Washington, DC – During a backstage interview with Matt Striker, The Celtic Warrior Sheamus broke character and revealed that he is not actually from Dublin, Ireland.
The interview, meant to hype Sheamus’s 6-man tag team match against The Shield at Wrestlemania, started out as planned. When asked by Striker about how he plans to defeat The Shield, Sheamus, in his thick Irish accent said, “Fella, ever since I was a little fat kid on the streets of Ireland, I was bullied. I learned how to take a punch and learned how to kick some arse.”
Seeming to hit his typical stride for promos, Sheamus made an unexpected announcement. “When I think back to my home on the Emerald Isle, I….I…” Sheamus paused. “I can’t do this anymore,” said Sheamus, dropping his Irish accent for a Midwestern accent. “Look, this has been fun for a long time, playing the angry Irish guy, dyeing my hair red, wearing SPF 1000 to keep my skin a sickly shade of mayonnaise. I just can’t do it anymore. It’s just not me. I’m not really from Dublin, Ireland and my name isn’t Sheamus. I’m just plain old Shane Musberger from Dublin, Ohio. My parents are Herb and Dorthy Musberger, dontcha’ know. I grew up on a dairy farm for crying out loud!”
A clearly upset Sheamus continued with his soul-bearing rant, “You know, the best WWE Superstars from the past few years have all been themselves. Steve Austin was just being Steve Austin. CM Punk is just CM Punk. They just turn up the volume. Why can’t I do that? Why do I have to say ‘arse’ and ‘Fella’? The fans are dying for a dose of reality, not cartoon characters. Brodus Clay deserves better! Tensai deserves better! R-Truth deserves better! From now on, I’m going by my real name and my real story. The Brogue Kick will now be known as The Buckeye Kick. White Noise will be called The Meatpacker. Oh, and I’m getting rid of that stupid accent. It will only help my career.”
“You mean just like Kofi Kingston?” asked Striker.
Sheamus’s eyes grew wide, like a deer caught in headlights. He laughed nervously and said, “Fella, I was just playing with ya. I’m ready to kick some arse at Wrestlemania. Where’s me Lucky Charms! Fiddily diddly!”
Sheamus then began to feverishly dance an Irish jig while singing “Danny Boy” in hopes that the audience would forget everything he just said.