REPO MAN TO STEAL ALBERTO DEL RIO’S CARS UNTIL PAYMENTS ARE MADE
By Justin Henry
San Luis Potosi, Mexico – While Alberto Del Rio may be on the “Road to WrestleMania”, the #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Championship may have to find alternate means of transportation.
While Del Rio’s fortune runs deep, the 33-year old Smackdown star has been shirking payments on his expensive collection of cars. With billing notices mounting, agencies have been equally negligent about pursuing any sort of action against Del Rio.
Except for one.
Former WWE Superstar/self-employed repossession agent “Repo Man” has taken it upon himself to handle Del Rio’s caseload.
“See thing this is, HEE HEE, that Del Rio thinks he can GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING BECAUSE OF WHO HE IS, HA HA HA!,” said a rather animated Repo Man. “Well, unfortunately for him, he’s messing with the WRONG GUY! I’m the Repo Man, and what’s mine is mine….and what’s Alberto Del Rio’s….IS MINE TOO!”
Thus far, Repo Man has absconded with Del Rio’s 2005 Bentley Azure, valued at $127,000, which Del Rio left for a valet outside of Consuela’s, a local five star gourmet restaurant.
“Alberto, HE’S SO DUMB, HA HA!,” screeched Repo Man. “For as aristocratic and well-versed as he claims to be, he doesn’t know that valets don’t wear Lone Ranger masks! WHAT A CAD! THAT CAR WAS ALL MINE! HA HA HA HA HA!”
Repo Man claims that his methods are legitimate, and that, from 1991 to 1993, he had his most lucrative years. However, after that, his time spent as a repossession agent had dwindled.
“In order to stay up all night to steal cars and other valuables, I had to, you know, resort to the nose candy. It sucked having to find good sellers, so I made it a habit to go to Jake Roberts’ house every week, steal his car, and trade it back to him for a few rocks! He never had a CLUE WHAT WAS GOING ON!”
Repo Man admits that this method wasn’t always so sound.
“One night, instead of straight up crack, Roberts gives me this powder that was some bizarre Chinese peyote or something. I did three rails and, before you know it, not only did I steal a school bus and drive it through an art museum, but I broke into Vince McMahon’s mansion and tried to steal the rights to the gimmick Demolition! I excitedly called Ax to tell him, and he called me Smash, which made me flip out, because Bill Watts preached kayfabe to me, so I pulled out a Gatling gun and shot Vince’s limo driver! Things turned out okay when I got former NBA player Jayson Williams to take the fall! AND NOW I’M BACK! And thanks to Five Hour Energy, I don’t have to go to Jake’s house anymore! HEE HEE HEE! HA HA HA!”
Repo Man offered these final words for Alberto Del Rio:
“Pay up, Del Rio! Or you won’t HAVE a car at WrestleMania! But, if you want, I can steal one of those motorized ring carts that they used at WrestleMania III for you! HA HA HA!”
RODERICK STRONG “CAN’T WAIT” TO BECOME FORGOTTEN WWE MIDCARDER
By Justin Henry
Los Angeles – Roderick Strong, despite being Ring of Honor’s World Champion, is looking forward to the day that he trades it all in for a shot at losing to anyone and everyone in World Wrestling Entertainment.
The 27 year old independent standout has been eagerly checking his cell phone every hour, seeing if WWE talent relations have returned his calls.
“It’s a very exciting opportunity for me if I end up being offered,” Strong said in Los Angeles, whilst preparing for an upcoming ROH event. “Anyone can make it in Ring of Honor; just do about seventy or eighty variations of the same basic move, and you get basement dwellers massaging your feet. But to go on WWE Smackdown and play dead after Drew McIntyre hits you with Future Shock? I’ve been aspiring to be that guy for YEARS.”
Other than a brief tenure in TNA around 2005, Strong has never really tested the waters of a “mainstream” promotion. Instead, “The Messiah of the Backbreaker” has plied his trade on the cult circuit, most notably Ring of Honor.
“I see how lucky guys like Matthew (Evan Bourne), Brandon (Kaval), and Dragon (Daniel Bryan) are when they get to lose haplessly to guys 6’2” and taller. Hey, what’s a 6’2”, jacked-up bad-ass without a 5’10” pipsqueak to throw around like the vanilla midget that he is? Like I said, this indy crap is easy. I’m tired of the chants of “FIVE STAR MATCH!”, and I wish to hear things more along the lines of “WE WANT ORTON!” It’s about time I make that jump.
Strong was also asked if he would modify his vast set of maneuvers in order to placate those in WWE.
“Absolutely! I mean, I only do all of those backbreakers to pop the crowd! If I wrestled the way I prefer to, getting mauled by a bigger opponent, then I wouldn’t be getting those meager HDNet checks. Besides, if I have my way, I’ll never get in a move edgewise anyway. I’m looking forward to feuding with Ezekiel Jackson. Like he’s gonna sell my stupid “Sick Kick”!”
When reached for a comment on Strong’s statements, Green Lantern Fan promptly fainted.
TNA SIGNS AL WILSON JUST TO PROVE WWE ARE FRAUDS
By Justin Henry
Orlando, FL – TNA owner Dixie Carter sent out a press release today, confirming the signing of former WWE talent Al Wilson.
Wilson is the father of former WCW and WWE bombshell Torrie Wilson, and was involved in a rather lurid and controversial storyline in 2002. The elder Wilson, well into his sixties, became smitten with his daughter’s rival, former WWE diva Dawn Marie, married her, and ended up “dying” of a sex-induced heart attack during the honeymoon.
“I think it’s time that wrestling fans the world over were told the truth of WWE’s blatant lie,” said Carter through the statement. “In early 2003, Wilson was explained to have died during his honeymoon with Dawn Marie when, in fact, he’s alive and in good health. For a company that was trying to produce a Senator from its ruling family, the lie in play here is staggering.”
Wilson hasn’t been seen anywhere since his 2003 “demise”, and a representative of Carter explained via phone interview how they plan to re-integrate him.
“There’s been some question as to whether or not anyone remembers Al Wilson,” said TNA spokesperson Gerald Prettervich. “Mrs. Carter is under the reasonable assumption that wrestling fans, like her, spend a good 14-16 hours a day watching old WWE television shows to scout talent and ideas, so it’s a safe bet that Al Wilson’s signing will be met with tremendous enthusiasm.”
Carter was apparently deeply affected by the Wilson storyline, and how the lie was the catalyst for his signing.
“Watching the show, Mrs. Carter became grief-stricken when she watched Al Wilson laying lifeless in that hotel room bed. She thought it was reprehensible that WWE would air a man’s death on television, in prime time with children watching. As she had become attached to Wilson’s character during his three month run, you can imagine how harrowing it was to watch him die. It wasn’t until someone in the room, I think it was Dennis, explained to her that it was merely a storyline and that Al WASN’T dead, she had the realization that he was somebody else from WWE that we could sign. And all was kosher from there.”