Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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JEFF HARDY RETIRES FROM WRESTLING TO BECOME SANDWICH ARTIST
By RD Reynolds and Justin Henry
Vaas, NC – Visitors to Subway #19401 located inside the Hudson’s Food Mart were in for a shock this week as former WWE/TNA Champion Jeff Hardy was there to take their order.
Hardy, 33, was last seen in professional wrestling as part of TNA’s Victory Road PPV in which he lost to Sting in a bizarre match that lasted less than 90 seconds. The encounter, which featured mostly stalling and very little actual wrestling, had many fans questioning if Hardy was actually under the influence of some type of illicit – and perhaps illegal – substance.
Hardy was quick to refute these claims during his allotted 15 minute break. “No, man, it wasn’t like that at all,” Hardy stated. “I mean I’ve done that in the past, sure. In fact I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve done that in TNA. Actually, I may have done it that night. But no, man I just had my mind on other things at that show. I just wanted to get home to work on my art. Which is why I did the drugs. They were purple. But yes, let’s talk art.”
Shockingly, however, it wasn’t the usual painting or music that had Hardy pre-occupied, but rather his latest passion. “Sandwich art, man, sandwich art. I love it. It gives me all kinds of creative options and I get feedback from the public like immediately. People may mock me for working at Subway, but I don’t care – it’s awesome, man. The sauces are now my paints, and the bun is now my canvas. And I can make a really good paper mache out of flatbread and clam chowder. So I don’t care if people make fun of me for working here. Besides, it pays really well. I’m getting Shane Helms’ part time hours since he’s off commit–er, fighting crime. He’s a superhero, ya know.”
Patrons remain unconvinced of Hardy’s abilities. “I came in and ordered my usual: a footlong tuna on the wheat with lettuce, onions, tomatoes, and provolone,” said Earl Campana, a local construction worker. “The glassy-eyed goofball behind the counter there started making a meatball sub. I was like, ‘What the hell are you doing? That’s not what I ordered!’ But he just kept looking at me and saying, ‘No man, this will be way better. Trust me, man. Trust me.’ The dude looked stoned out of his skull.”
The strangeness didn’t end there noted Campana. “First of all, he put it on honey oat bread which sounded kinda gross to me. I don’t generally associate meatballs with oats. Or honey for that matter. Then he sprayed it with red wine vinagerette and something out of a little baggie he had in his pants. I’That’s my own special ingredient, man,’ he said. Then he laughed for like two minutes. I have no idea what that was about. Finally, he crumbled a white chocolate macadamia cookie on top. It looked horrible. But the guy kept saying, ‘It’ll be great, man, you’ll like it.’
Hardy then attempted to stick the “project” in the toaster oven (“He called it a ‘kiln’,” noted Campana), which he was specifically asked not to do. After setting the timer to 1:28 (“Anything more and it would have been a disaster,” explains Hardy), Campana began screaming at Hardy to not waste his valuable break time meal.
“As I raised a holler, this Animaniac-looking freak stumbles over the counter and tries to fight me! I say “tries” because he left off the table and did this flippy thing, but missed by about four feet. I hook him in a headlock, and he starts whispering something like “reverse, charge, dropkick”, which I assume is code for something, probably drug-related. So I knee him in the abdomen and that shut him up.”
Hardy was saddened by Campana’s actions. “It sucks, man. Some people just don’t appreciate art. I just wish his kneelift hadn’t crushed my pop rocks”
Hardy faces a termination hearing, which was supposed to be held Wednesday, but was granted a continuance for one month from now.
LANCE STORM CRITICIZES OWN REALITY SHOW ON HIS WEBSITE’S BLOG ROLL
By Justin Henry
Calgary……..AB, Canada – Accomplished wrestler Lance Storm is many things. He’s a mat technician like no other. He’s a reputable trainer of aspiring young wrestlers. He’s open and honest, if dry, but will never sugarcoat his take on a variety of topics.
The last sentence is especially true when it comes to modern wrestling television. Programming of both WWE and TNA have been victimized by Storm’s unambiguous barbs, as he’s written many a criticism about TNA’s horrid booking, as well as WWE’s lack of a quality in-ring product.
As a wrestling trainer, Storm runs the Storm Wrestling Academy, and recently signed on to do a ten-part reality series on Canadian TV called “World of Hurt”, highlighting the determined struggles of ten of Storm’s trainees.
One problem: even Storm thinks his show is lousy.
And he ain’t hiding it.
“I can’t believe that a cable channel would waste such time on this CRAP,” seethed Storm, via his commentary on stormwrestling.com. “I decided to watch because it’s like “Okay, Lance, you can’t live your life just hating every wrestling program, and then write about it all the time, because then people are going to wonder if you’re a crazed shut-in with dead bodies in the cellar. So I give “World of Hurt” a chance, and it’s like, WHAT THE HELL. It’s bad enough that TNA tries to rip off WWE piece by piece, but this show is a total knockoff of Tough Enough! What happened to originality?!?!”
Storm wasn’t done laying knees into the ribcage of the television show in which he stars.
“Then you have these ten kids, THAT’S RIGHT KIDS, who get to be on a national TV program when there are PLENTY of talented wrestlers struggling to get $20 CDN to bump around an athletic hall with no real exposure! It’s downright insulting that these TV-friendly, wet-behind-the-ears kids are given opportunities on a silver platter! In my day, I had to break my back in Japan and Canada with nothing to break my falls except a strong back and a hideous blond rat-tail! I was a better man for it!!!”
Later in the day, a fan e-mailed Lance to ask if he realizes the irony of criticizing something that he had a hand in putting together. Storm, never one to miss an opportunity to demonstrate blunt annoyance, was quick to respond.
“Well, I’m sorry if I came off as curt in my remarks, but we as fans have tolerated subpar wrestling on our TVs for far too long. After this week’s episode, I was so angry, I nearly chucked my damn remote at the screen! It’s insulting to you and I, the dedicated fans, that they think we’ll actually buy into their vision of what wrestling “should be”! I’m so mad, I can’t even fathom watching next week’s episode, because I’m going to just get pissed off again, but I’m probably going to, because I need holier-than-thou fodder for this site!”
Lance Storm also added that, while his wrestling school is responsible for his angry diatribes, he will not be lowering the admission fees.