Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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JEFF JARRETT SAVED CHYNA FROM SPCA ONE HOUR BEFORE EUTHANIZATION
By Justin Henry
Nashua, NH – Fans were flabbergasted to discover that Joanie Lauer, professionally known as “Chyna”, had debuted at the TNA Impact tapings recently, playing the role of Kurt Angle’s female counterpart against Jeff and Karen Jarrett.
Despite her alignment against Jarrett in this particular story arc, Lauer is actually indebted to Jarrett, her one-time WWE nemesis.
The former “Ninth Wonder of the World” was locked away at a local SPCA with other stray animals, praying for a kindly person to bring her home.
“I was wandering the streets, dirty and unkempt,” recalled Lauer. “Then this animal control truck pulls over, and the driver approaches me with a net. I don’t know what I was on at the time, but he claims I began barking at him, and frothing at the mouth. The barking I can’t explain, but the frothing is a side effect from a scientific mating ritual gone wrong. I was strapped for cash in 2008, so I agreed to let a scientist try and breed me with an Irish wolfhound. I think the doctor’s name was Mephisto?”
The animal control officer took Lauer to the SPCA, where she was registered and placed in a small cage on the salesroom floor.
“It was kind of embarrassing, especially when kids would recoil in horror at the sight of me. One little girl pointed at me and told her mother “MOMMY, GRAMMA’S STILL ALIVE!”, and I wasn’t sure how to take that, since her mom appeared to be about 40ish.”
In accordance with SPCA policy, animals not given homes within one week are euthanized. Lauer watched the days trickle by, and felt her doom may have been sealed.
“I was just trying to amuse myself by that time. I liked to scare the customers by urinating two streams at the same time. I can do that, you know. Surgery gone wrong…..or right? You tell me!”
On her final day, Lauer resigned herself to the notion that she wasn’t long for the world, as SPCA employees had began to clear out a room for her “final moments”.
“I think what was most embarrassing was the guy who chose the eyeless, three-legged, cancer-riddled Pomeranian over me. He told me he was a wrestling fan and didn’t like how I wouldn’t sell for Ivory. Well, once he chose “Darling” over me, I figured I was better off dead. I hadn’t been that humbled since Joey Buttafuoco knocked me out.”
With one hour to go, the door to the SPCA suddenly burst open, and in walked a familiar foe.
“I’d been trying to track Joanie down for months,” explained TNA founder Jeff Jarrett. “I looked everywhere: crackhouses, strip clubs, gutters, under bridges, the dumpster behind Sean Waltman’s house….nowhere! And then I saw people stapling fliers to telephone poles with her picture brandished on them, with “HAVE YOU SEEN OUR PET?”. So I tried two places; first the Chinese restaurant, and then the SPCA. Caught a lucky break, got her with an hour to go. Would’ve been two hours, but I DID stop at the Chinese place. The wontons are AMAZING!”
With Joanie now safe in Jarrett’s custody, things are looking up for the famous women’s wrestler.
“I’m incredibly humbled that Jeff cares so much. How many employers give someone a monogrammed pee-pad? This is the best year of my life!”
GENERATION ME FINISH CHORES, ARE ALLOWED TO STAY UP TO WATCH IMPACT MAIN EVENT
By RD Reynolds
Montebello, CA –In what can only be described as a true rite of passage, Max and Jeremy Buck were allowed to stay up past their normal bedtime of 9pm all the way until 11pm to see the end of last week’s TNA Impact.
“It’s something we’ve wanted to do for months, but our stupid mom always told us no,” Jeremy reported. “She kept telling us that we needed to get a good 10 hours of sleep a night if we wanted to grow up big and strong. Then she started talking about eating vegetables and fruit and stuff again. Man are we sick of hearing that! I was bummed out, but then Max had a totally awesome idea that got us what we wanted.”
Max’s idea was an age old one: if mom says no, then ask dad. Which is exactly what the two youngsters did. Max explains: “We went right up to him and said, ‘Dad, can you believe that mom said we couldn’t stay up to watch Impact?’ And he said, ‘Of course I believe it – that show is horrible.’ Then I got bummed out just like Jeremy. I mean, I didn’t fall face first on the floor and kick my feet into the carpet, so I guess I wasn’t totally like Jeremy, but you catch my drift.”
