Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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HULK HOGAN FINALLY CRUMPLES MOAMMAR GHADDAFI AFTER 26-YEAR SEARCH
By Justin Henry
Sirte, Libya – There has been much rejoicing throughout Libya, as well as across the globe, after news broke of the assassination of longtime Libyan autocratic ruler Moammar Gaddafi on Thursday morning.
The sixty-nine year old Gaddafi was believed to have been shot in both legs, as well as sustaining a fatal wound above the left eye. However, news is still filing out as minutes and hours pass, so information listed here may not be up to date.
However, one thing is for certain: the man responsible for bringing Gaddafi to justice will soon be lauded the world over for his execution of the controversial dictator.
Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea, fifty eight, of Tampa, Florida, has claimed responsibility for the death of one of the most infamous, ruthless heads of state that the world has ever seen. The professional wrestling star spoke openly about the ordeal of travelling to Libya with one goal in mind: end Gaddafi’s life.
“Well ya know something, Associated Press?!?!,” Hogan began, in his trademark bellowing bravado. “I looked into the eyes of the Little Hulksters, and I realized that I had to stand up for the good ol’ US of A, brother! I knew that Moammar Gaddafi is one bad hombre, duuuuude! And what he represents, the despicable acts that he’s perpetrated for his own gain, and I knew that I had to do something about it! This uprising in Libya, man, it’s inspired The Hulkster to bring his twenty-four inch pythons across the Atlantic Ocean to see just what could done, brother!”
Indeed, what could be done by just one apparently mortal man?
“I arrived on the shores of Tripoli, dude, after swimming half the night from Tampa, and once on shore, I went looking for this big, nasty, stinky, wart-infested Gaddafi, and I asked the people around me in their lovely bathrobes and adorable hats and I asked “WHERE IS GADDAFI?” and they pointed to this big hut-like thing, man! I had the power of Hulkamania flowing through my veins, as well as the millions of Hulkamaniacs backing me up, so I stormed this massive structure!”
With wide eyes, and mouths agape, we asked what happened next.
“Sure enough, I knocked on the door and I yelled “COME OUT GADDAFI!” and I heard a little weaselly voice say “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin, dude!” So I picked up the evil wigwam, brother, and I bodyslammed it all the way into the Mediterranean Sea, brother! Then I tore like heck across the country side, took a running leap, jumped 7000 feet into the air, and I leg dropped Gaddafi right where he lay, brother! Then those natives, with their awesome costumes, they played “Real American” on their funny-sounding flute things, and Hulkamania was reborn! And after Donald Trump, who was in that hut, dog-paddled his way to safety, I said to him, “Donald, you’re right! The first woman you marry is a useless fish-smell in a dress, brother!”
It should be noted that not once in the interview did Hulk Hogan mention TNA, his current employer.