Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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CM PUNK TO LEAVE WWE, MAKE LIVING BUMMING MEALS FROM AWESTRUCK SMARKS
By Justin Henry
Chicago, IL – It would appear that CM Punk has made the decision to end his near five-year tenure with World Wrestling Entertainment.
The 32-year-old “straight edge” superstar has grown tired of living out of hotel rooms and airplanes, and is apparently considering scaling back life to a serious degree.
However, instead of plying his trade with a former employer that offers a less daunting travel schedule, such as Ring of Honor or Total Nonstop Action, Punk has chosen a different way to make a living.
And it’s almost sickening how it works.
“Punk’s been hanging out at my house for the last three days,” claims 24-year-old Adam McCalace, a local retail employee who still lives at home with his parents. “He just showed up in my driveway one day and I, being a big Punk fan, freaked out like crazy! I was stammering, and he said ‘Whattya got in yer fridge, queer?’ I was taken aback, but then I realized I’d be more than happy to cook for him, or let him have my Funyuns. Yeah, he calls me sexual slurs, and even tells me how useless I am, but still….it’s CM PUNK!”
Indeed, Punk is now drifting in and out of homes in which diehard wrestling fans reside, scoring free food and drink from nerds with no self-esteem whatsoever.
“It’s not as bad as it seems,” McCalace continues. “I mean, who am I to tell CM Punk, my God and yours, that I’m not getting him Wendy’s at 2:45 AM? I almost slipped and said ‘Get it yourself’, but then I caught my tongue. Besides, if CM Punk is halfway through my dad’s old stag films, I’m certainly not going to make him get up. Besides, even though Wendy’s is closed, it’s pretty easy to break into.”
Punk has, by his own word, repeated this exercise with at least twelve other sickly, socially-dearthed wrestling fans with no shot at love or respect. Take 21-year-old Vernon Kuhlner, a basement dweller who looks like a young Tim Kazurinsky.
“Not only is he making me cook all this food for him, which is fine, but he’s running up the OnDemand service as well,” said Kuhlner. “Now that we get porn, on my meager dollar, he takes delight in showing me all the different ways he could, uhh, service my mom and sister. Normally, I’d be repulsed, but the idea of having Punk as my dad AND my brother-in-law is amazing! I about emptied my inhaler when I processed that thought!”
Punk was asked if this is all true, and he responded “Yeah, the mom’s getting the wood. The daughter, I’ma have to check ID, but she seems likely. Just hope that Rick Moranis there with the CHIKARA shirt doesn’t ask for an autograph or something while I’m layin’ my Richard Dent into ‘mommy’.”
Punk admits that this practice of mooching off of awestruck wrestling fans is crude, but has no intention to stop.
“Way I look at it, these kids ain’t going to amount to much in life. So spending a couple hours in their presence is like Make-A-Wish work, you know? Besides, they LOVE when I threaten them. I’m like their Santa Claus! Throw a plate of half-eaten Totinos pizza rolls at them, and they LOVE to sell like they’re Jimmy Jacobs or something. Hit one with a warm Pepsi, and they THANK me! I mean, I’ve seen their “keyboard warrior” postings about me on message boards. If I didn’t know several disciplines of martial arts, there’d be restraining orders in place, believe me.”
Former WWE Intern Admits: “Those ‘Did You Knows’ Are Total BS”
By RD Reynolds and Justin Henry
Stamford, CT – Controversy has rocked the sports enterainment world as information has been leaked that WWE’s “Did You Know…?” factoids are in fact merely promotional tools filled with data ranging from “slightly misleading” to “the moon is made of cheese impossible”.
“There’s no two ways about it; they are total bullshit,” reports fromer WWE intern William Benson.
The 19-year old Benson would know; he’s the man who has been responsible for the creation of the “Did You Know…” bits that appear weekly on WWE’s Raw and Smackdown broadcast since their inception. Speaking to us on the condition of anonymity, Benson explained how the original concept was formed for the bits.
“Basically, Vince was walking around backstage one day, ranting and raving about how the media viewed him as nothing more than a lying, two-bit carnie. He was really upset so I said to him, ‘Why not give out facts to back up how popular the WWE really is?’ He loved the idea and told me I was in charge of it. I thought that was weird since I was just there to detail Alberto Del Rio’s car, but he’s the boss.”
Despite Benson’s lack of television production or statistical analysis, he went to work in an effort to please McMahon. “It started innocently enough; I did a Google search to look up Raw’s rating and see what it beat out that evening. So the first one I did was:
“Did You Know…Raw was the highest rated program on cable television last week?”
I mean, that’s pretty impressive, right?”
His boss thought so too, and asked him to continue the research. “He was beaming, but he said it needed to be more impressive than that. So I looked up what other shows had been on the air as long as Raw. So the next week I did:
“Did You Know…Raw has been on the air longer than South Park?”
That’s cool, I thought. And I really like that show, so I thought it would be really cool to name drop it on the air.”
McMahon, however, was livid. “He kept saying how Raw had been around longer than Gunsmoke. He just kept saying that to me over and over: ‘Gunsmoke! Gunsmoke! Gunsmoke!’ I’m pretty sure he didn’t even know what South Park is, and I have no idea what a Gunsmoke is either.”
Back to Google Benson went, and he discovered that Gunsmoke was a television show that was on the air for twenty years, far longer than Raw. “I figured, ok, this guy is crazy, so I just started making things up. I figured it didn’t matter if made sense or if it could possibly even be true, so the next week we had
“Did You Know…Stevie Wonder Recently Spent $4,000,000 on Revolutionary Surgery to Be Able to See, Just So He Can Watch WWE Programming?”
I knew when that one got through, I could pretty much just write whatever I wanted.”
And that’s exactly what Benson did. “I mean seriously…how on earth could “Did You Know..John Cena Has Enough Frequent Flyer Miles to Get Two Free Round Trip Tickets to Alderaan” ever make the air? How on earth would he get a flight to a Star Wars planet? Especially one that was blown up?”
Despite the constant praise from his superiors, Benson turned in his notice last week. “It was a moral thing; I just couldn’t keep this up. The more I lied, the more Vince loved it. I mean, “Did You Know…More People Watched Last Week’s Episode of NXT than the Superbowl, M*A*S*H* finale, and every World Series Game since 1983 Combined?”
What kind of person can even look themselves in the mirror after seeing that on national TV?”