SENILE KEN PATERA, GRIMACE HAVE ‘UNEASY’ TRUCE AT CONVENTION
By Justin Henry
Fort Washington, PA – At the recent comic/sci-fi/wrestling convention in Fort Washington, former WWE Intercontinental Champion Ken Patera was on hand to sign autographs for fans and convention-goers alike, but the former Olympic strongman had ulterior motives for his appearance.
“I knew that the convention center was next door to a McDonalds,” explained Patera. “I hadn’t set foot in one since 1984, and I thought it was time to, you know, make amends.”
On a cold night in April 1984, Patera, along with fellow wrestler Masa Saito, were arrested for throwing a boulder through the window of a Wisconsin McDonalds when the two were refused service after hours. Patera ended up serving a sentence that derailed his career for a brief period.
Patera left the convention during a half hour break and walked next door, determined to make amends.
“I saw Grimace, the big purple guy, standing outside the restaurant wearing a sandwich board that was advertising some new combo meal. I went up, introduced myself although he no doubt remembers me, and apologized for the incident. I must have rambled for twenty minutes about how hungry I was, how the grease was good for my red meat-induced constipation, and how I just had to have a burger. He nodded politely the entire time, and I even autographed his sign board. He’s a good man, and I’m sorry that my hunger created such problems. I feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders.”
Grimace offered his take to our reporter who covered the reconciliation.
“Look, I don’t know who the Hell that guy is,” bristled Grimace. “My name is Carl, and I’m a sophomore at Villanova. I’m just here to make extra money for tuition. That crazy old man went on about a boulder and constipation and how someone named Verne made fun of his afro and how he couldn’t qualify for the Olympics anymore. I wanted to hit him, but kids were watching, you know?”
RIC FLAIR TO BUY OUT TNA CONTRACT BY SELLING KIDNEY
By Justin Henry
Orlando, FL – The tensions between “Nature Boy” Ric Flair and his estranged employer, Total Nonstop Action, have reached a fever pitch.
After an altercation during a recent TNA tour to Europe, Flair has come under fire for being unprofessional, and has had his money mismanagement become front page news on a number of wrestling websites.
The 61 year old Flair has been pining about returning to WWE, if only to attend this year’s Hall of Fame ceremony in April. Flair hopes to potentially induct best friend Arn Anderson, as well as be there for the induction of one-time protégé Shawn Michaels.
Flair has offered to buy out his TNA contract but, given his money situation, is finding that doing so won’t be easy.
What to do if you’re Ric Flair?
“He’s actually threatening to pawn a kidney,” said TNA representative Steven Bropillar. “He’s been inquiring with various local hospitals to see where he could have the procedure done the cheapest. I understand Mr. Flair has been consulting with several local, shall we say, ‘legitimate businessmen’ as well, in the hopes of coming up with enough money to buy his way out of TNA.”
Flair himself has confirmed these rumors.
“Right now, there’s a good opportunity opening up with a Mafioso’s brother,” said Flair, when reached on a prepaid cell phone that somebody gave him. “He and I are rough matches with our kidneys, and I’m playing hardball right now. I know I can squeeze a few grand out of this deal some more.”
Even if the sixteen time World Champion gets the money he seeks, there are other obstacles.
“The Mafioso in question is based out of Tallahassee,” Flair explained. “When I’m bringing the money to Orlando, I’m going to end up passing so many bars, escort services, and casinos, and that’s like lighting a fuse with me. That money’s not going to stand a chance! Fortunately, I’m going to have the Mafioso’s doctor sew the check inside of me, so that I can’t spend it before getting to Orlando. By the time I reach the Impact Zone, I can just have Abyss use that nail board thingy to rip me open. We all win! WHOOOO!”
MARK HENRY, LONG-LOST SON REUNITE
By Sean Carless & Catheline Perez
Silsbee, TX – Silsbee native and pro wrestler (technically) Mark Henry hadn’t seen his son since WWE backstage agents took him away shortly after his birth in early 2000, never to be seen again. Henry, 39, was dumbfounded by the agents’ own confusion at his insistence that they let him cut the umbilical cord and name the child after his late father, “Dad”, unaware of the scripted nature of WWE programming. Though he would be constantly ridiculed by his peers for living up to his first name, Henry insists that no one had ever told him that the birth of his son, and pro wrestling in general, was fake.
“No one ever told me,” Henry told reporters, tugging on his beard in confused distraction, as if still trying to put it all together. “I remember the other Rasslers always sayin’ to me what they was gonna do in the middle of our matches. I just figured they was terrible at strategy.”
