Headlies: MATT HARDY TO HEADLINE WRESTLEMANIA 27 ON “SMACKDOWN VS. RAW 2011″ / FORECASTERS PREDICT BIG SHOW’S ANNUAL HEEL TURN WILL COME “EARLIER THAN EXPECTED”

0 Submitted by on Thu, 27 December 2012, 10:59

Text by Justin Henry; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless
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MATT HARDY TO HEADLINE WRESTLEMANIA 27 ON “SMACKDOWN VS. RAW 2011″

By Justin Henry

Cameron, NC – Matt Hardy has finally realized his dream, and will get to headline the 27th annual grand spectacle known as Wrestlemania.

The 36 year old TNA talent has been feverishly playing “Smackdown Vs. Raw 2011” on his PlayStation 3, and believes he has leveled up his stats enough to take out would-be champion CM Punk at the big event.

“I made Punk the champion because he said some not-nice things about my brother,” said Hardy through his website. “So after I won the Royal Rumble from the #1 spot, things are headed for a collision course between Punk and myself, because he brought my family into it. And when that match happens, I’ll be more than happy to transfer the video to DailyMotion for all to see. I’d use YouTube, but you only get ten minutes on YouTube, and that may not be long enough for all 75 Twist of Fates I’m going to hit.”

Hardy has also set up the Wrestlemania card to favor his closest allies.

“I spent a good day and a half creating my brother, Shane, and Shannon on the game,” Hardy continued. “Jeff’s going to be facing Val Venis just to show him who the better worker is. Shane’s gonna take on Shawn Michaels in an Inferno Match because it just seems right. And Shannon, who is 6’11 at his insistence, will be in a six pack challenge with five guys who are over 300 lbs. Let’s see them call him ‘Hilary Duff’ to his face now!”

Hardy also notes that his celebration after defeating Punk will be epic.

“I created Ashley Massaro, who will celebrate with me by rubbing my manly body. I had to beat my created Paul London to win her back. Paul looks funny wrestling in the dress I gave him. I took cell phone pictures; wanna see?”


FORECASTERS PREDICT BIG SHOW’S ANNUAL HEEL TURN WILL COME “EARLIER THAN EXPECTED”

By Justin Henry

Silver Spring, MD – The National Weather Service is the source in the United States for weather updates, forecasts, predictions, and extreme advisories, but it turns out that the nation’s leading forecasters also dabble in analyzing patterns in professional wrestling.
When asked to analyze WWE in 2011, the experts all seemed to agree: The annual heel turn of Big Show will happen ahead of the previous projections.

“Our early predictions didn’t indicate anything abnormal,” said NWS representative Robert Hingletree. “But after another look at recent trends and using them to determine future events, it seems that Big Show will be turning heel sometime around late May/early June. Our initial forecast called for an August turn, around Summerslam, but now we’re bumping it up.”

Hingletree was asked to clarify the evidence that leads the NWS to believe in Show’s more sudden turn.

“The sales of that horrid “Knucklehead” movie, combined with a likely low number of sales for Show’s anthology DVD that comes out in March, will indicate to Vince McMahon that Show is too “soft” and needs more of an edge. So, according to recent trends, the best way to jump start someone’s heel push is to have them beat up Rey Mysterio. But given that Mysterio’s wearing down, there’s a chance that Show will instead throw Kofi Kingston off of the Titantron.”

Hingletree was also asked how fans should handle the early turn, and what safety tips he can offer.

“Just follow the usual precautions for a Show turn. Instinctively, you’re going to keep quiet during his matches, and that will be helped along by his molasses-like offense. Ride it out as best you can, don’t give him any reaction that would necessitate a push, and before you know it, by November, he’ll have turned face again, where he’ll be a jolly midcarder feuding with Drew McIntyre.”

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Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)

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