HEADLIES: CM Punk Hoping to Fill The Rock’s Void by Coming Back as Overpaid Part-Timer

8 Submitted by on Wed, 29 January 2014, 04:19
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CLEVELAND – Former WWE Champion CM Punk has informed Vince McMahon on Monday that he was walking away from the company, and Punk has since been written out of all foreseeable events. It has been learned that Punk is looking to come back for a “Dwayne Johnson type of deal” that would preclude him from performing at live events, and getting paid unreal sums of cash to do so.

“After Batista won the Royal Rumble match for doing minimal work, Punk is hoping to take the same career path,” says one company insider. “Punk’s been exhausted from years of working night after night without the use of medication, so he figures that four or five matches a year going forward will improve his quality of life.”

As of Tuesday evening, Punk was said to be proving his worth toward such a contract. The 35-year-old has reportedly begun forgetting the names of any WWE performer that isn’t a full-time main eventer, referring to the others as “C-level stars” on his Twitter account.

“I texted him Monday evening to ask how he was holding up,” says WWE veteran Curt Hawkins. “He said he didn’t know who I was. At first I was mad, but now it makes sense. If he gets that contract, imagine how great it’d be for business. I bet we’d all benefit somehow, even if I can’t figure out a way.”

Some have noted that Punk hasn’t been in the WWE World Championship picture for nearly one year, an unheard-of time span for a performer that sells the amount of merchandise that he has. With Rock, and now Batista, setting a new precedent for reduced-schedule icons by getting title shots, perhaps Punk’s hoping to do the same.

“He’d also indicated he’d like to win the 2015 Royal Rumble from the #28 spot,” said the insider. “Let some other hard-working sap go 50 minutes from number one and be ignored most of the way.”

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Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
8 Responses to "HEADLIES: CM Punk Hoping to Fill The Rock’s Void by Coming Back as Overpaid Part-Timer"
  1. Peter Dawson says:

    Yeah, that’s about right. I mean I kind of got it with the Rock, but Batista, really? Batista vs Orton in 2014 for the freaking title at the biggest event of the year? Pff… Have Punk headline Jeff Jarrett’s new promotion. Come Punkamania 2018 he’ll be defending the Jeff Jarrett Memorial Heavyweight Title against Jason David Frank because the latter was on TV once and once said he wanted to fight Punk, plus Chris Brown would probably be murdered before the match so he’s out.

  2. carl zayas says:

    I really hope he carrys his fanbase with him, because if Punk leaves and no one follows him, the message will be lost. I was justbas disappointed about the Royal Rumble as everyone, but I’ve gotta admit, the backlash made me want to see how this will play out. The message is clear, Daniel Bryan and Punk don’t need the title to be over any more than Hogan or Cena, Batista does.

  3. John C says:

    Fakeapedia has announced Punk will begin work on the feature films Scorpion King 5: The Rise of King Tat as well as Fast & Furious 18: Mario Kart Mashup.

    • Peter Dawson says:

      I thought he was going to have a threesome with AJ and Ronda Rousey to make a litter of tiny, extremely tough egomaniacs.

  4. Thomas Moffatt says:

    I’m surprised no-one has asked Mason Ryan what it was like to win the Royal Rumble…

    • Peter Dawson says:

      I actually tweeted Mason Ryan about that, though I have no idea if it was the right twitter feed as he doesn’t have a confirmed one, if he has one at all.

  5. Gabe says:

    AJ Styles vs CM Punk in ROH, I’d drive up to MInnesota to see that for sure.

  6. Jeremy says:

    When reached for comment, Triple H said “I’d love for C.M. Punk to come back and get treated like a bigger deal than he ever has before, but whether you’re part-time or full-time, you’ve still gotta put me over.”

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