RANDY ORTON ASKS TO BORROW “HEAT MACHINE” FOR USE IN DAILY LIFE
By Justin Henry
St. Louis, MO – Former eight time World Champion Randy Orton hasn’t always been the most popular of champions, as WWE would prefer fans to believe, and even he admits that.
“I don’t know where my career would be without Smackdown’s heat machine,” said Orton, speaking of the auditory device that pipes canned cheers and boos into the venues in which he performs. “It’s gone a long way in convincing people at home that chinlocks are worth soaking your khaki shorts over, and I can never understate its value in making me look lively and liked, as opposed to a boring, run-of-the-mill fish-chomped corpse with gangrene-looking tattoos.”
Indeed, the heat machine is to Orton what a horde of ridiculous outfits and a fake buttocks are to Nicki Minaj. That’s why “The Apex Predator” is looking to continue the string of ‘image finessing’ in his personal life as well.
“I’m hooked on the imaginary reactions,” explains Orton. “You could say I have an addiction. And I’m not even worried about testing positive for such an addiction, because the last time my name was tied to drugs, I was WWE Champion a month later. Hell, I defected on the face of Vince’s grandson last month and Vince laughed. Then he bought me a Rolls Royce. So I’m convinced that, since Vinnie Mac will give me whatever I want, I can make this unusual request.”
Orton will reportedly ask Vince McMahon for use of the Smackdown ‘heat machine’ for use in his day to day life.
“I’ve had these fantasies, you know, about walking into a place like Cold Stone Creamery or Arby’s or that fetish place I like that has the cinnamon-flavored ball-gags, and getting a huge roar of approval from the denizens. Of course, being more awkward and gangly than the average guy, that doesn’t happen. I usually get stares of disapproval, especially from the religious folks who think my greenish tattoos are symptoms of leprosy. But if I had that heat machine, I could play deafening cheers and, subconsciously, convince the people that I’m somebody deserving of their admiration. Then they’ll subliminally be forced to like me!”
But what if Randy Orton were to turn heel again at some point during his WWE career?
“Well, moron, there’s more than one setting on the heat machine! If a machine only had one setting, it’s not much of a machine then, is it?”
After Orton resisted the urge to throw furniture and strike me with a nearby wastebasket, he calmed down and explained.
“If I enter one of those places as a heel, I can play the boos, and get ACTUAL hate, you know, instead of genuine indifference. And it’s a lot less hassle, because now instead of doing something to earn that hatred, like yell at the ice cream server, or ignore the harem girl’s use of the safety word, the boos and jeers will save me time, energy, and having to sign a special waiver the next time I go back to Rectal Wasteland.”
MATHEMATICIAN DEVELOPS “PWTORCH / TNA MATCH RATING SHORTCHANGE THEOREM”
By Justin Henry
Pasadena, CA – A professor and some students at the California Institute of Technology have co-founded an interesting mathematical theorem that can be applied to the world of professional wrestling.
Dr. Kyriakos Conalsis, a mathematics professor at Cal-Tech since 1973, and long-time wrestling fan, took interest in a post-class discussion between three of his students, who were feverishly debating the merits of an online wrestling writer.
“My students were speaking of a man named James Caldwell of a site called Pro Wrestling Torch,” explains Dr. Conalsis. “It was a Friday afternoon, and TNA Impact had aired the night before. After a particularly good match between Matt Hardy and Crimson, all three students would have pegged the match as being **3/4 or ***, but Caldwell said it was only *1/2. They were in disbelief, and figured maybe Caldwell had a bad day, but further research proved to be very interesting.”
The three students spent the weekend looking into previous Impact recaps of Caldwell’s, and what they found was rather disturbing.
“It’s like he’s mad at TNA for making him have to spend his Thursdays watching television,” said Matthew Drebasker, a sophomore who participated in this project. “I haven’t seen such hateful, spiteful writing since I reviewed Chyna’s autobiography for a wrestling newsletter.”
Going back several years, Debasker and his fellow classmates Anthony Bottolio and Dave Aripeele, pored through the archives of Caldwell’s Impact reviews, and discovered that Caldwell shortchanges matches with paltry ratings, apparently to spite the company he devotes several hours a week to write about.
“We were beginning to wonder if “James Caldwell” is a pseudonym for “John Laurinatis,” quipped Bottolio.
After looking for patterns in the ratings, in comparison to what kind of ratings the three students would have given the matches, Dr. Conalsis worked with the young men to devise a theorem to encapsulate an accurate guess for how Caldwell is going to undermine the hard work of the performers in the company he hates vehemently.
Thus, the “PWTorch/TNA Match Rating Shortchange Theorem” was born.
The theorem looks like this: JCPT = CW/2.
“JCPT represents “James Caldwell’s Poor Taste,” explained Aripeele. “CW would represent “conventional wisdom” and you divide that in half, and you get what Caldwell would allot to a TNA match.”
“Say you have a match with Robert Roode and Shannon Moore,” offered Dr. Conalsis. “It’s a see-saw nine minute affair, and you think ‘Golly, that’s a *** match!’ Well, it’s going to be *1/2 from Caldwell every time.”
Dr. Conalsis also explained a modifier to the theorem.
“A variant upon this formula is ‘JCPT + IH = CW/2.5’ The IH stands for “irrational hatred”, and is applied in conjunction with the presence of an aging WWE or WCW talent, like Bully Ray or Ric Flair or Sting, and that makes Caldwell angrier. So should you see a match between Scott Steiner and Sting that could be considered a *** main event, expect a Caldwell review to say it’s *1/4 at best. I’m not crazy, the evidence clearly supports this.”