Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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JOHN CENA DECLARES POOP “NO LONGER FUNNY” AFTER COUSIN’S TYPHOID DEATH
By Justin Henry
For several years, WWE’s main event avatar, John Cena, has derived much mileage out of childish bathroom humor.
To the consternation of veteran fans, but to the amusement of younger children, Cena has traded in his once-edgy character traits for silly one-liners, playful homosexual slurs, and, most notably, remarks involving ‘poop’.
Indeed, WWE’s “Doctor of Thuganomics” has taken much delight in spewing phrases such as “poop”, “poopy”, “poopypants”, and other derivatives of such fecal-based jibes.
But now, thanks to a rather ironic family tragedy, the days of John Cena being a coprophragic comedian are now over.
Salvador Cena, the 23 year old cousin of the reigning WWE Champion, died this past Tuesday at Merrimack Valley Hospital in Haverhill, MA, of complications from typhoid fever.
The younger Cena is believed to have drank a glass of fecally-tainted water while seeing the world with a group of college friends. Only hours after returning from the final leg of the trip through Eastern Europe, Salvador collapsed, and was rushed to Merrimack, were efforts were in vain to improve his condition.
The older Cena is quite devastated, and spoke on behalf of the family.
“It just came out of nowhere, much like some of my random, writer-spun babyface rantings,” said Cena to the press on Wednesday. “I thought Sal was going to come out of it, and was just waiting for him to no-sell the pain and make his comeback, but it just wasn’t happening. Usually, us Cenas don’t go down for longer than five minutes, but this….this really opened our eyes.”
Cena has also gone on record as officially shelving those jokes which utilize human waste, or waste of any animal for that matter.
“I used to think that ‘poop’ was silly, just brown stuff that lands in the toilet and is flushed away forever,” Cena offered. “But there are far reaching consequences to what I spent years joking about. Were you aware of how much human waste is deposited into our drinking water, as well as our air, every day? Here’s a number that’ll make your face crawl: A LOT! That’s a pretty BIG number, dude. And all this time, I would make jokes about poop as if it was something funny, like clowns or Daniel Bryan fans. But I now have seen the error of my ways, and I won’t make light of it again.”
To further show his support for his cousin Salvador, Cena will appear before Congress to speak on behalf of lobbyists who wish to end the importation of produce from other countries that liberally use human waste for fertilizer.
“All the time I would eat carrots and lettuce that came from below the Equator, and I used to think “John, you talk a lot of crap and now you’re eating it!”, appreciating the irony of it. But now I see the danger that this creates, and I know it’s no laughing matter anymore. Salvador’s death will not be without redemption, and I WILL, COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, AVENGE HIS LOSS WITH NEW LEGISLATION THAT WILL MANDATE RESTRICTIONS ON WHAT PRODUCE AMERICA WILL ACCEPT, BECAUSE THE CHAMP…..IS HEAH!!!!!”
MAN THROWS ANGELINA LOVE ACROSS YARD, PROMPTLY RETURNED BY DOG
By Justin Henry
Peducah, KY – Former TNA Knockouts champion Angelina Love is currently the subject of internet chatter, due in part to her laughable storyline, wherein she is possessed by Winter and a several-hundred-year-old curse. In addition, Angelina’s rapidly dwindling figure has led to concerns that the 29-year old beauty has developed an eating disorder.
Disturbingly enough, Angelina turned up in Peducah, where Daniel Bruffort of Cedar Falls Lane, was using her as a projectile for his dog to play with.
“I just found this long twig on the side of the road, and it looked to be in decent shape,” said a confused Bruffort. “It must have weighed about ten pounds or so, and was wrapped in this cheap vinyl/fishnet combination with a ratty-looking yellow mop at the end. I honestly thought it was a dog toy. It made a funny sound, moaning what sounded like words. It appeared to have said “water” and “ducolax” several times, but I just figured I was hearing things. This couldn’t possibly be a human, look how skinny it is!”
Indeed, it was easy to see how this mistake could be made. The dog in question, a Labrador retriever named Shep, was throttling and scooping up the apparatus-looking Knockout with very little effort.
Things became complicated, when Winter, Angelina Love’s storyline master, began posting signs on neighborhood telephone poles, reading “HAVE YOU SEEN MY FAKE TITTED FREAK”, when she spotted Shep attempting to bury Angelina under a tree.
“That was very awkward, and somewhat embarrassing,” explained Bruffort. “She came running over, this pale looking woman, screaming about how we were going to kill this woman. I’m like “what woman?!?” and that’s when I noticed the stick/doll/oddly-constructed physical noun had eyes and was barely breathing. Winter managed to pull her out of the ground after Shep had her half buried, and then managed to resuscitate her. I don’t know about you, but when someone is getting oxygen pumped into them, you shouldn’t be able to see “bumps of air” pushing bits of her abdomen up.”
Bruffort tried to apologize for the honest mistake, claiming he found her lying in a gutter next to a man calling himself “Gilbertti”, and thought it would make a nice toy for his dog.
“I felt awful, because this poor woman looks like a hunger strike victim, which this Winter said is half true, because she’s protesting ‘lousy writing’ or something. And then I smelled this strong scent of piss all over the place, and I thought that Shep had relieved himself on this woman! He does that with his objects sometimes, but Winter explained that Angelina’s bronzer sometimes gives off that scent, especially when it mixes with her rotting muscle fibers. I feel bad about the whole situation.”
Winter had very little explanation as to why Angelina Love was wandering through Kentucky in the first place.
“Near as I could tell, there’s been strong storms in Florida recently. Windstorms can blow light objects up to hundreds of miles away. Maybe she fell asleep outside,” Winter offered.