Headlies: Curtis Axel and Ryback Repackaged As ‘The New American Males’

17 Submitted by on Fri, 10 January 2014, 08:00

americanmalesrybaxel

Philadelphia, PA – Prior to this week’s taping of Smackdown, Vince McMahon held a meeting with Curtis Axel and Ryback to discuss a repackaging of their characters. McMahon, flanked by Triple H called the floundering tag team into his office and laid out his idea.

“Curtis. Ryback. We all know that things aren’t really working out for both of you,” said McMahon. “Ryback, you were given multiple main events on Pay-Per-Views. Curtis, you were given a run with the Intercontinental title. Both of you had Paul Heyman to do all of your talking. To be honest, it was all a miserable failure.”

Axel shifted in his seat uncomfortably while Ryback ate an XXL Hungry Man Backyard Barbecue frozen dinner.

“Look, no one’s blaming you guys,” said Triple H. “Well, really, we’re all blaming you. But that’s okay, because we’re going to tweak your characters. Something that will really send the RybAxel team to the top of the tag team division.”

Axel breathed a sigh of relief while Ryback finished off a carton of Breyer’s Apple Cinnamon Crumble ice cream.

“We’re going to change the team of Ryback and Curtis Axel to, get this, ‘The New American Males,’” said a beaming McMahon. “We’re going to put you in suspenders and bow ties. You’re going to be two hot sex-objects. The women will want you and men will want to be you!”

Axel tried to fight back tears while Ryback drank 2 liters of Pepsi Blue.

“Of course, we’ll need to change your looks a little bit,” said Triple H. “You both need to get earrings, wear some shades, and smile more. Curtis, you need to cut your beard, and Ryback, you need to grow out your hair. In fact, we can just paste Curtis’s beard hair on to your head to save time. Let’s see some of your  sexy dance moves.”

Axel did a spastic version of The Monkey while Ryback robotically thrusted his pelvis.

“Pump harder!” barked McMahon. “Swivel those hips! You call that grinding? You both need to hit the gym. I want to see two human Adonises out there. For McMahon’s sake, Ryback, put down that block of Velveeta cheese! You have to go on a diet, pal!”

Enraged by suggestion of a diet, Ryback began to smash the furniture in McMahon’s office.

Trying to avoid a full-scale riot, Triple H said, “You can sing the theme song!”

Coming down from his sodium-infused rage, Ryback took a deep breath and belted out, “American! Males! American! Males! American! Males! American! Males! American! Males!”

“Perfect!” said McMahon and Triple H in unison while Axel clutched his legs and rocked back and forth in his chair.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown. If you like horror movies, check out www.365daysofhorrormovies.blogspot.com
17 Responses to "Headlies: Curtis Axel and Ryback Repackaged As ‘The New American Males’"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Oh, my. I think this idea is going to give me nightmares for some time to come…

  2. CBCB says:

    “Curtis, you need to cut your beard, and Ryback, you need to grow out your hair. In fact, we can just paste Curtis’s beard hair on to your head to save time.”

    I damn near choked on my coffee.

  3. Barronmore says:

    With that picture, i see them more as the new “vicious and delicious”. :)

  4. Raven7309 says:

    I realise that over the years, RD has stated more than once that Wrestlecrap isn’t the place to look for new angles and gimmicks, but just this once, couldn’t Jordan send this headlie off to Vinnie Mac and Trips? Pretty please??!!
    The only thing I would add is having “Das Wunderpunk”, (tm & copyright Bobby Heenan) come in and teach them his moves “and” be their manager.

  5. James says:

    Marcus Bagwell’s personality >>>>>>>>>> NO Personality

  6. Andy says:

    Not Tekno Team 3000? Seriously though, I’m still drying my laptop.

  7. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    Fantastic article! I needed the laughs I got from it. Thanks!

  8. John says:

    Watch as they feud with the new 4 Horsemen consisting of The Miz, Brodus Clay, El Torito & Paul Roma.

  9. James says:

    Amused the hell out of me and, strangely, felt topical to me as I have been watching old Nitros lately and the original American Males were the tag champs on the last episode I watched. Particularly amused at the idea of Ryback trying to pull off that gimmick!!

  10. Porter "Budsgrand" Sultzbaugh says:

    “We’re going to change the team of Ryback and Curtis Axel to, get this, ‘The New American Males,’” said a beaming McMahon. “We’re going to put you in suspenders and bow ties. ”

    I thought that was Steve Kerin and Stan Lane as The Fabulous Ones.

    • Jordan Mishkin says:

      American Males also wore suspenders (http://s1.dmcdn.net/0uOP.jpg) and Bagwell did wear a bow tie at one point. I had a feeling that line would make people think of the Fabulous Ones.

  11. Andre R. says:

    That pic just makes me LOL. That is all.

  12. Mr. Maddog says:

    I’m watching a Ryback/Axel match on Raw now and have the “American Males” song stuck in my head. Thanks Wrestlecrap…

  13. Brandon says:

    Were this meeting to actually have happened it would have had Michael Cole and JBL screaming “They’re twerking!” no fewer than 947 times.

  14. GG Duce says:

    Oh, for McMahon’s sake, somebody call their momma!

    “for McMahon’s sake” = lol

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