments after pinning Samoa Joe for no apparent logical reason, before leaving the company forever, Grecian-5 formula in-hand.
Undeterred by the loss of Nash, and already thinking ahead and moving forward with a Plan B, TNA geared up instead for the event’s proposed multi-man main event elimination match – an elimination match in every sense of the word…
“Vince Russo really wants to book a reverse execution match,” another insider revealed, Terry Taylor, who wishes to remain anonymous for the sake of his job he does terribly. “16 wrestlers startoutside a gas chamber. The last one still on the outside, alive, after the other 15 have entered and expired, gets shot dead by the armed guards anyway.?
“It’s not too popular an idea thus far,” Taylor then only continued, clucking his neck, clutching a dog-eared 1989 glossy WWF promo pic of himself as a single tear rolled down his cheek. “But Vince insisted that everyone wouldexpect us to not murder a quarter of our roster. We?re going with the surprise factor.”
When we ourselves attempted to ask Russo himself about this controversial idea and further booking plans, we soon learned that, after watching a video of his cumulative works to gain familiarity with the product they?d be hosting, North Carolina justice officials have already turned Russo into the Federal government, where he is now residing on death row in Guantanamo Bay for crimes against humanity. His subsequent pleas of a clemency pole match fell on deaf ears from there.
Irregardless of Russo’s expected demise, one that prime witness Jim Cornette is said to be personally FLYING in to watch –thus breaking his own self-imposed ban on air travel– the show is still said to be stubbornly going forward, hook or crook, despite another apparent snafu; one that could threaten the entire outcome of the show; one that apparently involves Jeff Hardy’s brother, Matt – who is said to be integral to the event and its needed climax.
“The closing of the pay-per-view is supposed to see Matt help Jeff escape the entire penitentiary by smuggling in a giant cake with a file inside,” Taylor revealed. “But none of us trust Matt around that much pastry.
“If we can’t figure this out, and soon, Jeff might have to spend the next 20 years breaking rocks, instead of just smoking them.”
More on this story as it develops, then is dropped for no reason, and never spoken of again. TNA Creative would have wanted it that way.
TRIPLE H CONTEMPLATING BUYING BLU-RAY PLAYER WITH BOX OFFICE GROSS FROM “THE CHAPERONE”
By RD Reynolds
Greenwich, CT – Less than 10 days prior to his official in-ring return to the WWE, you’d think Paul “Triple H” Leveque’s mind would be on his upcoming main event with the Undertaker at WrestleMania 27. But thanks to the reported box office success of the theatrical release of his recent movie entitled “The Chaperone”, he has other things to consider. Namely, what to do with all that money.
“The kids and I really want a Blu-Ray player,” said the 13-time World champion. “But Steph doesn’t get why we need it. She said it seems like a lot of money when we already have a perfectly functional DVD player.”
Hunter stated that no matter how he tried to spin it, his wife, WWE Executive Vice President of Creative Stephanie McMahon, remains unconvinced. “I explained to her the benefits of the better picture quality, enhanced sound, and all the additional features. We went over to John Cena’s tour bus and I showed her footage of 300 in both standard def and high def. But she claimed she couldn’t see a difference. I think she’s just being stubborn.”
When asked for comment on the story, Stephanie was quick to respond what she wanted to do with the money.
“I was thinking Hunter, me, and the kids could hit Red Lobster and just break the bank. It’s Lobsterfest, and I am a huge fan of that!”
When asked for details on what the no expense spared dinner would include, Steph’s eyes lit up. “For sure I would start with a Lobsterita, and it’s gotta be raspberry. Mom likes strawberry, but not me! Then I’d then want the best appetizer ever made: the Crab Fondue in a Breadbowl! I could eat that whole thing myself. For the main course, I’ve been wanting to try out the new Parmesean Lobster and Shrimp Bake. That looks really good. And to finish it all up, I’d definitely go with the Chocolate Wave. I don’t stray from the diet very often, but money coming in like this doesn’t happen every day, so I would be willing to do a few extra hours in the gym in the morning to compensate for the extra calories.”
When informed that Red Lobster no longer offered the Crab Fondue in a Breadbowl, Steph looked devastated. After wiping away tears, she then angrily turned to her husband and said, “Fine, you get your damn Blu-Ray player. But not until next weekend when Best Buy is running their Triple Reward Zone points sale!”
IS RANDY ORTON A POLYGAMIST?
After witnessing what appeared to be three entirely different women as the Viper’s wife on WWE television over the last several years, we FINALLY confronted Randy Orton with one simple query: “ARE YOU A POLYGAMIST?”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Polygamist!? I’ve never even took Geometry in school!” he then answered.
Just what is REALLY going on here? And which Orton wears the pants in this family? (Quick answer: NO ONE. EVER. ). More to come on the Orton “Big Love” scandal soon!
WWE TO BUILD PHYSICAL HALL OF FAME IN RIO DE JANEIRO.
After years of holding ceremonies with no physical building, and no physical invitations for people with last names “Sammartino” and umm, “Macho Man Savage”, WWE has finally began construction on the structure that will house the legendary monuments of WWE lore like James Dudley’s chauffer’s hat and Pete Rose’s chicken head. And where better to build this legendary new Hall than a place where some of history’s greatest matches never really took place? Construction begins soon! Maybe! Who’d know, either way?
THE ROCK TO MEET JOHN CENA AT WRESTLEMANIA IN FIRST-EVER “NO HOLDS USED MATCH”
This one is actually happening, sadly…