EDGE HAS “NO PLANS” TO RETIRE FROM ADULTERY
By Justin Henry
Bridgeport, CT – With accumulated spinal injuries as the main culprit, 37 year old Adam Copeland, best known as “The Rated-R Superstar” Edge, relinquished the World Heavyweight Championship and announced his retirement from professional wrestling on Monday night.
The nineteen year veteran cited fears of continued bumps and unsavory landings as putting him at further risk of paralysis, as well as lingering numbness in his arms due to a narrowing of the spinal column.
However, with his in-ring days behind him, there are other aspects of Edge’s life that he hopes to continue onward with.
Namely, the adultery.
“I’ve just been so damn focused on making the most of my in-ring time,” said a disconsolate Edge after Raw on Monday night. “I’ve been meaning to continue my lurid hobby for some time, but it’s just so hard to top the coup of stealing Amy (Lita) from Matt Hardy. Some may think that I’ve been thinking about how much I’m going to miss working between the ropes. Truthfully speaking, I’ve been thinking about sex. Visceral sex, you know? Not with Viscera, mind you, but with other guys’ wives. It’s something of a hobby of mine, but you’re well aware of this.”
Copeland cheated on then-wife Lisa in 2004-05 with former WWE diva Lita, which spawned a very public and very ugly feud with Lita’s then-boyfriend Matt Hardy.
“When you think about it, my career apex was playing “hide the salomi” with Lita, and watching all the fanboys and fangirls get upset. Secretly, I think Matt was delighted, because now he was known for something else other than wrestling in plus-sized pajama pants. So I’m looking to get back into the sport of pissing all over sacred vows. I’ve been seeing this lovely young woman for a few months, and I’m trying to accelerate toward marriage, just so we can get to phase two of this process.”
Copeland was asked if he was scouting any particular women for purposes of participating in this “sport”, as he refers to it.
“To be perfectly honest, I’ve had my eye on Melina for a while now. Apparently, she’ll sleep with anyone that can produce ID, fake or not. I think I heard that Rene Dupree had his way with her after he showed her his Sam’s Club membership card. Besides, after the way that John Morrison, or Jo-Moron, has stood up for her by denigrating Trish (Stratus), it would be hilarious to watch him whittle away just like Matt did. Do you know how many bags of pork rinds a guy with an eight-pack has to eat to equal Matt at his peak?”
There was a pause.
“Yeah, I asked Howard Finkel, WWE’s statistician. If Morrison doesn’t leave his computer for three weeks and tweets his rage and misery the entire time, about 425 bags should do the trick. Let’s see him hit Starship Pain with his stomach shifting like a speed bag!”
Edge also plans to unveil a new form of adultery, one inspired by his wrestling days.
“It’s called Money in the Wank. I run in after a couple has sex, throw a briefcase on the bed, beat the guy up, and then jump the bones of his woman. I’m going to wait for Matt to bring his girl home some night and try it on him, because he never locks the door to his trailer. Easy access!”
REMINDER: APRIL 18 IS KANE’S “FACE TURN/HEEL TURN” CALENDAR DARTS NIGHT
By Justin Henry
London, England – As WWE gears up for its forthcoming, annual spring tour of Europe, yet another spring tradition shall soon commence.
Every year, usually in April, WWE Superstar Kane is blind-folded, given three darts, and he throws them at a giant wall calendar, with the darts designated when he will make his next nonsensical heel/face turns.
These tri-annual occurrences have become a staple within WWE, and the locker room is already buzzing about this year’s festivities.
“Having seen my first game of “Big Dart Machine” in the spring of 2008, I can tell you that it’s more fun than it sounds,” said Cody Rhodes. “Usually, we all get liquored up so that the events become a total blur. Hours later, we usually ask (CM) Punk how it turned out.”
Legend has it that, even if all three darts land on the same calendar day, Kane must switch allegiances several times at the same taping.
