BALTIMORE – After being hospitalized earlier Monday following a vomiting spell that was possibly linked to chest pains, wrestling legend Jerry “The King” Lawler updated a worldwide television audience with a positive prognosis during WWE Monday Night Raw. In regards to receiving updates on Lawler’s health status, dignified lead WWE broadcaster Michael Cole informed home viewers that they could find out how Lawler was doing by downloading the wrestling conglomerate’s digital ‘app’.
An estimated 1.6 million WWE fans deleted the ‘app’ from their mobile devices in the hours after Monday Night Raw signed off the air.
“They can’t even finish their stories anymore, not without stupid cop-out endings,” said Colin Dirnton of Chesapeake, VA. “I listen to Cole explain how to download the stupid App every single week, and now that something remotely interesting may be happening, I finally download it.”
An hour later, it’s like, “Ohh, he’s fine! Thanks for your download, suckers!” This is like when Hornswoggle was announced as the anonymous general manager, only with the courtesy to speed up the cop-out this time.”
For others, like Mark Bassener of Yuma, AZ, the revelation of Lawler’s ill-health was a business opportunity. As the lead reporter of the wrestling news site, CopyAndPasteMeltzer.com, Bassener had hoped to break any bad news before anyone else could.
“If it bleeds it leads,” Bassener quipped. “I’d figured WWE was throwing its constituents a bone by allowing us to find out about a wrestler’s turn for the worse in real time. Instead, it was merely a ploy to make us acquire their product. You have to shake your head at the lack of ethics on display here.”
“We do apologize if we’d mislead any fans,” said a source with WWE’s media division. “In the future, we promise to only hawk the mobile App in moderation, and only if we’re certain someone will actually expire.”
“Until then, our interns will follow around all notable employees that develop coughing fits. After all, losing 1.6 million subscribers in six hours won’t look good to our stockholders.”