JOHN CENA TO MENTOR SIN CARA, TEACH HIM HOW TO WRESTLE
By Justin Henry
London, England – After international lucha sensation Sin Cara (the man once known as Mistico) made a couple errors in judgment during his first televised WWE match, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon has made the call to scale back Cara’s push until it’s felt he’s ready to handle the responsibilities.
“Cara has all the tools; he’s just not prepared for ‘the show’ yet,” said a WWE representative. “Cara doesn’t possess a real ‘main event’ feel to him, instead relying on flips and dives that look spectacular, but they’re moves that any kid can pick up on his trampoline out in the yard. Given Cara’s penchant for being unable to even use a trampoline correctly, it’s clear that there’s still a ways to go for him.”
McMahon feels that simply sending Sin Cara to FCW for further training would be counterproductive, as a good amount of money and promotion has been sunk into the international superstar. So, at least for now, McMahon has tasked his biggest star, John Cena, with helping mold Sin Cara into something presentably competent.
“I like Sin Cara, and I see a lot of potential for greatness in him,” said Cena. “He’s not at my level, make no mistake, but he can come close if he’s willing to learn. He’s trying too hard to be like Evan Bourne, which is a good thing to pattern yourself after, so long as you’re content being completely vanilla. It’s a one-way ticket to getting crushed by leg drops under Brodus Clay’s taint for the rest of your career. I can do planchas, but I don’t. A wrestler doing planchas and dives is like a comedian telling nothing but penis jokes. It means you bring nothing else to the table, and the fans know it.”
Despite the harsh, blunt criticism, Cena teamed with Cara this past Monday on Raw from London, and the pair defeated WWE Champion The Miz, and his lickspittle, Alex Riley.
“He’s getting better; we had a great match and he’s picking up the nuances,” Cena continued. “Right now, we’re working on whittling his move set down to about six “flair pieces”, and working on replacing those useless flips with some well-executed punches and kicks. (Randy) Orton’s had a hand in Cara’s education, demonstrating how to space out chinlocks during the match so the fans don’t think you’re being lazy.”
Cara admits that he’s struggling to learn the WWE style, but remains determined to make the most of his opportunity to perform for the sports-entertainment standard bearer.
“I never believed I could be a true main eventer, which explains why I was so content being a spot machine. I guess it’s low self-esteem on my part, which is the reason I have to tell everyone that most of my matches were shoots. It’s like “Yeah, I do those sissy flips because I can’t work a good main event, but you should see all the CMLL matches I did where I knocked somebody out legit!” I’d rather be called a liar than be seen as anything less than masculine.”
RUMOR: VINCE MCMAHON HAVING AFFAIR WITH STAMFORD SUPERCUTS EMPLOYEE
By RD Reynolds
Stamford, CT – Fans the world over were questioning why Dolph Ziggler abandoned his greasy three-dollar gigolo haircut this past Monday during Raw in favor of a very ordinary brunette crop. Others noted that this was just the latest in a long-line of perforrmers dating back to men like Test who sported unique hair styles suddenly dropping them for more standard cuts. It’s a move that’s baffled both fans and wrestlers alike for years, but one WWE Superstar thinks he has the answer as to why the changes are being made.
“Now don’t quote me on this,” offered Cody Rhodes, “but I am pretty sure that (WWE Owner) Vince (McMahon) is having an affair with one of the stylists at the local Supercuts. I was in there last week and I saw a picture of Vince on the counter of one of the girls. I thought that was weird, since most of them have shots of their kids or dogs or whatever.”
His curiosity piqued, Rhodes wanted to look into things a bit so he fabricated an elaborate plot to investigate the scene. “I told her I needed a special styling gel called “CLR” they use at BoRics. She said she had no idea what that was so I told her to go ask the other girls. I was just glad she didn’t figure out I was referring to the cleaner I use for my shower at home.”
The distraction worked perfectly, and it gave Rhodes plenty of time to examine the counter more closely. “While she was up there, I found another picture of Vince, this one autographed. It read “To Mindy – I always like getting trim from you. Vince.’ So I am pretty sure something is going on there.”
“When you think about it, that makes a lot of sense,” offered Ted DiBiase on the condition of anonymity. “I remember when I was coming in I asked Vince if I could do a feathered look. I thought it would be unique and could bring back memories to fans of my dad. Vince shook his head no and said, ‘Teddy, we need you to appeal to every man. And how better can you do it than to look like every man?’ He then took me down to accounting and introduced me to some guy named Phil and said I should try to look just like him. Apparently he was ‘every man’. That didn’t make sense to me, as I thought to stand out you needed to look different, but he is the boss so I did what he said.”
DiBiase continued: “Vince then handed me a Supercuts gift card and told me to go ask for “Mindy”. I told him that was ok and that I could pay for the hair cut myself. But he was adamant that I go see her, because they had some kind of ‘special arrangement’ worked out. I guess now we know what that arrangement was.”
Still, DiBiase sees the benefits of everyone on the roster looking exactly the same. “The post WrestleMania cuts are coming up, and I think this will make it harder for Vince to decide exactly who to let go. I mean, there’s me, Evan Bourne, Alex Riley, and now Ziggler…put us all in a row and I bet he can’t even tell us apart. That’s got to work in my favor.”
“Yeah, if I looked completely different, I’d be a lot more worried,” Rhodes added. “I bet Kofi Kingston is pissing himself right about now.”
DESTITUTE LEX LUGER SCRAPS STEEL FOREARM PLATE FOR CASH
By Justin Henry
Atlanta, GA – Times have been tough with the downturn of the American economy. With rising oil prices, skyrocketing unemployment, and no end in sight for this strife, many Americans have undertaken desperate measures to make ends meet.
Even famous professional wrestlers are struggling to stay afloat
Lawrence Pfohl, professionally known as Lex Luger, has been retired from the business for five years. In 2007, Pfohl tragically was hospitalized with a “spinal stroke”, which has limited his mobility, and has made it difficult for him to walk.
Recently, Pfohl, 52, has had a steel plate, one that was surgically implanted in his forearm in 1992, removed.
“I heard about the astronomical amounts of money that scrap metal fetches,” Pfohl said in a phone interview. “So I went ahead and scheduled surgery to have the plate removed. I’m not going to need it to bash opponents in the head with anymore. After the stroke, my body mass has decreased to the point where the plate doesn’t even do any harm anymore. There’s no muscle behind it when I swing my arm anyway.”
Pfohl’s surgery was successful, but there presented another problem.
“The doctors won’t let me have the plate until I pay for the surgery,” Pfohl explained. “I forgot that, as a wrestler, I’m completely ignorant to the concept of “health insurance”, so I’m worse off than I was before. Usually, I had WCW to pay me to sleepwalk through matches with Konnan and Big Bubba Rogers, but times have changed. Unless TNA offers me a downside of $750,000 to be a roided-up jellyfish again, I may be screwed.”
Pfohl, however, has another option for raising the money needed to pay for his surgery.
“I have the Lex Express parked out back,” said Pfohl. “I’m going to criss-cross this great nation as part of a ‘call to action’ campaign to help me get the money I need. I won’t stop until I’ve reached every nook and cranny of America to spread the word of Lex Luger and let everyone know that I am going to beat Yokozu—er, be able to pay for the surgery that I had done so that I can turn around and sell a steel plate for $125!”
Pfohl then paused, groaned, and sullenly added, “I just realized that driving that bus around is going to take a lot of gasoline, and I need money for that too! I better rethink this. Wait, do you know anyone who would buy a human liver? You can live without it, right?”