Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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EXECUTIVE BEHIND WWE NETWORK FAILS WELLNESS TEST
By Justin Henry
Stamford, CT – Barrington Harris, a forty-seven year old marketing executive for World Wrestling Entertainment, has failed the company’s stringently-enforced drug test, according to sources.
Harris, the executive who pushed for WWE Network, as well as the idea of it broadcasting Royal Rumble, WrestleMania, SummerSlam, and Survivor Series for free, as opposed to collecting money on what is a time tested revenue stream, as well as pushing the medium without the guarantee that all likely PPV purchasers will pick it up as part of their cable package, tested positive for a number of mind-altering, psychedelic drugs last week.
“Believe it or not, we didn’t see it coming,” said an unnamed source.
Although the specifics of Harris’ failed test have not been made available to the public, sources believe that LSD, battery acid, white-out fumes, keyboard cleaner, “whippits”, and “three and a half cans of barely-inflated silly string” were the cause of Harris’ test breach.
“I also saw him sniffing the paint off of Johnny Ace’s novelty skateboard,” added the source. “Someone joked that he might also be sniffing fumes from Ace’s boots off of it, but then we remembered that Ace never actually rode the damn thing.”
Harris has been lauded for several “genius” decisions, such as “Let’s push CM Punk because the fans like him”, “Let’s put Zack Ryder on TV because the fans on the internet demand it”, “Let’s stop pushing Drew McIntyre because the only interest he creates is in food at the vendor’s stands on the arena concourse, resulting in mass fan exodus”, and “Hey, why are we bringing in guest hosts that don’t sell PPVs?”, but other decisions that Harris has made have apparently been made under some kind of demonic influence.
Perhaps an inhalant one.
“Mr. Harris is a smart man, but can you believe he once recommended that we announce wrestler’s weights using the metric system?” claimed the source. “He said this would get us more over in England, and allow King Henry VIII, frozen in carbonite, to come to life and bestow the crown jewels unto William Regal? We had to hold him down and perform and emergency exorcism. I’d never done one before, but it was fun, I guess.”
More recently, Harris’ plans for WWE Network have resulted in the company recommending that he take an immediate drug test.
“Vince McMahon was the only one interested in Harris’ ideas, since one of them involved a WBF revival,” the source said. “Then Harris said that one show should be nothing but Tyler Reks and Ezekiel Jackson licking maple syrup off each other’s chests and abdomens, and Vince was practically beating off under the table. Hell, a shaky Kevin Dunn excused himself to the janitorial closet for five minutes. Then Harris was like, “We need a show where Daniel Bryan and CM Punk teach fans the basics of wrestling, and then Vince froze. Then Vince yelled, “GET THAT MAN TO THE COMPANY CLINIC AND DON’T STOP UNTIL HE PISSES IN THE CUP!”
Harris is expected back in less than thirty days. His role is currently being filled by a Peewee Herman pull-string doll.
SHOCKER: TED DIBIASE’S REAL FATHER REVEALED AS KEN PATERA
By Justin Henry
Tampa, FL – A bombshell has been unleashed in the world of professional wrestling, as a member of a famed wrestling family has been revealed as an unknowing hoax.
WWE Superstar Ted Dibiase, once believed to be the son of Hall of Famer Ted Dibiase, Sr (“The Million Dollar Man”), has found out via paternity test that his real father is former wrestler and Olympian Ken Patera.
The truth came out this week, as apparently for months, Dibiase, Sr attempted to convince his adopted son that Patera was his real father, with the younger Dibiase refusing to believe him.
“World Wrestling Entertainment became suspicious when they realized that my son has zero personality,” said Dibiase, Sr in a telephone interview. “They were expecting him to have my one-in-a-million, grandiose bellowing and pristine wordsmithery, but he doesn’t. In fact, he’s like a Pet Rock in short tights. I mean, I love him, and I taught him how to read, but he’s about as unspectacular as cleaning an ice cube tray.”
Dibiase, Jr, whose birthname as been revealed as Fredo Carnivale Patera, was adopted by the Dibiases in 1984, while Ken Patera was facing charges of breaking and entering. Kind hearted and benevolent, Ted and his wife Melanie took in Fredo. Fredo’s mother’s whereabouts are unknown, as she’s believed to been a drug-addled groupie at weight lifting competitions.
“She and Bobby Heenan conspired to send me down the river!” yelled Patera. “I do not condone nor agree with the methods in which they condoned sending me—wait, can we start over again? This live TV stuff isn’t my thing.”
Suspicions further arose when a group of WWE Superstars asked Ted/Fredo to imitate Dibiase, Sr’s famed deep laughter, used to punctuate his statements and threats.
“It was awkward. He couldn’t have come off as more robotic and mechanical unless a pair of D batteries fell out of his ass,” said Christian.
Added Daniel Bryan, “When we’d pile into the rental car after events in search of dinner, we’d pass a McDonalds and he’d yell “STOP HERE!” Me, Wade (Barrett) or Stephen (Sheamus) would say “They’re closed” and he’d say “THE HELL IT IS!” He carried that giant boulder EVERYWHERE, man! We started thinking his bloodline might be a little, as the kids say, f—ed up.”
Once WWE got wind of Dibiase, Jr’s unusual behavior, Dibiase, Sr was confronted, and thus came the long, drawn out process of explaining to Fredo the truth.
“He didn’t want to believe it, and who can blame him?” lamented Dibiase. “You have a chance to be my son and say you’re the son of a beloved wrestler. Instead, now he has to be the son of a 70 year old weightlifter with the verbal skills of a mime with a stroke.”
Fredo Patera, as he is, still refuses to acknowledge the truth, even though his adoptive father hopes that he will.
“I realize he still wants to be my son, but I have three healthy boys: Mike, Brett, and my illegitimate son from my early wrestling days, Phillip Brooks Dibiase. Wait….I’ve said too much, ignore that.”