Headlies: MAN WHO BUYS DOLPH ZIGGLER’S TIGHTS OFF WWE AUCTION SITE “CANNOT FATHOM” INABILITY TO GET LAID

1 Submitted by on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:48

Text by Justin HenryRD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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MAN WHO BUYS DOLPH ZIGGLER’S TIGHTS OFF WWE AUCTION SITE “CANNOT FATHOM” INABILITY TO GET LAID
By Justin Henry

Brigantine, NJ – For 23 year old Damon Belskie, his $1700 purchase of tights worn by a WWE wrestler should have come with the guarantee of estrogenal magnetism.

Instead, he got a certificate of authenticity, and a pair of unwashed trunks that smell like pork chops.

Those were his words, for the record.

Belskie placed the winning bid on a set of black trunks worn by WWE performer Dolph Ziggler, spending nearly two thousand dollars just to get his mitts on the attire. However, since donning the tights in an attempt to impress the local ladies, Belskie remains barely able to attract the attention of even the nymphomaniacs at the sports bar.

“I never thought my weight was a liability before,” said the 338 pound Belskie, an attendant at the Exxon station on Balsawood Drive. “I just thought if I could look like Dolph, who is quite a ladies’ man, I’d have a better chance at getting noticed. It’s like those AXE body spray commercials, except this involves the tights of a ruggedly handsome wrestler.”

Belskie may have made a mistake by wearing the tights in public places, whereas Ziggler wears casual and formal attire, saving his trunks for his ring performances.

“Yeah, that may have been a bit weird too in hindsight. Going down to the park wearing just the tights, shoes, and the satin replica Strike Force jacket my sheltered cousin made me was a mistake. It may have been okay if I’d zipped the jacket up and pretending like I was jogging, because those kids screaming and mothers flipping out at the playground sure got the wrong idea. They sure don’t like eczema scarring, that’s for sure.”

Belskie plans to scrap the Ziggler tights in his continued pursuit for a mate, but will retain the Strike Force jacket, as he feels it’s not the problem.

“With it, I shall have a girl….in my CAR!” Belskie exclaimed while gesturing to his 1987 Ford Scorpio.

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Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
1 Response to "Headlies: MAN WHO BUYS DOLPH ZIGGLER’S TIGHTS OFF WWE AUCTION SITE “CANNOT FATHOM” INABILITY TO GET LAID"
  1. Down With OPC says:

    The very first time I ever wore AXE Body Spray was the same night I got laid for the first time. Just sayin’.

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