Headlies: CM Punk Drops Surprise ‘Pipe Bomb’ During Money In The Bank

7 Submitted by on Fri, 11 July 2014, 08:00


Rosemont, IL – To the surprise of the wrestling world, CM Punk made an unexpected appearance two weeks ago, dropping a “pipe bomb” promo during the Money In The Bank pay-per-view special event.

Punk, who abruptly left the WWE in January, was greeted by deafening chants of “CM Punk” by the crowd as he sat and looked straight ahead. He soaked in the adoration of his hometown and took a deep breath before beginning.

Some of you may know me and someone you may be seeing me for the first time,” said Punk. “Just in case you’ve forgotten, I’m the guy who has the balls to say things that shouldn’t be said. I’m the one who speaks his mind. I’m the one who gives his heart every time I’m out here. I’m the one with the guts to say what needs to be said.”

Competing chants of “Yes!” “best in the world” and “ice cream bars” filled the room.

I’m here because I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I jumped through Vince McMahon’s brass rings and it go me nowhere, so I left. In my absence, nothing has changed. In fact, things have gotten worse. There used to be a time when people had a choice. People could choose what they wanted and you would listen. Hell, you did everything you could to ignore Daniel Bryan and these people forced your hand. Even a doofus like Triple H or an airhead like Stephanie could figure out what the people wanted.”

Punk’s words were greeted with loud applause and cheers.

He continued, “You know, I don’t have to be here. None of us have to be here. There are plenty of other places that we can go. Maybe I could go to PWG or NOAH. Maybe I could go to Beyond Wrestling or AAA. But rather than tucking tail and turning away, I’m here now to make a difference. I’m here to say that I shouldn’t have to settle. Day in and day out, I’ve proven that I’m the best in the world and I deserve the best. None of us should have to settle for the status quo. I’m asking, what are my options?! What are our options?!”

Well, Mr. Punk, you could get sweet potato fries, curly fries, or onion rings for just a dollar more,” said Jenny, Punk’s waitress for the evening

Oooh, sweet potato fries! Let’s get those!” squealed Colt Cabana.

Okay, get some sweet potato fries for my little sweet potato. Oh, and uh, whatever AJ wants,” said Punk.

Thunderous chants of “Sweet Potato Punk” rang throughout the Buffalo Wild Wings as Jenny went to get Punk’s order.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
7 Responses to "Headlies: CM Punk Drops Surprise ‘Pipe Bomb’ During Money In The Bank"
  1. Umm.... says:

    I still don’t believe at least some of what he said wasn’t scripted.
    And Punk seems very ungrateful given the height to which he rose and what he achieved, even in spite of how the WWE machine operates. I get being frustrated, but there are a lot of wrestlers who would bend over backwards (and maybe have) to get where he was.

  2. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    The AJ line cracked me up!

  3. RD Reynolds says:

    Ah, I remember meeting Kofi Kingston and Victoria at the local BWs. Good times!

  4. John C says:

    “I am the sauce to the sauceless.” Jar of Asian Zing Sauce to a plate of plain wings at the Tatanka Wild Wings.

    “BWW!!!! BWW!!!! BWW!!!!” The wings chanted in unison to their new leader.

  5. Vealchop says:

    How cool would it be if Punk and Colt played a Raven and Stevie gimmick?

  6. Porter "Budsgrand" Sultzbaugh says:

    Insert Ron Simmons’ “DAMN!” here….

    now I want some Buffalo Wild Wings.

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