Headlies: Raw Extended to 5 Hours, Bryan Alvarez Institutionalized

10 Submitted by on Fri, 03 October 2014, 08:00


Bothell, WA – In a press conference, WWE CEO Vince McMahon made the surprise announcement that his company’s flagship show Monday Night Raw would be adding two extra hours. The extension will now see the program running from 8:00 PM EST to 1:00 AM EST.

This is a very exciting time,” said McMahon with a twinkle in his eye. “We’re really going to tap into the precious insomniac and unemployed market. And just wait for the 1 AM overrun. We’re going to crush that ‘Set It And Forget It’ infomercial!”

The news of two more hours being added to Raw was met with anger and derision, particularly from well-known wrestling journalist Bryan Alvarez. Alvarez, who runs Figure Four Online/WrestlingObserver.com with Dave Meltzer, suffered a mental breakdown upon hearing the news.

He just sort of let out this loud, primal scream, like he was shot out of a cannon by Bigfoot,” said Alvarez’s life-partner and co-host of The Bryan and Vinny Show Vince Verhei. “Then he just kept screaming ‘Why?! Why?! Why?!’ over and over again. This is worse than the time he got the original NXT theme song stuck in his head. You know the ‘We are wild and young’ one. That was the worst. We’re going to get Bryan the help he needs…right after I review every episode of Wrestling Society X.”

Alvarez has been receiving treatment at the Bothell Institute For The Very, Very Nervous under the strict care of Dr. Richard Thorndyke.

Bryan has suffered an acute mental breakdown due to the extreme stress of writing The Death Of WCW, maintaining his website, recording and producing wrestling podcasts, and working on his After Dark radio program,” said Dr. Thorndyke. “The combination of sleep deprivation and trips to Super China Buffet took a great toll on Bryan both physically and mentally. The added strain of having to watch more WWE programming pushed him over the edge, causing his mind to retreat inwards. He’s definitely not having a ‘fun time as always’.”

When asked about Alvarez’s condition, Dr. Thorndyke said, “Bryan has been in a mild state of catatonia. He moves in a rocking motion and flatly repeats ‘How’s it going, everybody?’ He has responded well to viewings of Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat. With a combination of heavy medication and New Japan matches, we hope to have Bryan recovered by Wrestlemania.”

Taking over Bryan’s podcasting duties will be his Wrestling Observer Live co-host Mike Sempervive and longtime fan of the site, Ed from San Antonio.

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
10 Responses to "Headlies: Raw Extended to 5 Hours, Bryan Alvarez Institutionalized"
  1. Preparation Triple H says:

    I went to visit Bryan at the Institute the other day, and this is how he was:
    [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0B9Fc6LgMo?version=3&rel=1&showsearch=0&showinfo=1&iv_load_policy=1&fs=1&hl=en-US&autohide=2&wmode=transparent&w=640&h=360]

  2. Kenneth Wise says:

    Super China Buffet will kill anyone. Their kung pow rice makes my stomach do moonsaults!!!

  3. John C says:

    I hope they bring in the world renowned specialist Dr. Sigmund Ziff to tend to this situation. “Keep watching the watch.”, was what Dr. Ziff said when asked to comment.

  4. Thun says:

    “Bryan has suffered an acute mental breakdown due to the extreme stress of writing The Death Of WCW”

    God damn it, RD!

  5. RD Reynolds says:

    Only thing missing was an “At the end of the day…”

  6. Thomas says:

    Bryan looks pretty happy in that photo. Maybe he’s glad to finally be getting the help he needs.

    Either that, or he’s enjoying that straitjacket too much.

  7. Thomas Moffatt says:

    WHEN are you going to address the disappearance of Man Mountain Rock from the Wrestlecrap inductions??????????????????

  8. the14thListener says:

    Maybe he needs to hug it out? Though it’s pretty one-sided in a straight-jacket. At least Abyss, Norman the Lunatic, Mankind Sam Shaw, Rick Flair and some version of Kane can keep him company.

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