Headlies: Entire ‘Battleground’ Card Replaced With A 3-Hour Triple H Promo

17 Submitted by on Sat, 05 October 2013, 09:00


Buffalo, NY – In a surprising turn of events, WWE has decided that every match on their upcoming ‘Battleground’ pay-per-view will be canceled and replaced by a three-hour long promo by WWE COO Triple H.

Triple H dropped the bombshell news during an otherwise mundane press conference promoting the event. “We looked at the card and some serious consideration, the WWE has decided to scrap the entire thing,” said Triple H. “Seriously, just listen to this lineup and see if you want to spend $50: Dolph Ziggler vs. Damien Sandow? Gross. AJ Lee vs. Brie Bella? Yuck. Curtis Axel vs. R-Truth for the Intercontinental Title? I had to ask three different people which one was the champion. With Hell In A Cell only a few weeks away, we might as well save the audience from boredom. It’s better that I take the reigns with my patented promo magic.”

“We need to give the people what they want and what they want is Triple H,” said Stephanie McMahon. “The people want long-form promos and speeches to really lay out all the complicated things going on with the WWE right now. Triple H is the man to do it. He’s won the WWE championship eight times, he’s won multiple Slammys, and he’s my little fuzzy wuzzy snuggle bear!”

When asked how he plans to fill three full hours just talking, Triple H said, “We’ve got this all planned out, just like Hogan-Warrior at Wrestlemania VI. We won’t be improvising like Hogan-Warrior at Halloween Havoc. Or Warrior-Frenchie Martin. Or Warrior-Me. I’ll start off working the crowd, telling them how it’s great to be in Buffalo. I hope I don’t laugh. Then I’ll explain about how Randy Orton is good for business and Daniel Bryan isn’t. Hopefully they’ll chant ‘Yes!’ and ‘No!’ to kill time. I’ll have to pace myself, so I’ll take plenty of rests and spit lots of water. Eventually, Stephanie will join me to give me a break and maybe get some tea and lozenges. The King of Kings can’t get a sore throat out there.”

While WWE doesn’t expect Battleground to do well, there are already plans to have Triple H give a 20 minute speech on RAW this Monday night.

“Gotta give the people what they want! Hunter by the barrel-full!” said a beaming Stephanie McMahon.

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
17 Responses to "Headlies: Entire ‘Battleground’ Card Replaced With A 3-Hour Triple H Promo"
  1. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Internet spoilers confirm the bulk of the promo will involve Triple H going “A-her, a-her, a-her, I-AM-THE-GAME, a-her, a-her, a-her, THAT-DAMN-GOOD!” before Nipple H comes to the ring and screeches into a microphone whilst JBL loses all credibility by saying how great the promo is and how the kids have found a new hero…

  2. John says:

    “And for all my fans on the Titan Tron it will keep showing my latest DVD. Plus I’ll be playing WWE ’13 and make Punk & Bryan job to me over and over again.”

  3. Raven7309 says:

    Given the current state of the WWE and its’ product, it’s scary to think that this isn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility.

  4. Adam Cota says:

    If Hunter’s gonna be up there for three hours with a microphone in his hand and a huge crowd doing promos, he might as well splice in some karaoke for shits and giggles…

  5. Alexandru says:

    Little fuzzy wuzzy snuggle bear LOL. I could totally see this happening as this paper-view (besides a pathetic card) is pretty pointless. Now If it was Sandow doing the three hour promo and Titus O’ Neil on commentary I could actually accept that.

  6. AdamX says:

    This is how every RAW from 2002-2005 pretty much opened.

  7. 2AndAHalfMeng says:

    You guys really know how to run a joke into the ground.

  8. Thomas Moffatt says:

    As a treat for those in attendance Triple H will have a dark match and it will be one for the ages as he finally has his long awaiting match will a broom handle which has been two years in the making – the decision has left a few bemused. Randy Orton in particular has incensed believing that it was all due to backstage politics as many were of the opinion that the broom handle had more charisma than him whilst Daniel Bryan’s long term mentor William Regal couldn’t understand with all the talent in NXT “why the bloody hell they were giving that opportunity to Bo Dallas???”…

  9. Walter Kovacs says:

    You guys were close … they did replace the main event with an hour long commercial for the 20 minute HHH promo to open Raw.

  10. Shawn Doc Girt says:

    perhaps this couldve been better than what happened at the ppv itself?

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