In the face of accusations of his relationship to the rubber hand, and his affair with the hand’s mother (elderly, semi-retired woman grappler Mae Young) being a sham written for the sole purpose of entertainment, Henry was again baffled. Upon further explanation of how his entire WWE career had been predetermined and scripted — the cameras in strange places, the intercourse with the elderly, the transvestite fellatio –, he merely scratched his head.
“Predetermined? Cameras? Storylines?” a shocked Henry again asked, before smiling as if a revelation had suddenly come over him. “So this means Owen, Bulldog, Mr. Perfect, Hawk, Crash, Eddie, Test – they still all alive?!” he then bellowed joyously.
We didn’t have the heart to tell him “no, the company really killed them,” however.
Luckily for the former Sexual Chocolate, the news did get better.
Despite the unrelenting ridicule from his co-workers, Henry still spent the last ten years on a desperate search for his son/the elusive McRib sandwich that he had heard was so delicious, yet so unattainable. The search for the former finally paid off a month ago, when Henry and his hand child, now 10 years old, shared a tearful reunion outside of a WWE event, where the hand was eagerly seeking John Cena’s autograph whilst wearing “The Champ’s” paraphernalia on each oversized finger that made up his unusual body.
“I’m not gonna lie, when I saw him, I couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy,” a booming Henry insisted about the child’s disturbing appearance, reminiscing, searching the sweat-stained singlet he was still strangely wearing for a candy bar seemingly tucked away within an unseen crevice. “I mean, man, that Cena merch is terrible.”
After his auspicious birth and brief storage in a secret WWE vault– alongside the bound body of former wrestling standout Randy “Macho Man” Savage and the unedited version of the 50 Greatest Superstars of All Time DVD–, the young hand, unbeknownst to his father, was then reared in an orphanage for disembodied and detached WWE parts, eventually growing up alongside deposed others such as Kerry Von Erich’s foot, Zach Gowen’s cancer leg, Chyna’s penis, and Ted DiBiase, Jr.’s personality.
When pressed for comment about this unusual upbringing, the young hand itself was strangely silent. Its lack of mouth may have played a part. His father, however, was a little more forthcoming. Kind of.
“I wasn’t ready to be a father/professional wrestler,” Henry soon explained, thinking back to the night of his son’s birth with a heart heavy, and likely covered in 3 inches of cholesterol. “All I remembered was that Pat Patterson reachin’ both hands into a dark hole, winking at me, and sayin’ ‘just another day at the office! I tuned out everything else after that.”
It was a mere days later that he realized that he had made a terrible mistake in letting his only son go/wearing red instead of the much more slimming black.
However, after a brief rocky road– and countless other flavors of ice cream–, the happy father and son, –since rechristened “The World’s Strongest Hand”–, are now living together and trying their best to make their new lives work. The child has even already taken on many of his father’s traits. Within days of their reunion, it had already instinctually bent most of the frying pan’s in the kitchen and torn all the phone books in the house in two – an act of inherited strength that initially angered his usually jovial father as there was now no way to prepare/order dinner. And of course the standard 2nd and 3rd dinners. The child also broke every finger on his body and injured three neighborhood children in the process.
Despite insisting that these hiccups are just transitory and they’ll eventually find their groove, like any father, Henry still worries about his son’s future.
“There’s not a lot of suitable hand-jobs out there,” he revealed ignorantly, but innocently. “But we’s not gonna accept just any hand-outs,” he then continued, again naively deadpan, holding his last frying pan. Then bending it. Just because.
Luckily, the good people behind the Hamburger Helper brand have since come to the Henrys’ aid regardless, offering a potential spokesperson deal to the unique child, if and when he’s ready.
“I’m just glad he’ll be helping people,” the proud papa revealed soon after hearing the news, before being informed of what it really meant and where he could get some. “Maybe one day he can take up Rasslin, too. Without feet, he’d be a shoe-in to win the Royal Rumble. Or a glove-in.”
When met with silence, Henry let out a nervous laugh. “This why we don’t get to write our own promos,” he then revealed with egg on his face. Literal egg; a leftover remnant from a seemingly bountiful breakfast.
“But I’m not too worried,” he then continued optimistically, soon cradling the stoic human-limb that is his son in his massive arms. “Even though I told them the boy can’t talk and seems to have no personality, Vince just shrugged his shoulders, handed him a ticket to FCW, and said, ‘He’ll fit right in.’”