Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here
MICHAEL COLE’S HOUSE WILL HAVE PLENTY OF “TRICK OR TWEETERS” THIS YEAR
By Justin Henry
Amenia, NY – Children who go trick or treating this year in Michael Cole’s neck of the woods had best be prepared for a social networking experience to go along with the candy.
The media-affirmed WWE announcer plans on turning this year’s Halloween experience into a worldwide global phenomenon, not unlike what WWE has claimed to be millions of times.
“I’m very excited to do this for the Neighborhood Universe, because the demand has been overwhelming for quite some time now,” Cole said. “I’m hoping the first batch of trick or treaters provides memorable fodder for me to tweet about, so that we can get trending in a hurry.”
But the question is: what is there to tweet about?
“Let’s say a kid shows up dressed as, I don’t know, who’s the most important star in the world…..Johnny De–, no….Justin Bei….hmm, no…..John Cena. Let’s say a kid shows up dressed as Cena. I’ll tweet something like #KidInCenaCostume on my personal account and, within minutes of pushing it, I’ll announce that “Kid in Cena Costume” is trending WORLDWIDE on Twitter. The purpose of this is….uhh….to show how hip myself and the WWE are. Beyond that, as long as we appear hip, that’s all that matters.”
Cole also explained that the trending will not be limited to just costume selections.
“I’ll also tweet about the candy being given out. This year, the wife and I bought heavy on mini Snickers and Three Musketeers. If we tweet about them, boom, future sponsorships for WWE right there. And with the Three Musketeers movie coming out, there’s crossover potential. Did somebody say “Guest hosts” and “swordfight between Hornswoggle and a soon-to-be-fired Heath Slater”? I know I did! And it’s trending WORLDWIDE on Twitter!
SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES IN WWE ’12 ASK USER, “ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULDN’T RATHER BE JOHN CENA?”
By Justin Henry
Agoura Hills, CA – WWE has spared no amount of time and effort into making sure its fans recognize John Cena as the absolute best sports entertainer on the planet (“Like forty-six Hulk Hogans,” Vince McMahon claimed during a board meeting).
The upcoming WWE ’12 video game is no different.
“Per order of Vince McMahon and Kevin Dunn, we’re pushing John Cena hard in this game,” says WWE ’12 developer Rand Plexer. “There are now messages on the character select screen that pop up if you try to pick anyone but Cena, asking if you’re absolutely sure you wish to be that other wrestler. If you try picking Zack Ryder, the system shuts down, and your controller points at you and laughs.”
Testing of the game provided mixed results.
“There were a number of users that didn’t seem happy with the pro-Cena slant,” Plexer explained. “One complained that, as he played against Cena, that Cena’s energy level seemed to restore itself, despite being thrown off Hell in a Cell seven times. On another occasion, somebody selected CM Punk, and complained about our new Info Scroll that runs on the screen. If you select Punk, during your match, you are informed of random facts, like how John Cena sells a lot of merchandise, or that Punk is happier in WWE than he was in Ring of Honor, or that steroids are good for you.”
We then asked, what is the purpose of this excessive campaigning for Cena?
“Well, depending on your point of view, we either are very big on seeing WWE’s top star continue to shine on any medium, or Vince McMahon threatened us with a plutonium bomb that he purchased from a Syrian warlord. Either way, we’re not really willing to reveal our mindset.”