IRS CASHES IN MONEY IN THE BANK BRIEFCASE FROM 1991, BEATS JOHN CENA FOR WWE TITLE
By Justin Henry
Sydney, Australia – CM Punk, move over. Your soul-baring speech from Monday Night Raw has been dethroned as the most newsworthy wrestling story of the week.
WWE Champion John Cena was scheduled to defend his gold against R-Truth, and R-Truth alone at the Acer Arena in Sydney. As the fans were hoping, Cena valiantly retained his title after fifteen minutes of grueling back and forth action, felling Truth with the Attitude Adjustment.
But as Cena lay on the canvas, spent and worn, his trademark rap theme came to a screeching halt.
In its place, the generic sound of typewriter keys being pecked, followed by a shrill “DING”, and then repeated, blared over the sound system.
Cena watched in horror and apprehension, as Irwin R. Schyster came sprinting to the ring, briefcase in hand. The taxman slid the case to the referee, and demanded the bell rung.
The match, as it was, was short. Cena barely kicked out of one Write-Off, but was no match for the second as Irwin R. Schyster successfully cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase to become WWE Champion for the first time ever.
Despite the achievement, the 53 year old collegiate standout from Syracuse was no more friendly than usual during his post-match interview.
“Let me tell you something, you boomerang-chucking tax cheat,” began Schyster, with victory sweat staining his suspenders. “For twenty years, I held onto that briefcase, waiting for the opportune time to strike and take what’s deservedly mine! And John Cena, a man who gives away merchandise to children, forcing them to believe that you can always get things for free in life, was the perfect sitting duck for me to make pay, and pay dearly!”
Schyster won the Money in the Bank briefcase on June 15, 1991, at a Madison Square Garden show that was untelevised. In it, he defeated Bret Hart, Davey Boy Smith, Ted Dibiase, Big Bossman, and Mr. Perfect to claim the briefcase, and the entitlement for a WWE Championship match.
“The fine print stated that I only had a year to cash it in, unless there were extenuating circumstances,” IRS explained. “Let’s just say that walking into Vince’s office where he and Pat Patterson were, with a Polaroid camera in hand, was tremendously good timing.”
Cena remains undeterred that he’ll get his title back, since that happens always anyway, but admits that IRS will be a tough challenge.
“I’m in shock right now,” said a shocked, shocked Cena. “But I’ll have my revenge. I figure I can win in about 12 minutes after I shake off about 6 minutes of his offense and forget that my leg’s supposed to be hurt. Wait, you’re not recording my inner monologue, are you?”
Schyster doesn’t plan to celebrate long, as the life of a WWE Champion is never easy.
“First things first, I’m calling Alexandra York, and telling her where she can stick her printouts! And if she doesn’t like my newfound success, well she better get with the progrem!”
RUFUS DETWILER, MAN WHO PLAYED ‘ORIGINAL’ SCOTT STEINER, DEAD AT 46
By Justin Henry
Lusk, WY – Rufus Detwiler, former state wrestling champion, as well as an ex-professional wrestler, has died this past Monday at the age of 46.
Detwiler had been in poor health for some time, battling Hodgkin’s lymphoma since 2005.
Detwiler is perhaps best known for his portrayal of wrestler Scott Steiner from 1986 to 1998, before a shoulder injury forced him into retirement. Since then, bodybuilder Tom Franklin of Cincinnati has taken over the role.
Detwiler marveled fans around the world with his vast array of suplexes and throws, but most of all with his freakishly dazzling finishing move, the Frankensteiner.
Detwiler’s peers are devastated.
“’Rufe’ was a good man, a kind soul, and his athletic prowess inspired us all,” said Tom Zenk, who worked with Detwiler in World Championship Wrestling. “He gave it his all every single night, no matter who he was facing, and it always looked real. I know by the end he was having shoulder issues, and that shortened his career, but I’m sure he had no regrets.”
“Rufus always had a smile on his face, and a one liner to offer,” said Butch Reed, who faced Detwiler in a series of tag team matches. “The locker room was always a looser place when he was around, and it’s a sad turn of events to have lost him.”
Some have noted that Detwiler, unlike Franklin, the second Scott Steiner, seemed to play the role more seriously, and didn’t rely so much on appearance and humor to remain popular.
“I think (Tom) Franklin is a clown,” said Harley Race, a widely respected Hall of Famer, and eight time former World Champion. “Rufus was a skilled athlete that could have excelled at track, wrestling, and possibly modern mixed martial arts. Tommy, however, wouldn’t grow the black mullet, thinking it wasn’t ‘cool’ enough, so he went with the short surfer-trim look. Then he jacked his body up to disproportionate size, and that was his excuse as to why he wouldn’t do the Frankensteiner. What a (pansy). I always hated that (chicken slurper), and I wish it had been he that (sex, present tense) died.”
The question remains: why not retire the Scott Steiner persona on the heels of Detwiler’s retirement?
“I don’t why WCW did that, because it seems like it was the right thing to do,” said Kevin Sullivan, former wrestler and, at the time, lead booker. “Then I remembered I was running the place, so it’s probably my fault. I guess. Everything after 1981 is kind of a haze. Did I ever work with Beefcake? Someone swears I did.”
Detwiler left a legacy of achievement in sport that will continue to inspire, long after his recent passing.
“Somewhere, Rufus is looking down on Rick Steiner, and he’s probably let him know that the hatchet can be buried,” said Doug Hagerty, the second man to play The Ultimate Warrior, as well as the cuter Jumping Bomb Angel. “Bygones are bygones, and somewhere, one day, Rick and Rufus will beat up unassuming Japanese wrestlers again.”