Headlies: THE HARDCORE FANS DEMANDED IT: KEVIN THORN, BIG DADDY V TO HEADLINE NEXT ECW REUNION SHOW / WWE RUMORED TO BE BUILDING DEATH STAR / VETERANS WORRY THAT IMPRESSIONABLE EVAN BOURNE MIGHT HAVE JOINED A GANG

3 Submitted by on Sun, 31 March 2013, 12:24

Text by Justin Henry and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here

THE HARDCORE FANS DEMANDED IT: KEVIN THORN, BIG DADDY V TO HEADLINE NEXT ECW REUNION SHOW
By Justin Henry

Philadelphia, PA – “I MISS ECW!”

Cries from that vein, or similar, coarse through the internet wrestling community. Since ECW went under in 2010, the hardcore fans have been quick to judge active wrestling brands against their fallen vessel that dominated Tuesday nights.

But fear not: for one night only, ECW will be resurrected in all its glory.

“I have read the concerns and demands of these dedicated fans,” said the former voice of ECW, Mike Adamle, who is promoting this event. “And that’s why on Saturday night, April 9, ECW will return to the ECW Arena and give the loyal fans a show to remember!”

The event, tentatively titled “April to Dismember”, will feature the top stars of ECW’s glorious, trendsetting, and innovative run from 2006 to 2010. Stars like Marcus Cor Von, Tiffany, Mike Knox, Hardcore Holly, Sylvester Terkay, Paul Burchill, Braden Walker, The Zombie, and The Boogeyman are scheduled to appear at the event, in addition to Big Daddy V and Kevin Thorn, who are currently slated to main event the card.

“Consider the history that’s on display here,” continued Adamle. “Thorn made his debut at ECW’s very first show ever in June 2006, ominously hanging around outside the arena. On the other hand, V had his career resurrected in 2007 by being drafted to the brand, and he nearly became ECW Champion months later. I don’t know a single fan that could pass up dropping $15 to see this clash.”

While Thorn and V are contracted to appear at the ECW reunion, others have been holdouts. Among the unsigned are Rene Dupree, Armando Estrada, and former ECW Champion Bobby Lashley.

“The plan for Lashley was to have him reclaim the belt he never lost,” Adamle explained. “We were going to try and borrow Ezekiel Jackson from WWE for a night, as the final ECW Champion, to put the gold on the line against Lashley. I don’t know a single fan that could pass up dropping $15 to see this clash.”

In addition to the impressive roster, Adamle will also be providing an atmosphere that replicates the ECW that we all know and love.

“Of course, there’ll be no chairs to the head and no bleeding. Also, I figure about five minutes per match will do nicely, since we need time to air video packages that hype up the current happenings on Raw and Smackdown.


WWE RUMORED TO BE BUILDING DEATH STAR
By Sean Carless

Stamford, CT… and beyond - The WWE Universe; it is a phrase that we have all become accustomed to hearing in the last several years, but it’s one that– if a source who recently came forward is correct– just may soon become a literal way of life for all sentient beings, if Vince McMahon’s nefarious plans ever come to full fruition.

“WWE is building a Death Star,” claims Brian Gewirtz, who wishes to remain anonymous for his own safety. “It’s a plan that has been in the works for the last ten years.”

This shocking truth recently came out after a Senatorial campaign, ran by McMahon’s wife Linda, ultimately failed.

“He has been building a roid clone army since 2000,” Gewirtz continued. “To keep it secret, he eventually moved the operation– and all the identical clones– from Louisville to Florida.”

However, the diabolical Mr. McMahon wasn’t finished there. The senate seat was only the beginning, apparently. Eventually, the plan was to dissolve the entire Senate altogether, to use these identical musclemen to overthrow detractors with spine-busters (A.K.A. Order: HGH), and then name himself as Supreme Chancellor… and eventual Emperor.

“He really has like, zero idea how politics work,” Gewirtz laughed.

But where does the actual Death Star come into McMahon’s plot? Gewirtz was reluctant to answer.

“We in Creative only learned of its actual existence several weeks ago,” he instead revealed. “At first we heard they had this huge obtuse ball that didn’t work properly. We, of course, assumed they meant Husky Harris, because of the explained proportions. But the truth was, it was much, much worse; and was even capable of being utilized and filled by many men at once; a feat only matched by backstage producer & WWE legend Pat Patterson in the mid-1980′s.”

The first-hand sight of it, however, apparently shocked many of his co-workers, with most even assuming that the gigantic battle station was simply a moon. Gewirtz quickly corrected them.

“That’s no moon,” he had replied, flustered, before being fined then and there by nearby officials for using the term; one that, we were then told, was on a banned list, along with “belt”, “Wrestling”, “Battle Royale”, and “Macho Man Savage”.

“I should have answered, ‘That’s no planetary surround sphere,’” Gewirtz explained. “That would be the current accepted terminology this week.”

It, indeed, was no planetary surround sphere. It was so much more. Although, we’ve since learned that WWE only has intentions of using it to maybe 10% of its full potential, as per company procedure.

The alleged Death Star, when completed, is also said to cost in excess of a trillion dollars: the cost of over nine-hundred and ninety-nine trillion Chaperones starring Triple H; or one fiscal loss of a single XFL football season. It even recently tested its weaponry… but that test went horribly awry.

