Nashville, TN – TNA President Dixie Carter has assured fans that everything it totally, 100% fine.
From her corner office in the back of a nearly empty warehouse now known as TNA Impact Wrestling World Headquarters, Carter took the time out of her busy schedule to assuage any concerns that TNA fans might have as to the future of the company.
“We’ve been through some tough times, but I think we can all agree that TNA is a company made of fighters,” said Carter, who appeared to have been awake for several days. “Sure we’ve lost Spike TV, Destination America, lost a ratings war that WWE didn’t even know they were in, were grifted by a bunch of old wrestlers, and are currently being sued, but we’ll bounce back!”
A single, bare light bulb buzzed loudly over her head as she continued.
“Now, we may not be the bell of the ball right now, but there are plenty of eligible fans out there looking for a wrestling company like it’s the last 10 minutes of prom and they have to win that bet they have with the rest of their buddies,” chuckled Carter, her laughter echoing in the cavernous warehouse.
Carter then slammed her shoe against the desk, killing a cockroach.
“Think that’s the last of them?” she asked Rockstar Spud who was using an empty milk crate as a chair and desk.
“I’m cold and hungry,” said Spud quietly to himself.
“I’d say that TNA’s financial outlook is downright robust. Rich! Robust! Zesty! Only 5 grams of fat per serving!” said Carter clearly reading words from an empty bag of Sun Chips on her desk. “Heck, my phone is ringing off the hook with potential investors and buyers.”
Carter pointed to her “phone” which was just a sheet of notebook paper with numbers written on it.
“PopTV has been downright peachy keen and I cannot legally say how I feel about Billy Corgan so I’ll just give him a big old thumbs up! Everything is fine! Totally fine!”
A knock came a Carter’s office door. Three men sporting Darsow’s Repo hats appeared in the office.
“Sorry, ma’am. You’re three months late on your payment. We have to take it.” said one of the men.
“No! Please don’t! There’s an X Division title shot in it for you if you just let me keep it a few more weeks.” pleaded Carter.
“Sorry, no can do,” said the man as the two other workers picked up Rockstar Spud and carried him out of the office.
Carter sat in complete silence for several minutes. Suddenly, she perked up and flashed a bright smile.
“That’s alright, sugar,” said Carter as she got up from her desk and pulled out a container of gasoline.
Carter whistled “Sunshine Lollipops And Rainbows” by Lesley Gore as she splashed the fuel across her desk and piles of paperwork.
“TNA is doing better than ever!” shouted Carter as she lit a match before running out of the warehouse.