Toronto, ON – Miss Marietta Lively, a new female wrestler, will make her in ring debut tonight at Monday Night Raw.
“The WWE is proud to have Miss Marietta Lively on our roster, especially after the firing of Cody Rhodes last week,” said Triple H. “You know, I don’t actually know all that much about her. As Executive Vice President of Talent, I usually scout our newest prospects myself, but after the Sin Cara um… unpleasantness, I’ve decided to take the word of my predecessor, John Laurinaitis.”
“I think I found Ms. Marietta Lively in a copy of a Forever 21 clothing magazine,” said the gravel-and-Ovaltine-voiced Laurinaitis. “Or maybe it was Cheek Week. Sorry, I can’t keep track of all my reading material now that my cleaning lady has gone and messed up all my labels and categories.”
Miss Marietta Lively, who refused to be interviewed, will be competing in the male division rather than against the Divas. Serving as her manager will be none other than the Boogie Woogie Man himself, Jimmy Valiant. No word yet if Valiant will be managing from beneath a glass table.
“I saw her doing some warmups and working in the ring. I was really impressed,” said Triple H. “I mean, she was doing kneedrops, inverted suplex slams, all sorts of great stuff. She even did a perfect Beautiful Disaster kick into a flawless Cross Rhodes. Just like Cody…” Triple H paused as a look of shock and horror spread across his face.
“Wait a minute!” he said. “The Southern accent. The inability to speak properly. The noticeable remnants of a mustache. Miss Marietta Lively is Dixie Carter!”