“Yeah, it’s wild, and it’s also part of the reason I came back,” said Booker T. “We used to have so much fun, because he would sometimes hit May, and we’d be all “WOOOOOOAH!!!!! That’s gonna require some sick writin’ skills! Big man, you better get your mojo going and make sense of it! That’s how that May 19th voodoo (crap) was born, man. I think Rob (Van Dam) blazed a J and was like “dude, he should turn heel because of his crappy movie!” and then the writers, I kid you not, wrote down word for word what Rob was saying! They actually wrote it the way he smoked it! Then he said bring ECW back, make him champ, and he’d be so thrilled, he’d job to Big Show! Sucka’s a man of his word.”
Kane himself seems a little apprehensive about this year’s game, due to his “wrestler clock” ticking. “The Big Red Monster” turns 44 at the end of the month.
“I have my doubts that this year’s game will do more good than harm,” said the sixteen year WWE veteran. “So we’re thinking of spicing it up somehow, adding a degree of creativity. Something simple like switching to blue tights if the dart lands on two different Sundays. You know, make a game of it!”
Other superstars had their own variations on how to freshen up this bizarre sweepstakes.
“Oy think that Kenn shud go back to Arsic Yankem if te-oo derts land in de same munth,” said WWE United States Champion, Sheamus. “Ar really gart a kick oot of seein’ det guy werth eh powher drill!”
Upon learning of Sheamus’ comment, Vince McMahon relegated him to the pre-show of WrestleMania XXVII, and possibly XXVIII.
As for Kane, he remains cautiously optimistic about the future.
“Personally, I think it would be funny if I had my dart land on Hall of Fame day. I could induct Paul Bearer as a babyface, and then set him on fire moments later. I think that would be worth dropping $32 on the three disc DVD set of next’s WrestleMania, don’t you?”
TRIPLE H RETURNING NEW BLU-RAY PLAYER TO PAY FOR WRESTLEMANIA CHAIR SHOT FINE
By RD Reynolds
Stamford, Connecticut – To casual fans, one would think that Paul “Triple H” Levesque’s most painful memory of WrestleMania XVII would be his defeat at the hands of the Undertaker. Those close to “The Game”, however, know he lost more than just a match that night.
He lost his coveted new Blu-Ray player as well.
“You have no idea how long and hard I fought to get that thing,” Triple H told fellow customers at the customer service line at his local Best Buy. “Not only did I have to convince my wife that there was a huge difference between high and standard def, not only did I have to con her into believing that the discs weren’t that much more expensive, but I had to wait until we had extra ‘bonus’ money that wasn’t already budgeted for something else.”
The bonus money came in the form of the box office gross from the theatrical release of “The Chaperone” in which Levesque played the role of an ex-con turned bus driver. “That was just enough to cover not only the player, but also a copy of “Teen Wolf”. I didn’t want it; I really had my eyes on “300”, but I knew that Steph loved any movie with Michael J. Fox. So I got that along with the player, thinking it would be a good way to get her to “buy in” to the new format.”
Sadly, the player wasn’t to be in the Levesque household for long. During the WrestleMania encounter with Undertaker, a chair came into play, which is strictly forbidden under WWE policy. Following the match, both Undertaker and Triple H were fined an “undisclosed amount” for “the stunt of using a folded metal chair shot to the head.”
“They may not have disclosed the amount to the public,” moaned Triple H, “but let me tell you, it wasn’t cheap. When the notice of the fine arrived in the mail, Steph just shook her head and looked at me, saying, ‘There’s only one way we can cover this. The Blu-Ray player has got to go back.’ I was devastated.”
One trip to Best Buy later, all Hunter had was memories of what could have been..and an unwanted copy of “Teen Wolf” on Blu-Ray.
“Seriously, they wouldn’t refund my money because I had opened it. When they told me that, I asked if I could get store credit instead, and those bastards wouldn’t even do that. So now I’m stuck with a copy of some stupid movie I didn’t even want.”
Shaking his head, Levesque muttered, “I should have just taken Steph and the kids to Red Lobster instead. Damn it. Damn it all to hell!”