DOLPH ZIGGLER TO RELEASE EXERCISE VIDEO CONSISTING OF AWKWARDLY PAINFUL FALLS
By Justin Henry
Hollywood, FL – Hoping to become the next crossover star out of World Wrestling Entertainment, upstart Dolph Ziggler is in the process of marketing an exercise video to fans worldwide.
The 31-year-old breakout star is very excited about his new project, and hopes to reach a wide spectrum of people with his fitness expertise.
“It feels good to have the opportunity to help people in their quest to live healthier,” said Ziggler, via phone interview. “Anyone whose seen me on WWE programming knows that I have a rock solid body, and am prone to showcasing some nifty athletic moves, so hopefully that will be the big selling point of my first DVD.”
Ziggler was asked what would make his workout video different than other ones on store shelves, especially since fitness films are a surprisingly competitive market.
“Mine will be true to my in-ring performances. In part one of the DVD, you will learn how to jump three feet off the ground and land on the base of your spine. That may sound painful, but it looks VERY impressive, and you’ll feel good for having been able to execute it. The next step will be to jump into a wall or a support beam, getting the same three foot leap, and landing on your spine again. This whole process takes about ten minutes. It’s to teach you that you can still have strong, nimble legs, even if you can’t feel your back.”
When told that this video sounds barbaric, and leaves potential for a lawsuit, Ziggler scoffed.
“There’s already a disclaimer on-screen in each section, and it reads “ALWAYS LAND ON ELBOWS AND SOLES, OR YOU’LL BE CRIPPLED FAR SOONER THAN YOU SHOULD BE.” Also, it includes a cool-down section, which involves walking up to your boss and seeing if he noticed how hard you were working. If he says no, then you go back and fling yourself into hard objects some more. Eventually, he’ll notice your masochistic drive!”