Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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COMPLETELY CONFIDENT, SELF-ASSURED VINCE MCMAHON STIFLES TEARS OF ANGER UPON LEARNING THIS WEEK’S RAW RATING
By Justin Henry
Stamford, CT – The February 27, 2012 edition of Monday Night Raw scored a 3.1 Nielsen rating, considered to be far below the norm, with flagship pay-per-view WrestleMania just five weeks away, and has apparently hit the completely confident, self-assured Vince McMahon rather hard.
With news of the low rating reaching staffers at Titan Tower in Stamford, the rating was relayed to the carnivorously-cutthroat McMahon, who immediately began to tremble, albeit in a genetically-dominant, super-successful businessman fashion.
“Vince was shaking, and it was quite frightening,” said a page at Titan Tower, who asked not to be named. “He even dropped to a knee, and let out these heaving, heavy gasps. He broke his coffee mug between his brawny fingers and palm, and then he clenched his teeth. We all could only watch this unsettling occurrence take place, because we were frozen. Fortunately, Vince picked himself up and walked away, but it was quite a startling scene in that moment.”
McMahon, who is known for his bold and cavalier statements about World Wrestling Entertainment, its whirlwind of successes, and its ambitious plans to branch off and expand as a global entity, not to mention also known for his propensity for heralding WWE’s high social media status, and also for bragging openly and loudly about being the biggest creature in the wrestling game, having slain every conceivable competitor over the last thirty years, leaving them in ruins as if he were a conquering warrior with God-like powers, then went into his office and screamed angrily for ninety minutes.
“3.1 isn’t good, no-siree-bob,” added the anonymous page. “Just based on what Vince feeds into Michael Cole’s headset, and what we put into those “Did You Know?” bumpers, I thought we were doing great. Like, you know, 5.0 or 6.0 great. Maybe the Nielsen machine’s broken this week?”
Plans for the March 5 edition of Raw will reportedly include Vince McMahon showing off his manly prowess, and re-inflating his shattered virility, by revealing his new penile stud, which he will attach a chain to, and then drag a cinderblock around the ring with.