DOCTOR THAT PERFORMED ROB CONWAY’S SEX CHANGE INTO EVE TORRES HONORED
By Justin Henry
Malmo, Sweden – Dr. Georg Krausingaard, a pioneer in the field of gender reassignment, was honored this week at a luncheon near the Faculty of Medicine.
Krausingaard, 77, has devoted his life to gender reassignment, known to the layman as “sex change operations”. Since the first noted case of reassignment ninety years ago, many advances have been made both scientifically, as well as in terms of societal acceptance.
Krausingaard has been at the forefront of the revolutionary practice since 1957.
“It has been a pleasure to provide an alternative life for those who live an alternative lifestyle,” said Krausingaard, through an interpreter. “For many years, the idea of living out one’s life in another shell, so to speak, was frowned upon. Thanks to the advances in modern medicine, as well as efforts to educate the public on the intricate workings of one’s sexual identity and its effect on the psyche, we have been able to institute positive change in this world of sexuality. For my part, I am proud to have been a working piece for such a big idea.”
Dr. Krausingaard has performed, in his words, “hundreds of procedures” to change the lives of a variety of people around the world, all of whom have flown in to Malmo for consultation, followed by surgery.
But it was one visit in June of 2007 that became Dr. Krausingaard’s most unlikely patient, who will be speaking at the luncheon.
Rob Conway, a former WWE World Tag Team Champion, found himself released by the wrestling giant one month earlier. Work was not easy to find, especially in terms of meeting Conway’s financial wants.
Conway had also been feeling the effects of painful wrestling matches, and his body was breaking down under the pressure of workouts and supplements.
“I thought to myself, “the Divas don’t take 1/10 of the punishment I do”,” recalled Rob Conway, in his current state. “Then I remembered that the WWE Diva Search was approaching, and that’s when I had an epiphany. I already had a nice pair of breasts, so I figured it wasn’t going to take much. And I’d been drinking heavily, so that may have been a factor.”
Conway flew to Malmo to consult Dr. Krausingaard on surgery. Within a week, Conway was living a new life as Eve Torres.
“All that spray-on bronzer was indelible, so Dr. Krausingaard convinced me that pretending to be Hispanic wasn’t the most far-fetched of ideas,” Torres explains. “The ass implants needed to be a Latin woman were disproportionate to my legs, so we decided I’d be a flat-ass. But the important thing is that Dr. Krausingaard gave me my dignity through…..okay, maybe not dignity, but I no longer have to worry about sitting on my nuts when I ride my bike.”
After winning the 2007 Diva Search, Torres tearfully called Dr. Krausingaard to thank him for his remarkable work.
“I immediately thought of two things when I heard Rob/Eve crying: I do magnificent work that betters our world, and goddamn, I forgot to give her my brother’s business card. He teaches you how to develop a personality.”
MAN HACKS KURT ANGLE’S TWITTER TO POST REASONABLE, PLEASANT MESSAGES
By Justin Henry
Pittsburgh, PA – Kurt Angle has requested police assistance in the matter of determining who hacked into his personal Twitter account and began posting reasonable, pleasant, and coherent messages.
The multi-time professional wrestling World Champion, as well as Olympic Gold Medalist in freestyle wrestling in 1996, has claimed his Twitter has been hacked on prior occasions, most notably during instances where he made veiled threats to former co-worker Randy Orton.
But this time, Angle’s even angrier than before.
“I work hard to post those tweets with a BROKEN FREAKIN’ NECK,” began a demon-eyed, barely-lucid Angle. “And I don’t need some dork with knowledge of computer hacking to try and make me look coherent and logical!”
The trouble began on Tuesday, when a tweet from logged from Angle’s account at 7:14 PM read, “Went a day without drinking. I’ve decided sobriety is the way to go.”
Later in the evening, in a message logged at 10:38 PM, the alleged cyber-punk tweeted, “Going to bed early. Resting is good, especially if I want to be healthy.”
Angle, by his admission, then tweeted at 11:55 PM after being made aware of the tweets, “THIS BULL-SH**! I’M DRUNK N AWAKE, AND I WILL FIND YU ASHOLE. ITS DAMN REAL!!”
“I wasn’t going to let some jerk sully my hard-earned reputation as an increasingly-erratic crackpot,” explained Angle.
Police are hesitant to intervene, believing that Angle should accept this type of circumstance, as it’s not exactly causing the damages he believes it to be doing.
“It seems to me that Mr. Angle is making something out of a whole lot of nothing,” said Detective Richard Bartony, of the Allegheny County Sheriff’s Office. “Based on our personal run-ins with Mr. Angle, we feel that this hacker is actually doing him a fair amount of damage control. But if Mr. Angle is insistent on continuing his reputation is a degenerating athlete losing his tenuous grip on the torn shreds of sanity, then he may wish to speak to someone else.”
Indeed, Angle is determined to stop this unwanted brigade of pleasantness and congeniality.
But the cryptically positive tweets continued.
Thursday morning, a barrage of a dozen tweets were visible on Angle’s Twitter feed, with messages such as “For once, I chose not to have wine for breakfast!”, “Flushed all my pills down the toilet!”, and “Going to call my shrink this afternoon, got a lot of anger to work out.”
But most infuriating to Angle was the tweet that read, “It’s all good, Randy, use my Olympic Slam. I could never hate you ♥ ♥ ♥”
Angle flipped his lid.
“NONE OF THAT IS TRUE! I HAD WINE FOR BREAKFAST, MY PILLS ARE RIGHT HERE, PSYCHIATRISTS ARE LIARS WHO WANT TO STEAL MY MAGIC BAG, AND I DON’T LOVE RANDY! AND IF HE’S READING THIS, I’M GONNA RIP HIS HEAD OFF, RIP THE HACKER’S HEAD OFF, BECAUSE THIS IS REAL! IT’S DAMN REAL!”
Angle then began frothing at the mouth, and then spent the next fifteen minutes angrily chasing squirrels around his yard.