Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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EVAN BOURNE TAKES AJ TO SEE “SMURFS 3D”, RESISTS URGE TO HOLD HER HAND
By Justin Henry
Los Angeles, CA – WWE superstar/alleged adult Evan Bourne recently took in a screening of “The Smurfs: 3D”, and the the boyish-looking male waif wasn’t alone.
WWE Diva AJ, known for her youthful appearance, nerdy disposition, and gushing smile that’s often found in the daydreams of GameStop employees and fat, ostracized redheads, was Bourne’s “date” for the evening, whether either of them accept that as her label or not.
After a hearty dinner at Golden Corral, in which Evan and AJ discussed such romantic topics as smart-phone applications and their favorite Supernatural characters over lukewarm shrimp, it was off to Arclight on Sunset Blvd for the 4:55 showing of Smurfs.
“I wanted to have her home early, because I don’t think her dad likes me,” explained a sweaty Evan. “Besides, if the movie’s not that good, we can always watch TV with her parents afterward.”
As for the movie, it wasn’t too bad, the (sort-of) couple claims.
“Dolph said it was bad, but Zack wouldn’t stop recommending it,” said a smiling AJ. “So we took Zack’s word, since millions of people on the internet do, and people on the internet are my friends, and that many friends can’t all be wrong, right? Right?”
During the film, both Evan and AJ are reported to have reached inside the jumbo tub of buttered popcorn at the same time, causing their fingers to briefly touch. AJ flashed a coy, blushing smile, while Evan emitted a stifled laugh, which is still more natural and relaxed than any promo that’s ever been written for him.
Both quickly turned their heads back to the screen, and endured the remainder of the decidedly inane, but affable, movie.
“I didn’t want to create a scene by holding her hand, because it might still be a little early for that,” Evan stammered, his green shirt matted with enough sweat and oil to fill seven Big Macs. “I don’t even know if she likes me “like that”, you know? She’s a very pretty girl, but it’s too soon. Maybe if she agrees to come over and play Super Smash Brothers Brawl, we’ll see where things go, but I just don’t want to blow this.”
Interviewed separately, AJ smiled yet again, and admitted that she might have a crush on Evan.
“He just needs to be himself, because he’s a great guy,” cooed AJ. “He held the door open for me at the theater and his car, which is sweet, but offering to cut the tails off my shrimp for me is a bit excessive. But he did write me a poem, and it was beautiful! Something like “Roses are red, but violets are best. I wanna spread your legs and give you a real Shooting Star Press!” I laughed!
Evan, however, insists he did not write that poem.
“That was that scalawag troublemaker Sheamus. He taped that note to her locker. He also wrote “BOURNEY IS HORNY” on the wall in marker. Jerk.”
Sheamus does not deny having done either of these pranks.
“I try saying to Evan that “fella” is just 2/3 of the way to “fellate”. If heh needs lessons on how to satisfy de lass, Big Red’ll show em. If heh puts de Wii controller down long enough, that is.”
STAUNCH OLD-SCHOOL FAN TAPES SUMMERSLAM ON SUNDAY, WON’T WATCH IT TIL LAST MONDAY OF THE MONTH
By Justin Henry
Gary, IN – It’s still real for one fan, a longtime wrestling fan to be exact.
Michael Brasnel, a 32 year old pharmacy employee, has been watching World Wrestling Entertainment since 1987, and is such a devoted fan to the “old ways” of the business, that he simply refuses to accept even the most minor alterations to the product.
“Wrestling was just fine up until 1997 when Stone Cold started flipping people off. So I just started editing his segments, as well as anything too “new” out of my Raw tapes,” Brasnel explained. “One week, I was just left with Jake Roberts’ face in the opening video, three shots of Vince at ringside, and a scene of Mr. Perfect standing at ringside. I guess I’m what you’d call a connoisseur.”
While Brasnel’s tastes have matured, he has accepted that new stars must be made to replace older, fading stars.
However, that has not stopped him from upholding other wrestling traditions that WWE has long since moved past.
Beginning in 1995, Summerslam moved to Sundays after its first seven shows aired on Mondays, due to a belief that the pay-per-view audience is bigger on weekend evenings, as opposed to weeknights.
This hasn’t set well with Brasnel.
“I don’t know where they got the idea to just switch it up like that, especially when they know I generally resist change, but I showed them. Now I just tape Summerslam on whatever Sunday it happens, wait until 8 PM the final Monday of the month, play the video, and *poof*, I’m back in 1993, the land of Super Nintendo and not having to shave my back.”
Brasnel admits he tried to watch the live version of the show one time, and that was 2001 when he was invited to a friend’s home for a viewing party.
“I admit, the prospect of the Invasion intrigued me, but I was still going to tape the event for the Monday home view anyway. I had intended to bash my head into the kitchen counter once I got home to try and forget that I’d watched it live. I made it through the first two matches when a horrid feeling began to manifest inside me. Suddenly, I yelled, “I’M UNCLEAN! I’M UNCLEAN!” and ran around the living room screaming in tongues about Pez Whatley and Bob Bradley until my friends held me down and performed a nacho cheese exorcism. I haven’t been asked back since. I think Tony still has my favorite inhaler.”
Brasnel carries on this tradition today, in spite of WWE not returning his calls, or responding to his letters requesting a move back to Mondays for Summerslam.
“I know they had Summerslam extra early this year just to make me have to miss three weeks worth of Raw in order to be able to finally see it. I get the subtle dig, way to go guys. Oh, and while we’re on the subject, do we really need fireworks at these events? I’m not tuning in for pleasant visuals here.”