JACK TUNNEY FAKED DEATH, WILL BE REVEALED AS ANONYMOUS RAW GM
By Justin Henry
Toronto, ON – Despite reports that he had died in January 2004 of natural causes, Jack Tunney, once the “esteemed President” of the World Wrestling Federation, is apparently alive and well.
Tunney, now 75, admitted that he faked his death amid constant rumors of his re-emergence in professional wrestling, as at one time, he was the sport’s most prolific administrator.
“Unequivocally, I am not dead, nor have I ever been,” Tunney told an assembled group of reporters at a small press conference. “Furthermore, it was my decision that, with WWE and TNA being in states of disgrace with constant changing of figureheads and authority figures, as well as tawdry, tasteless products, that I fake my own death in an effort to avoid the endless offers to come in and serve as fixer.”
Tunney apparently resurfaced publically in the last several weeks, alarming the local Toronto suburb that he resides in, as many of the locals had not seen him since his 2004 ‘demise’.
“I decided, after much soul searching and scrutiny, and was self prodded by my realization that buying soup at the store is easier than ordering it, to return from my exile. Furthermore, the delivery charge for the soup I like has gone up two dollars. I have not saved enough money to further pursue my love of delivered soup, nor did I collect any pension from my time working for the WWF. Therefore, it is my decision that I return to my active state, and rejoin the WWF, now known as WWE.”
Tunney then dropped a bombshell that will, no doubt, send wrestling fans everywhere into a tizzy.
“After my return from self-exclusion, I inquired to Vince McMahon, the commentator I used to oversee that also employed me, about returning to my old post as WWE President. He explained that the position was no longer active, but I could return to fill the role of Raw’s General Manager, currently held by a laptop computer that is read by an unseemly man that resembles Ben Linus from LOST. LOST was my favorite television program during my “dead time”. I proudly accepted this role, and I will resume my duties as the staunch authoritarian of WWE, so long as I can once again rule from an office that looks like it is inside a television studio.”
Tunney concluded by noting that his first act as Raw’s General Manager will be to make sure that reptiles are still banned from ringside.
SON OF TNA’S ABYSS “BLADES” DURING SCHOOL PLAY TO KEEP CROWD INTERESTED
By Justin Henry
Cleveland, OH – A production of Canterbury Tales, as performed by the juniors and seniors at Collinwood High School in Cleveland, went from ‘light-hearted and silly’ to ‘senselessly and needlessly gory’ at the drop of a hat, thanks to one performer.
Garrett Parks, a junior, was playing the role of the miller, and was to keep the crowd entertained with tawdry jokes between scenes.
However, nothing could be more offensive than what he did to garner the crowd’s undivided attention.
“He produced a small razor and proceeded to gash open his forehead” said biology teacher Lewis Comblest. “It wasn’t even necessary, nor in context with what he was doing. It was almost as if he cut himself just because he didn’t know what to do next.”
The theatergoers shrieked and watched in astonishment as Parks, 17, then deposited a few handfuls of thumbtacks onto the stage, and motioned that he was going to jump onto them, but was thankfully stopped by several classmates.
Parks is the son of Chris Parks, a Cleveland resident, as well as professional wrestler for Total Nonstop Action under the name “Abyss”.
Though nearly everyone in the theater was horrified by the gruesome spectacle, Parks’ father offered a different perspective.
“Look, I know it’s a bit arcane, but you need to make sure that people are going to be watching” Parks rationalized. “At another school, across town, there was a bigger audience with better production and more talented performers. Collinwood has none of that, so in order to draw people, I figure my kid should hit the waterworks and sever an artery. Got your attention, didn’t it?”
Parks makes no apologies for his son’s actions, and indicated that he would be auditioning for the drama club’s spring-time production of Guys and Dolls.
AREA HOTTIES TO ATTEND NWA FANFEST, MESS WITH HOPELESS VIRGINS
By Justin Henry
Atlanta, GA – In preparation for the NWA Legends Fanfest that will take place in August of this year, local hottie Ariel Curntazi has announced that she will attend the convention, in the hopes of breaking the hearts of the homely and awkward attendees
The 24-year old Bennigans server has no interest at all in professional wrestling, let alone its rich history, but is known for her sadistic sense of humor, and lack of compassion.
“Umm, yah, those wrestling fan boys are, like, totally creepy,” said Curntazi during her 8 PM to 2 AM shift at Bennigans. “A bunch of them came in here last year, all stinky and sweaty, and they were just about on the verge of blowing their wad! One guy had a t-shirt with all of these autographs, another had on some Mexican mask, all of them were overweight. It’s like, uh, hello, I don’t care if some sixty year old fake athlete signed your shirt; I don’t wanna date you!”
Curntazi has already requested off of work for Saturday, August 6, and plans to bring her equally hot BFF, co-worker Mandy Shardose, to the Fanfest with the sole intent of blue-balling the creepers on hand.
“I can’t speak for Mandy, but I’m bringing mace, in case they get too close. Otherwise, I’m going to pretend to be interested in their stories about their wrestling heroes and, after I get bored, I’m going to pull out cell phone pictures of my boyfriend and I kissing. The looks on their faces are usually enough to validate my petty existence.”
Shardose, who worked the 2010 Fanfest as a “booth model”, echoes Curntazi’s sentiments, and seems just as eager to embarrass the diehard wrestling fans.
“For the first hour I was there, those slobs kept posing for pictures with me while trying to cop a feel. Then some nice, good-looking guy came up to me and handed me a note. I read it aloud: “Ricky Steamboat could never beat John Cena”. You should have seen those geeks stammering! I had a good time.”