Headlies: Roman Reigns Inconsolable After Royal Rumble Reaction

10 Submitted by on Fri, 30 January 2015, 08:00


Pensacola, FL – Roman Reigns, the 2015 WWE Royal Rumble winner, has been grief-stricken following the negative reaction from wrestling fans.

“I did what WWE wanted me to do. I just want to do well and have everyone like me,” said a teary-eyed Reigns from his couch. “Why does everyone have to be so mean? Calling me all sorts of names and yelling at me. I hate yelling!”

Once a fan-favorite at last year’s Rumble, Reigns has suffered from numerous setbacks that have hurt his star power. Poor interviews, bad material, booking, and the ever-fickle wrestling fans have sent Reigns into a shame spiral.

“I haven’t left my house in days and these sweatpants are starting to smell,” said Reigns in between bites of Carvel Cookie Puss ice cream cake. “I’ve just been binge-watching The Wonder Years and My Little Pony on Netflix. Oh Shutterfly, you’re the only one who understands me.”

With a big sigh, Reigns looked at his cell phone and deleted several texts without reading them. He then hit the speed dial button.

“Yeah, Dominos? It’s Roman again. Yeah, the usual. This time, can you arrange the pepperoni, meatballs, buffalo chicken and sausage to spell out ‘We love Roman Reigns’? Thanks.” said Roman before bursting into tears and burying his face into his Snuggie.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
10 Responses to "Headlies: Roman Reigns Inconsolable After Royal Rumble Reaction"
  1. John C says:

    Meanwhile in Stately Dwayne Manor a still shell shocked Rocky looks outside his picturesque window and mutters his catchphrases to himself. “Finally…The Rock has come back to…Philadelphia”, and before he could finish his sentence Dwayne began to sob uncontrollably and could no longer continue.

  2. Drew says:

    At first glance, I thought that was Al Snow under the Snuggly. But then I thought “wait a second, Snow could actually wrestle a bit in his ECW days. So he might not be featured today on Wrestlecrap.” My addled brain quickly reset to think of greasy haired lumps with minimal wrestling ability and no mic skills whatsoever. C’mon down, Roman Reigns!!

  3. Stephen says:

    “Oh Shutterfly, you’re the only one who understands me.”

    Jordan, it’s lines like this that make you my favourite writer on this site. 🙂

  4. Sir Thomas says:

    The Wonder Years and M Little Pony? Call me crazy, but Roman Reigns always struck me as more of a Brisco County kind of guy. I learn something new every day.

  5. Sean O says:

    In b4 that one brony of wrestlecrap remarks “It’s Fluttershy, not Shutterfly”

    But yes that Domino’s call is hilarious.

  6. Down With OPC says:

    That snugggie makes Roman look strong. I’m looking forward to the day a Roman Reigns snuggie shows up on Someone Bought This.

  7. Alexandru says:

    Haha this was good

  8. Peter says:

    I had Roman pegged more for One Tree Hill, and possibly Smallville.

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