The younger Bucks weren’t the only ones unhappy. “Those kids had been screaming their heads off and driving me and their mom insane,” reported their father. “They hadn’t been this annoying since they were fighting over who go the top bunk a couple weeks ago. I wound up with this splitting headache, and I had all this stuff I had to get done around the house. I mean, the grass needed mowed. And the trash needed taken out. And the living room needed vacuumed. And the dishes needed done. I won’t lie to you – our place was starting to look like a s***hole.”
Surveying his tantrum-throwing children and his ever more dilapidated house, the elder Buck came up with an idea: have his children do those chores. “I was sick of hearing them and looking at the filth I was now living in, so I told those little brats that if they wanted to watch their stupid show, they had to do all that stuff i had been putting off. As soon as I said that, they started cleaning and mowing and doing anything that I wanted. By the time they got done, our place looked like the Taj Mahal.”
Indeed, everyone was a winner, and it looks as though it will be an ongoing protocol at the Buck household. “It’s great,” Mr. Buck beamed. “I have them doing everything for me now: washing the cars, painting the garage, cleaing up our dog’s poop, cleaning up our neighbor Bob’s dog poop…I mean stuff that I woud never even think of doing. Seriously, why would I ever clean up Bob’s dog poop? I don’t even like the guy.”
Both the younger Bucks stated it was well worth it, as they could now have their friend Red over this weekend for s’mores and a sleepover.
INDY PROMOTION TO RUN “SUPER BLOODY DEATH TOURNAMENT”, SEEKING REC CENTER TO HOST IT
By Justin Henry
Kalamazoo, MI – Orgy of Malicious Death Wrestling, or OMDW, has been making quite a name for themselves as a burgeoning wrestling promotion with their take-no-prisoners ‘hardcore’ style, and their lack of regard for human life.
The company’s owner, Dr. Menstrual, has announced an eight man “Super Bloody Death Tournament” for Saturday, July 9 here in Kalamazoo, and are currently looking for a venue to house the, as they call it, “night of spine shattering, brain splattering, visceral ripping mayhem”.
“We’re currently looking at rec centers, but there’s an agricultural hall that we’re considering,” said Dr. Menstrual, who, without his Juggalo make-up and silk top hat, is actually Jerry Remderfer, a teller at Bank of America. “We’re really hoping to get the Youth Convocation Center, which is a nice place with really friendly cafeteria ladies. I don’t know if Sister Roberta still helps out there, but her chicken pot pie is amazing, it really is.”
The tournament will feature such carnage as the “Barbed Wire Disembowelment Challenge”, and the “Lava Lamp Enema Deathmatch”.
Last year’s winner/survivor, Zombie Mailman, is expected to defend his crown.
“I’m really looking forward to winning the tournament yet again,” said Darren Nifongsky, a cashier at Lowe’s who plays Zombie Mailman. “I’ve already put in two personal days for that weekend, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday so that I can recover. Last year, thanks to Corky the Date Rapist, I had to work for three weeks with ninja star wounds in my forehead. Hopefully, I can avoid a similar humiliation this year.”
Last year’s venue, the Kalamazoo County Women’s Shelter, reacted quite poorly to the event, in its fourth incarnation.
“It was crazy. Sure, the audience was about 400 people, maybe 275 were women, and I figured this would be a good year to let our top female wrestler, Petra Cide, compete,” explains Dr. Menstrual. “Well, she was inexperienced, so it was important to eliminate her from round one. Unfortunately, she was facing Joe Slowski, a legit mental patient, in the “Really F’N Sharp Scissors Death Match”. Slowski won in about four minutes with the “Paper Doll” cutter, which was quite messy. The match may have been four minutes, but the aftermath was about fifteen. Especially figuring out which arm of Petra’s was which.”
And for the predominantly female audience?
“You’ve never HEARD such screaming!”
Dr. Menstrual is also trying to get the tournament’s inaugural winner, Fawk Yu Tu, to compete, but is having difficulty.
“When Fawk won in 2007, he was just a twenty year old college student that needed the money. Now, he’s 24, graduated from Michigan State, and now attempting to earn his MBA in business. I feel for the guy. One day, you’re pretending to be an Asian porn star that shoots turkey basters full of pudding at the audience, and bleeding all over a dimly lit school gym. The next day, you’re sitting in some classroom, trying to memorize a bunch of business terms and ethics. Life sucks as you get older. It’s no fun.”