Headlies: Haku Wins Tough Enough

8 Submitted by on Mon, 31 August 2015, 08:00


Tampa, FL – WWE shocked the wrestling world by announcing the winner of Tough Enough was none other than former WWE and WCW wrestler Haku.

The shocking announcement came during the live debut of this season’s contract winners Josh and Sara Lee. As Triple H and Stephanie McMahon praised both competitors, a ruckus came from the crowd.

Haku, a former WWF tag team champion and legendary tough guy, made his way to the ring dragging Tough Enough runner-up ZZ. Haku, once also known as King Haku, tossed ZZ into the ring and grabbed the microphone from Triple H.

“You think you’re tough enough, brother?” said the gruff Haku, pointing to Josh. “Are you tough enough for this?” Haku then gave several vicious slaps and chops to ZZ, leaving large welts all over his ample mid-section.

Josh’s mouth hung open as he looked on in horror as Haku bashed ZZ’s head with multiple elbows. Josh looked to Stephanie and Triple H for help, but his gaze was only met with the same uncontrollable fear. He looked to the announce team only to find Michael Cole cowering under the desk, JBL hiding behind Lillian Garcia, and Byron Saxton covered in urine, most of it his own.

“You give me that contract, brother,” Haku quietly demanded. He then growled as Sara Lee who also handed over her contract.

“Now I want all of you in the back to come out here and sing me ‘Happy Birthday’ to me.” he commanded.

The locker room quickly emptied with every Superstar, Diva, agent, and member of the production crew gathered on to the stage. A nervous Vince McMahon himself led the group in a rousing rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ despite it not actually being Haku’s birthday.

Officials have stated that there are already plans to create a new King Haku action figure which will definitely, 100% include a crown this time.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
8 Responses to "Headlies: Haku Wins Tough Enough"
  1. John C says:

    Haku then bit off The Miz’s nose and walked away laughing saying, ‘Smell you later.” He then instructed everyone to laugh as he left the building.

  2. Raven7309 says:

    Why Haku isn’t in the WWE HOF yet is a mystery for the ages.

  3. Thomas Moffatt says:

    His next appearance saw him prove his toughness by sitting in the back during the entire Smackdown! taping watching “The Chaperone” starring Triple H without complaining once.

    A number of younger stars were mesmerised by his display of intestinal fortitude.

    He plans to confront Nipple H live on next week’s RAW where he intends to call her boring and annoying without any repercussions.

  4. JustAGuyGuy says:

    TO HAKU!!!

  5. CP says:

    I love it when Headlies are actually plausible.

  6. Handsome B. Wonderful says:

    Anyone else lose it over the thought of Haku beating the crap out of ZZ? It’d remind me of Beavis and Butthead when the bear mauled Mr Van Dreissen.

  7. Caveman says:

    So who signed the male contract and who the Divas one? I’m sure Total Divas fans would really like to know whether Haku or Meng will be the centerfold of that show next season!

  8. Pérez84 says:

    Haku also “convinced” 2k to include him on the upcoming WWE 2K16 game.

    As the final boss in the Stone Cold Steve Austin showcase.

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