Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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WWE BUYS RIGHTS TO FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH FRANCHISE, BEGINS WORK ON ‘JASON VS. CENA’
By Justin Henry
Los Angeles, CA – WWE Films has announced Wednesday that New Line Cinema has agreed to sell the rights to the popular ‘Friday the 13th’ movie franchise to them for an undisclosed sum.
A press release issued by WWE Films stated, in part, “We are excited beyond words to have acquired the Friday the 13th movie franchise. We greatly look forward to continuing the three decades-plus legacy that Friday the 13th has been afforded, and we look to begin production promptly.”
An anonymous Hollywood insider has the inside scoop on the plot for WWE’s first offering in the franchise’s legacy, slated for a summer 2013 release.
“As of right now, two writers are putting together a draft that will incorporate recommendations from Vince McMahon and Kevin Dunn,” said the insider. “The main plot will focus on how eight friends will be routinely slaughtered one by one at Camp Crystal Lake, until John Cena, complete with colorful t-shirt, jorts, and trucker cap, shows up to dismantle Jason Voorhees in the end.”
The insider has also noted some difficulties with this draft, with McMahon and Dunn second guessing some of the plot work that they’re responsible for suggesting.
“One of the biggest issues was Cena’s airtime,” the insider added. “They figure for a 90 minute movie, he needs to be on screen for at least 82-83 minutes. But it wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense to have Cena be on screen for when Jason commits the killings. As of right now, it appears that, whenever Jason kills one of the peripheral characters, there will be a John Cena poster on the wall, or his theme song will play in the background somehow, etc. They’re even considering having Jason wear a Cena shirt for the duration of the movie. In any event, McMahon and Dunn both feel that any attempt to make Cena look secondary will result in their spontaneous combustion. They even wrote that down.”
As for the violence, WWE is trying to figure out how to present a child-friendly character in a movie with such a history of gore and dismemberment.
“They have two routes that they’re considering on the violence front,” the insider again added. “One is just have Jason kill the campers with non violent means, like shoving them down the steps, or giving them heart attacks by jumping out from being a couch and yelling “BOOO!” The other idea is to keep the violence in, but offset it with a strong message. For example, Jason may hack up a dumb teenager with a machete, but he’ll turn to the camera and grunt “BE A STAR” or “DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME” to ensure the youth of the world has an educational experience.”
The insider was also asked if Cena would demonstrate any hint of weakness in the movie.
“Are you kidding? They already wrote the ending. Attitude Adjustment, Jason taps to the STF, Cena stands tall, retains the WWE Title. They’re also considering buying Final Destination’s franchise so that Cena can defeat fate by submission. I’d LOVE to see how that gets written.”
COWBOY BOB ORTON RENEGES ON PRIOR REMARK TOWARD SON; NO LONGER REGRETS “NOT PULLING OUT”
By Justin Henry
Kansas City, MO – WWE Hall of Famer Cowboy Bob Orton was snide and underhanded a villain as he is brutally honest as a father.
The sixty year old father of reigning World Heavyweight Champion Randy Orton has publicly recanted a prior statement, made an estimated ‘several thousand times’ during his son’s thirty one years of existence.
“I would like to apologize for the many, many, many times in which I’ve told my son I regretted not pulling out during what was to have been his conception,” said the elder Orton, through a written statement that’s better read in his gravelly voice. “I realize now that stunting my son Randy’s emotions through harsh words, no matter what he may have done, would have only done more harm than good, and I’m sincerely grateful that he was able to succeed, in spite of my coarseness.”
Skeptics have noted that Cowboy’s statement comes on the heels of his son, in his seventh year as a main event talent for WWE, buying him a new house, a Mercedes Benz, and a brand new cowboy hat made entirely of diamonds.
Bob Orton, however, claims there is no correlation.
“I know what I said in that statement, and I realize that Randy’s bought me a lot of nice things, but the two are simply not related,” Orton said in a phone interview. “He’s still my son, and if he messes up somehow, he’s going to hear about it. But I will leave the obscenities and the “you’ll never amount to anything” remarks and the “I’ll bet Pat Patterson’s your real father” comments to myself. I’ll restate that I’m not swayed by the expensive gifts, nor the promise that Randy made me that he’d give me $250,000 a year for the rest of my life. I’ve just arbitrarily decided to be a better father is all.”
Orton’s brother Barry, who performed as a lower tier wrestler in WWE back in the 1980s as Barry O, has criticized his brother’s Jekyll and Hyde attitude toward his son.
“I know my brother better than anyone, and this is nothing new for him,” said Barry. “For years, he would tell Don Muraco that he was a worthless sack of nails with AIDS. I remember, he repeated that ad nauseum for at least two or three years. No provocation, he just liked saying it. Then one day, Muraco buys him a chili cheese dog. All of a sudden, Cowboy’s talking about how Muraco is the greatest person that ever lived. Bob’s weird like that; there’s no middle ground with him.”
Cowboy Bob Orton was then asked about his brother’s take on the situation, and his summary of Bob’s alleged loyalty-for-purchase.
“I have no idea where Barry gets this. I never liked him anyway. He’s a lying, traitorous little weasel that never learned to use the toilet until—wait, he’s taking me to see Kenny Rogers tonight, that’s right! Barry’s the best brother a man could ever have, I tell ya! I’m sure glad dad didn’t pull out when it came to him!”