“Vince was yelling in the headset of the technician powering up its death-ray, and that man accidentally leveled Detroit in the confusion,” Gewirtz admitted before continuing, “Strangely, no one seemed to notice, though, and life went on from there as usual.”

The second test, however, proved ultimately successful, a beam of pure energy projected from space that obliterated its first scheduled target with ease: Orlando, Florida.

“We ourselves luckily only suffered one collateral loss in the attack,” Gewirtz barked with pride. “Mike Graham, who was ‘scouting’ in a Florida strip club at the time, whilst bragging to anyone who’d listen that he himself invented the Death Star… and everything else connected to the industry/astrophysics. We ultimately shrugged and never looked back, though, because for the life of us, we couldn’t really recall what he actually did here for a living, or why anyone ever cared about him. Oh well.”

Even with its destructiveness clearly evident, and with nothing of value truly lost, (although Gewirtz claimed that the destruction of the TNA Impact Zone in Universal Studios was like, “a hundred jaded voices suddenly crying out in terror, trying to get themselves over at the expense of the show, only to then be suddenly silenced) the ¸ber weapon has still apparently hit a minor roadblock, according to the terrible writer.

“Vince still wants it bigger,” Gewirtz predictably informed us. “It was kind of undersized for his liking, despite it having no bearing on its ability, so he brought in a scientist named Zahorian — and it’s since increased 35% in mass in like, 2 weeks.”

What does this actually mean for US, and just what is McMahon’s intention with the vaunted space-bound destroyer upon its accepted completion? Gewirtz was again hesitant to answer, but eventually caved when we feigned laughing at three separate jokes involving poop, homosexuals, and pooping homosexuals.

“Blackmail,” Gewirtz then better explained. “Pure and simple. Embrace John Cena or face total genocidal annihilation.”

We here at Wrestlecrap don’t know which scenario holds grimmer and more terrifying long-term ramifications. Clearly, we’re fucked either way.

*This just in: UFC, under Dana White’s supervision, is said to have already built a Death Star of their very own; one allegedly ten times the WWE’s size, power & potency. It’s already said to be aimed at a small Russian Airport for some strange reason. More on this story as it develops.


VETERANS WORRY THAT IMPRESSIONABLE EVAN BOURNE MIGHT HAVE JOINED A GANG
By Justin Henry

Oakland, CA – Despondent over his second major injury during his young WWE tenure, Raw brand superstar Evan Bourne has withdrawn from friends and family, and is no longer the chipper, baby-faced boyish man that everyone knows.

And now his peers are fearing the worst.

“Evan’s no longer pursuing his interests, like model airplane building and taking karate lessons,” said fourteen year veteran Mark Henry. “The word going around is that Evan’s being hanging with a bad crowd, and might be in a gang. I can’t tell you for sure; I’m just basing this on the word I’m hearing.”

Bourne’s first major injury, a bone crack in his lower leg that was sustained in 2008, sidelined the youngster for about half a year.

“Our hearts bleed for the kid, and we just hope that what we’re hearing isn’t true,” said broadcaster Matt Striker. “I was getting some fresh air during a promo recording session, and Evan was outside smoking. I’d never seen the kid taking a puff before, but he certainly had a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his sleeve. We went to get something to drink at a nearby 7-11, and he wouldn’t even put on his seatbelt. I asked him if he would, and he just sneered at me. This shoulder thing has turned him into a real broodster.”

Bourne was, at one time, very mindful and respectful to women. However, with this startling attitude change, those days appear to be over for now.

“Evan used to hold the door open for me all the time, and we’d go get frogurt together before tapings,” said WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres. “Now he’s all “Wassup, bitch, wanna get high?” and I used to think that Evan would only get high off of life. Now he’s on his cell phone all the time with some guy called ‘Ramrod’ and that doesn’t sound good. Also, he spray painted our initials inside a heart on the booking bulletin board. I try to avoid him now.”

“The weirdest part is his new, aggressive attitude toward the Divas,” Striker continued. “I’d heard about the Eve thing, and usually being aggressive toward a Diva is just an early-warning sign of an impending heel turn. Evan’s not even on camera, however, and that’s what makes this so confusing.”

We attempted to reach Bourne on his cell phone on two occasions. Both times, the call prompted a voicemail greeting of “Yo, this is Evan. Wassup, bitch, wanna get high?”

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
3 Responses to "Headlies: THE HARDCORE FANS DEMANDED IT: KEVIN THORN, BIG DADDY V TO HEADLINE NEXT ECW REUNION SHOW / WWE RUMORED TO BE BUILDING DEATH STAR / VETERANS WORRY THAT IMPRESSIONABLE EVAN BOURNE MIGHT HAVE JOINED A GANG"
  1. Walt says:

    That was awesome, I loved the ECW dig, and the Dana White/Fedor thing.

  2. Adam Cota says:

    Vince’s Death Star vs. Dana’s Death Star – who wouldn’t pay $15 to see that clash?!

  3. JRG79 says:

    So the Death Star is piloted by the Ultimate Warrior and is capable of ultimate destrucity?

    WE’RE DOOMED!!!

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